The worst part of moving on is realizing that you’ve been a jackass for way too long. I had been clinging in some odd way to my previous life. It was like I owed my previous life of co-dependence something. I don’t, and I won’t any longer.
Being vulnerable is a love-hate relationship with me. This blog is definitely a part of that journey. I express myself much better in writing than I do at any other form, so this blog is a major source of release and equal scariness. I can connect with people on a way I rarely feel comfortable doing. Real, vulnerable, scary, and it’s all me. When I am with people in public, even most of my friends, they rarely see any of the above. Unless my guard is down.
This entry is going to be a bunch of free-thought. If you don’t follow it, that’s okay. If you don’t like it, equally okay. I haven’t been writing as much, which is always a red-flag for me. We are all in a battle for dominance in our own heads. It is our will that determines whether the ego or our true self wins.
My life has been a series of transitions, as I think most people’s are. For me, I found myself in college. I didn’t have to be invisible anymore in college. I agree this is often a theme on my blog, but it’s an important one. I was actually for the first comfortable with myself and other people. High school were not the best years of my life, it was full of years of hiding and pretending I was okay. It was also were I had way better relationships with my teachers than with my peers.
Next transition was home from college. I was back to being self-conscious and apologizing all the time when I got my first “professional” job. There are many amazing things that came from that first job, but the best was being fired. It led to a series of things that brought me to my friend Jenny. Who introduced me to Arbonne, the best decision I have ever made in my entire life.
The transition into entrepreneur was much longer than I thought it should have been. The amazing thing about being in network marketing and entrepreneur enterprise in general is there is no time table. I have finally taking control of most of my life, and it’s the best thing I could have ever hoped it to be. There are more transitions to go, but this one was where I knew I could kick ass and change lives at the same time.
And yet, I still had not yet let go of my co-dependency. I still lived under a roof that was both freeing and oppressive. It was weird and it was not a home anymore. I finally broke that cord in August.
I didn’t realize I hadn’t moved on from that until this week. I have my apartment set up with the major things: bed, kitchen table, kitchen stuff, and internet. What I don’t have is a way to have people there. Which would make it permanent.
I don’t think I truly realized what I big step that was until a few days ago. This is truly my space. It is no one else’s. It is scary, amazing, and truly inspiring. I will be free from the co-dependency when I realize that I am doing this. That this space is mine. I created it, decorated it, and am living in it like an adult.
Moving on is painful and necessary. This is another step into a journey of greatness. As usual, my head gets in the way of my progress. It’s not even my head, it’s my ego playing to my insecurities. We are all in a battle in our own minds for dominance. It always depends who wins the war, not the battle. I will win this war at any cost. Because I deserve better and so does every one else in my life. It starts and ends with you.