Hiding, Settling, and Pushing

For the past year I have been hiding behind my circumstances of injury, PTSD, hurt, depression, and the worst one is self-deceit. I have always been quite open to criticism, so I could power forward and learn. The issue last year is all of my inner circle was going through heavy shit just like I was. They were not in a position to offer constructive criticism because they were trying to survive. Which was okay, I understood that we were all struggling in different, but very challenging obstacles. As my friend put it, we ALL went south for a period of time. I have written about hitting my wall here. Anytime I had hit a wall I went into survival mode, which meant I went into a ball. I was talking with a friend of mine about childhood bullying in general, and snowball fights came up. She said that she hated them. I said, I always thought they were fun. She retorted, “I was always the one being pelted and worried my glasses would break”. I said, “oh I just always went into a ball.” She said, “I just stood there”. I had an epiphany that day about my reaction to internal struggle, and about how when things really get tough I would go into a ball. She said, “it’s time to unfurl. And I’ve been watching you slowly unfurl for 6 years now. It’s time to unfurl and become fully you”.

believeinyourself

From that moment on, I have been steadily and more consciously unfurling myself from the past year of pain, heartache, and being utterly lost. Being lost sucks. Either metaphorically or physically. My life that I had taken so much effort and time to create was slowly being dismantled. The worst part is I was the one who was unconsciously administrating the dismantling. The biggest bitch of it was, I truly didn’t realize how bad it was. Or how much I had internalized my pain that was externalized into confusion. All of these realizations have come about today, and things are starting to click.

For my social marketing business, we are doing a 90 day bootcamp with a training call every Sunday with some of the top leaders in the company. The trainer on the call on Sunday asked, what do you fear the most? I instantly wrote disappointment. And then wrote in big letters FUCK under it. My instant  reaction and consistent fear is not being disappointed, but in disappointing others. It is then when the epiphanies started infiltrating my brain.  Disclaimer:  if you cursing bothers you, I would suggest skipping this entry entirely.

The internal dialogue went something like this:

Me: I thought I conquered that
Inner me (referenced as the niggle from now on): apparently not
Me: Well frak. What am I supposed to do about that?! There’s no book for that. Because I have tackled a lot of things, and I bet that is the underlying cause of a lot of it.
This was later exposed as doubt in therapy, it’s been a heavy week.

When I encounter a problem I can’t solve, I text my coach to ask for guidance. I said something like, “I have an answer to the trainers question and it’s fraking disappointment. I am not sure what to do about it.”

catepillar

My coach says, “It’s a legit fear, and to lean into it and do it.”

I was confused by this and responded, “lean into disappointment?”

My infinitely patient coach says, “no. Lean into the FEAR of disappointment and do it anyway.” After that I got it, and have proceeded to not only kick ass but KILL the niggle. My therapist was resistant to the word kill (she wanted it to have a permanent vacation). I know how insidious that little bastard is, and it needs to die before it infects another human being with its nonsense.

I hit what I call the frak it button, but only part way.  Like a safety on a gun. To clarify, my version of the frak it button is I don’t care WTF people think of me. I do it anyway. This is how I went to the second level of leadership the first time with my social marketing business, and am doing it again now. And it feels SO GOOD to be me again. But that’s a different entry all together.  I am ready to pull the trigger on the frak it button.  Be all in.

After today, I went through something called EFT (look it up of you’re curious) or otherwise called tapping. I went FAR back to where the niggling (saboteur) came from. The emotional imprint originated from an incident so long ago. Except after processing the memory, I discovered that it morphed into disappointment others not so much myself.

THIS is when the epiphany occurred. If you believe that you have disappointed others, especially if you are viewing it from a leadership role, GIVE IT UP. Two reasons, 1) you haven’t and your life’s purpose is bigger than you; 2) any mentor or coach who feels that way isn’t worth your time. Because if your mentors/coaches feel that way, they are making it about them. My experience is that people eventually make themselves known. Carletta Nelson says, “time either exposes you or establishes you.” Which is dead true. I have spent the past year or more trying to figure out my place in this world.   I do apologize for all clichés in this articles, but sometimes there is no other better substitute. They are clichés for a reason.

self-love train

It has been awhile, which is a huge red flag for me, where the lesson caused me utter terror. Because it means I am ready to be the leader so many others leaders believe I am, but more importantly I Believe that to be true.

This entry has been a long time coming. I went into a ball to protect myself last spring (literally and figuratively), hit an emotion wall in September, and have been slowly unfurling myself ever since.

It is about trying to have the courage to fulfill my greater purpose. I always knew I would have courage to fill it. I was unsure of the timeframe. I ready to embrace the reality and responsibility of being the leader of this company now.

My greater and life purpose is to teach other people how to build a better life of their own through empowerment, as well as expressing my love of arts while being able to make a bitchin’ income at the same time. My greater purpose is about fulfilling lives, and I am READY to fill that purpose. Bring it on life. I am ready.

Advertisements

Freedom

The word freedom is a rather loaded word. It means something different to everyone. My freedom is paddling whenever I want, being able to give whatever I want without it destroying my bank account, and being present when one of my family and friends wants me to be there no matter what.   And travel. There will be lots of travel. To me, you can’t put a price on any of those items.

This is a pic of my crazy cousins, and their significant others, kids, etc at my cousin's wedding. I am so lucky to have them.

This is a pic of my crazy cousins, and their significant others, kids, etc at my cousin’s wedding. I am so lucky to have them.

Your freedom may be different. The key is to be able to actually EXECUTE that freedom.

There is also the third reality. The burnt out and/or overworked mentality. This is by the far the saddest, and in my opinion the hardest to get out. This is where you either work a bazillion hours and get a really great paycheck. Or you are working a bazillion hours just to make ends meet. I have been in the latter of those two. Many of you know this, but for those that don’t, I used to work two different jobs about 60-70 hours a week. In those years I made under $30,000 for BOTH. I got my W-2’s back and said, “Really? That’s it. There’s got to be another way.” It feels like there isn’t though. You become disheartened, depressed, and just resigned to the fact that this is all your life is going to be. You are really just surviving another day, week until the next paycheck. When you breathe a sigh of relief, and said thank the universe it’s payday. You lose your drive, dream, and eventually the ability to hope for something better. You believe that this is how it is going to be from now on. You become resigned to mediocrity.

Except it doesn’t have to be this way.

If you are in this particular mindset, there is a way to find your freedom. My way might be different from your way; however, I can say with conviction as long as you work your lever to freedom, you will get there. The last three years I have had a lot of absolutely amazing things happen, but I have also had some of the worst possibly scenarios come into my life during that time. Here’s the difference between now and seven years ago. I have a choice.   I got the opportunity to spend time with my elderly Nana and go to the hospital for both my Dad and my Uncle when it was necessary. I literally would walk out of my job saying I have to take care of my family now. I am very grateful and very blessed that my “regular” job I get to do that. Family always comes first.

The nicer part was because of my network marketing health and wellness business, my paycheck didn’t suffer to the point where I couldn’t pay my bills. I earned that time. I earned that freedom. It is like anything else, it takes work and sacrifice.

My question is what is your freedom worth?  Think about it.  This is not a hypothetical question.  Take some time and develop it.

Heroes and Pedestals

I wrote this friends of mine, and it was asked that I share it.  I agree I haven’t written here consistently lately, and thank you to all of my followers both new and old for sticking with me.   I’M BACK.

Heroes
are
Iconic.

Above
Everyone,
above
Reproach.

Maybe that’s
why I
Never
had
One.

there Are
People
I
Aspire
to be
Like

except

They have
Always
been
People.

Real.

Heroes

are just
like
Us.

They still

Feel

Hurt

Grieve.

they

Often
do
it

Alone.

Self-
imposed

isolation.

for
Us.

and

some of
Us

see
Heroes
as
Us.

We
Love them
and
their
“flawed”
selves
as
They
Are.

People.

because
They
are
Us

in a
Different
period of
Time.