Change and Fear

Change

It is

Painful

Difficult

impossibly
Uncomfortable.

Our subconscious

Pushes

against

Change

with a
Fervor

as if

Molting into
a

Better you
is

Life
Threatening.

because

It
Is.

Not
of your

Body.

of

your

Mindset of Belief.

This is
the

Holy shit

Pit of your
Stomach

Terrifying

Penetrating

type of

Fear.

that comes
with

Visceral

Change.

When you are

Ready to

Molt
Your

Suffering

Skin of

Self-doubt

and

Worthiness.

You must
Grab onto it

before Doubt
sets in

to Become
the

Grit

necessary

to Face
the

Demons

Fears

Judgment

and finally

PAIN

that have

Pinned

you like an

Anchor

to
the
floor.

of

Guilt

Judgment

Shame

for
your

Entire

Life.

It is

Time
to

Win the

War

of a thousand

Battles

once and

for

All.

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Mentors, Belief, and Reflection

Mentorship

I have been fortunate enough to have many mentors throughout my life. The first one I ever had was Carter Blankenship, and he taught me most of what I know about shoes and a little about workwear. He passed away two weeks ago. He was one of the first people to ever believe in me, and he called me his protégé. He looked out for me, taught me certain tricks of the trade with people, and he was proud of me. Always.

word cloud - mentorship

I have been thinking about him periodically in the past few months, and how much I wanted to get in contact with him. I just didn’t know how. When I find out he passed away, it hit me like a two-foot wave in the ocean. I felt a sense of loss and shock that I hadn’t felt since my Nana passed away. I am not comparing the two; please do not misunderstand me.

Belief

His family had a celebration of life ceremony today that I went to. Truth be told, I really didn’t want to go. I knew I needed to go, I owed him that much. I didn’t really know how much the man had meant to me until today when I was headed there. The emotions were like the waves during an outgoing storm at the ocean. Violent, but subdued. Periodic but all-consuming. It was a tough ending to a tough week.

Ocean Fury taken in October 2015 by Alexis Krukovsky. (c)

I hadn’t met his family, except once in passing years ago, but he talked about them consistently. He was always proud of them, as well.   I looked for people who may be able to help direct me to the family members to introduce myself. The first person I met was Bridget, and is an old family friend. A very lovely, no-nonsense woman who was helping to clean up, and she introduced me to Melissa (his daughter) and later Adrienne his wife. Adrienne knew exactly who I was as soon as I said my name. I was slightly taken aback by this because I hadn’t seen Carter in at least seven years, and probably closer to ten. He talked about me to his family, which he didn’t do often apparently.  He also called me his protégé to his family.  It was one of several moments of gratitude and humbled pride.  I spent several years getting to work with and learn from him, but still.

 Reflection

Some of us went back to the house to help bring in everything, and to relax. There were stories upon stories, laughter, and bonding. From what I knew about Carter, it was exactly what he would have wanted. Laid-back, relaxed, and people having a good time while remembering the man we all loved. He was always a bit of a trickster, and helping to carry everything back to the house was his way of getting me there.

I went not knowing what to expect, and left with a lighter sense of spirit. I also left with new friends, and a deep down belief that he was proud of me. Even still after all these years. I am not sure what the point of this entry was other than a sense of gratitude of the people I have and have had in my life.

New Reality

This poem reflects about my current evolution of moving into my own place for the first time.  Enjoy 🙂

 

New Reality

sometimes
Revisiting
your

Previous
life

Causes

Reflection
Emotion
Pain

like tonight.

I came
back for
an evening.

the
Range
of

Emotions
are

Staggering
and

Perplexing.

It
feels

Foreign.

it’s now
Just a

place.

not a

home.

but
familiar.

What I
think it
may be
like for
amnesia
Victims.

Lost,
Open,
Vulnerable,
Afraid

also

Free.

I am no
longer

Shackled

by
my
Surroundings

I
Embrace

Love

Immerse

myself in
Them.

Blank

Slate
has a

completely
Different

Meaning
to me.

Another
Life,

Chapter,

Being,

Self.

 

Persona, Myself, and Reality

I have developed this persona of sports chick meets business casual.  And that’s what it is, a persona.  It has been hard edged and intimidating, which is really not what I had intended.  It was a barrier in a sense for people not to get too close.  The weirdest part?  I didn’t even know I was doing it.  All I need to fulfill that is persona is some straight up killer heels, super spiffy clothes, and then boom.  Intimidation persona complete.

persona4b

The reality is I am a down-to-earth, relatively easy going person who is easy to talk to.  Now, it would be MUCH easier to get the aforementioned clothes than change my style and approach to people.  However, I am not the type of person to take the easy way out.  I am nothing if not true to myself.  It will suck some of the time, and take more personal growth that will most likely be painful.  But I will do it, because that is my truth and my destiny to be that kind of leader in Arbonne.

Becoming Yourself

This year possibly more than any other year has been a year of change, epiphanies, and becoming the person I am truly meant to be.  If there was one thing I thought about myself my entire adult life was that I was always me.  I didn’t put on airs with people.  The odd thing is as you grow into adulthood is sometimes who you are smacks you right in the face.  Like BOOYAH, the past 34 years I was just kidding, this is who you truly are.  And it’s scary.  Despite Facebook and this blog, I really don’t like people knowing the real me.  In the past that has just led to heartbreak and misery.  The keywords in that sentence are the past.  I am sure I will have heartbreak again, but at least this time it’ll be in my truth.

Reality

What is scarier to you:  becoming the person you were meant to be and letting people see you or staying stymied in your old self?  For most of my life the former was infinitely scarier than the latter.  Some people do not want to see the truth, and would rather keep you down than see you blossom into the person you were meant to be.  The people that really love you will accept it right away, and sometimes the people who have known you the longest may take some time to see it or they may not see it at all.

The year of change and epiphanies just keeps getting better, and I am evolving into the person I am meant to be.

Heroes and Pedestals

I wrote this friends of mine, and it was asked that I share it.  I agree I haven’t written here consistently lately, and thank you to all of my followers both new and old for sticking with me.   I’M BACK.

Heroes
are
Iconic.

Above
Everyone,
above
Reproach.

Maybe that’s
why I
Never
had
One.

there Are
People
I
Aspire
to be
Like

except

They have
Always
been
People.

Real.

Heroes

are just
like
Us.

They still

Feel

Hurt

Grieve.

they

Often
do
it

Alone.

Self-
imposed

isolation.

for
Us.

and

some of
Us

see
Heroes
as
Us.

We
Love them
and
their
“flawed”
selves
as
They
Are.

People.

because
They
are
Us

in a
Different
period of
Time.

Full Moon and Refocus

Since the Arbonne area retreat in Albany I had been doing inspired action to achieve my goal, which is a big goal. However, I knew something was missing. I just couldn’t figure out what it was. I was so focused on what I needed to do to achieve the goal that at some point in the last few days I lost the reason behind the goal.

It's a bracelet given to me by Debbie Carroll Neal.

Tonight is the Capricorn full moon, which is apparently very powerful. I am looking at it, and connecting with it. I am focusing on the power of the moon, and seeing what needs to change in my life. And not just in Arbonne, but in all aspects of my life. Most importantly, I deserve to let go of the outcome. Once I let go of the outcome, the pressure was off my psyche. There is a weight off my mind tonight. I am making a mental list of things that deserve-not need- to be changed in order for my life, my destiny, and my goals to be fulfilled.  Verbiage is another one. The word Need is one of the lowest forms of expression, and carries with it a low vibration. I am switching it to Deserve.

I feel grounded again, but inspired to touch as many lives as possible. The focus and intention has returned instead of the activity being similar to unorganized chaos. Activity without intention is like paddling with half a paddle. You may get where you are going, but it’s going to take a long time. Intention is key to obtaining any goal.

Sometimes we are so focused on the goal, we lose sight of the WHY behind the Goal. In the process, I lost the inspired action, and couldn’t figure out the disconnect between the action and the goal. It became slightly overwhelming, and without me realizing it.

I have unknowingly repeated this behavior for some time now, and never made the connection of why. Everyone has the habit of getting in their own way, and I’ve gotten really good at recognizing the signs of when I am doing that. The devil however is very adaptive, and when those old ways of hindering you stop working, it gets creative.

Chasing a dream is exhausting, which is what I have been doing for months now. However, reliving, immersing yourself in it, and envisioning your dream life on a daily basis are not only necessary to achieving the dream, but it’s reinvigorating.  I am enrolling not just active affirmations, but active, present vision into my daily life. BOOM.

Limits, Goals, and Expectations

There are a few things in life that can be as crushing as expectations, either by yourself or others (big or small).  There is an immense fear of failure in this country, and probably throughout the world.  This point of view is an immense scarcity in perspective.  I have learned far more from my failures than my successes.  Is it easy to acknowledge failure?  No.  However, there is not much accomplished when you pretend it didn’t happen, or worse, fail to take responsibility for the reason.  In my opinion, it’s only a failure if you didn’t learn from it.  Those eye-rolling, I used to be you.

I made a personal vow to myself in my business that regardless of if I was close to, achieved, or if I  wasn’t even close, I would go for it with everything I had.  I have had experience with doing the opposite because I thought not even trying to achieve it was better than failing miserably.  You know what the result of that little experiment is?  It makes you feel kind of shitty about yourself.  Because there’s doubt on top of doubt.  There’s doubt about your goal/ability to begin with, and then there’s doubt because you may have been able to accomplished the impossible if you gave it your best, die-trying effort.  And sometimes trying hurts, and sometimes it hurts a lot.  Failing hurts, too.

decisions regret

Regret also hurts and lasts far longer than any failure you have.  I have had many experiences in both.  Regret lingers because it haunts your subconscious.  There are a  couple of things crippling about regret.  The unknown of doubt, positive or negative, is a plague on many souls.  What ifs, because what if it worked?  How would my life be different?  The scale doesn’t really matter, either.  Been there, done that.  Big or small, lifetime or daily, the same thinking applies.  However, dwelling on the past and beating yourself up about it does not serve anyone.  Move on and learn how to do it better.

It’s Time

There’s a moment in time when you come to realize that you are over all your bullshit, and you get over yourself.  Everyone has been where you’ve been, they’ve dealt with the same shit or worse, and some have triumphed to greatness.  Up until this point, I have used exterior circumstances, family stuff, and a series of piled up bullshit to fuel me.

I have come to the realization that it is not enough.  I am fueled, I am driven to change by outside circumstances, which works to a point.  Eventually, the circumstances, the situation resolves, or you just deal with the mess that is being left.  The adrenaline goes away, and you are left with you.  Your desire, your need, your why, and your passion.

This is the point where I am at right now.  I rode the wave of shock, grief, expectation, more shock, and now I’m figuring out where to go from here.

It all goes back to being worth it, and believing it.  The past couple of months have been life changing for so many different reasons, and it was fuel to my passion, desire, and stubborn pursuit of excellence.  Now I need something more.  And once again it is me.

IT IS TIME.  The world deserves to know what I am capable of because I will change thousands of lives in a multiple of different avenues.  It’s go time.

Year in Review

This year has been a roller coaster ride of loss, painful personal growth, healthier lifestyle, recognition, pinnacle achievements in two different passions, many personal revelations, family stuff, and an outstanding blow up in my business.

 

Resolve face

The look of determination

The personal revelations have come from the gauntlet of family events and personal events in my life the past couple of months that have set my soul on fire with focus.  I had written about it before, and the impact on my state of mind and sense of purpose.  The past month I reached the achievement of going into Area Manager in Qualification in my Arbonne business.  I won’t go into what that means here, just know that it’s really important and it means I can build a financial legacy for my family very soon.

A few things happened when this achievement was posted on the ubiquitous Facebook.  My Facebook exploded with people from all over congratulating me; I had people reach out to me privately to congratulate and to tell me how inspired they were, and I was a very humbled, proud person.

This kind of appreciation, love, recognition, and acceptance is not necessarily new for me to receive, especially this past year.  What is new to me is the level of appreciation, gratitude, and just overall sense of happiness and amazement I feel within myself to be receiving all of those things.

This year has been primarily about growing through some very painful (not physical, fortunately) limitations in my life.  Lately, I have realized my self-worth; what an inspiration I am to others, an overall sense of self and what I can give to this world.

It’s an incredibly amazing, gratifying experience to be able to inspire (their words) people I haven’t met yet.  I understand where I am going, I understand what I have to offer, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to get .  Perhaps more importantly, I am not going withhold the belief and gift of inspiration in myself.

Revelations

I have had a number of revelations in the past couple of months.  Some very significant, some small, but all meaningful.

Tonight was a big one.  We were talking about goals, and where we see ourselves in our the future.  I said, “I never really thought it was about me.  But now I get it kind of needs to be about me.”  Zac, “well, that was pretty transparent [about the not caring about myself in this business].”

What it feels like to be out of your comfort zone. Stolen from the interwebs.

I have gotten to the point where I believe it is okay to want something amazing for myself.  I have always thought that was okay for other people.

You know what though?  I can move hills by helping other people achieve success and just overall helping.  I can move MOUNTAINS by helping and believing that by helping others achieve, I also achieve the success I deserve.

This is free thought, and may be not sensical.  I have always helped others, it’s just my way.  Now though, I realize the BIG FREAKING PICTURE.  By helping myself achieve self-worth, belief, and success, and believe that I deserve all those things; I CAN HELP OTHERS do so.

My mind is blown right now.  Help myself believe in greatness in myself, WHILE helping and empowering others do so.  That sounds like a win-win in my book.

Buckle up guys.  This party is just getting started.