Fear of Success and Codependence

 Codependence

I have steadily been moving towards independence, and took a big step towards it by finally moving into my own place. It is exhilarating, scary, and necessary. My whole life I have been enabled and codependent, mostly without me knowing it.   This has lead to some unhealthy and self-destructive habits that I have been slowly working my through to be the best version of myself. I have written about the personal growth aspect of the journey repeatedly.

The Battle

I have never shied away from it. The necessary pain of personal growth until recently. I didn’t know why until yesterday. The last vestiges of codependence are attempting to adhere a strangle hold on my road to greatness, and they are powerful, deeply entrenched, and are not going away without a fight. It is possibly my hardest personal growth battle to date. My will, grit, and determination are even greater.

decisions regret

I don’t think I have ever been more scared to continue on my path to greatness, to success. I will beat this. I will conquer the doubt, frustration, and little nagging voice that says “no you can’t”. I have to. It is past that, I deserve to.

It is bigger than me. It always has been. It is just more real now that it ever has been. The fear of success, and the lingering doubt has been crippling as of late. What if I am not good enough, what if I am not the leader everyone expects me to be, what if blah blah.

Belief

It’s all bullshit, of course. Some of the biggest leaders in Arbonne believe in me, and it’s been a long time since I have felt this uncertain about myself. This is how I know I am close to a breakthrough. The closer one gets to the breakthrough, the more the universe challenges you to see how much you want it. I deserve to get out of my own head not for the last time, but certainly one of the most important to date. I am at the critical junction where my fear of being noticed and success have come to a head. This is my pinnacle moment where I can aspire and reach greatness, or I can shirk into the background. The latter is not really an option. It would be so much easier, but I am never one to take the easy way out. Bring on the pain, I’ve got this. Finally. Yes, I realize I have said this numerous times. And every time it has been true in different aspects of my life’s journey.

Clarity

Living without
seeing
is
Punctuated

Often
by
a
Painful,
Life
Changing
moment.

A
Breaking
Point
in
our
Reality,

In
Ourselves.

Only
then
do
we

Get
It.

We
become
Ferociously
focused

Develop
a
Case
of
the
Fuck
Its.

It’s
a
Pinnacle
moment
of

Clarity.

Use
it.

Get
Clear

Get
Visceral

I’m
Getting

This

Done.

Home

I
thought
I knew
what
Home
was.

I
didn’t.

Home
is the
Place
you
can be
You.

Without
judgement,
dismissal,
pettiness

of their
hope
lost.

the
Pedestal
has
been
Demolished
with the
Realization
of this
Heartbreak.

I am
Better
than
that.

I have
Found
my
Home.

In the
most
Unexpected
Place.

It’s
Time
to
break
the
habit,
the
twisted
seal of
Approval

always
Just
out of
Reach.

It’s time
to
come
Home.

Self-Esteem and Hope

I have struggled with self-esteem for most of my life, and didn’t really realize it was an issue until about three years ago.  There are people in your life that will make you feel small.  It is often a reflection of themselves, and it has very little to do with you. They can be relentless with it at times, and hopefully, they don’t realize the damage they are doing throughout the years. The damage is there regardless of the intent, but you have to let go of it and realize they were doing the best they could with what they had.  The remedy?  Surround yourself with positive, like-minded, people who repel negativity and bring out the best in you.  Surround yourself with success.  You are the sum total of the five people you spend the most time with, and that is a fact.

Part of my paddling family down taken in the New Jersey Pine Barrens.

Part of my paddling family down taken in the New Jersey Pine Barrens.

Their struggle will become your struggle, if you let it.  Their need to make you feel less will resurface at times of struggle, stress, and/ or bad mood. When that happens, it is important to separate yourself from the situation, preferably physically, but if not at least mentally.  It is best to keep their energy separate from theirs, and don’t let them “infect” you with their negativity.  I ask the universe to separate my energy from theirs, and wish them the best, but their energy can no longer harm me.  I know how this reads, but it works. I’ve done it, at first skeptically, and then with conviction. This is where the science portion is revealed because when you actually feel their energy leaving your body and your soul, you will literally feel lighter and your mood will improve.

Surprisingly often, the culprit to make yourself feel small is YOU.  This is especially true if you’ve dealt with self-esteem and confidence issues for a long period of time.  This is where my friend says, “the devil is trying to keep you small.”  Don’t Let that Happen.  You deserve better than to be small.  Everyone in this world was born to achieve greatness, and often times that greatness gets beaten down to the size of a fingernail by the time we reach 18.  It’s just the way human beings seem to roll.  We get told enough times that we can’t do something, or it’s unrealistic, and we start to believe it.

anything you want copy 2

It’s a mindset, a belief, and a way of life to believe in yourself.  It takes practice and discipline to keep those demons banished.  If the devil wins, which may happen on occasion, PROVE IT WRONG.  Get your ass up, do what you intended to do, and don’t let yourself stay small again.  Pardon the cliché, it may have won the battle, but make sure you Win the war.  The war is on your own mind, and on the relationships around you that are toxic.  Be bigger than the devil, be bigger than your demons, and be the evidence for yourself. Once you believe that you CAN be all those things you thought you couldn’t be or do, magic starts to happen in every aspect of your life.

Once you realize you deserve greatness, to be your own person, to be happy, and to succeed in life, you will have beaten the devil.  It may come knocking, but once equipped, your job is to beat its ass down and say, “sorry, you have been evicted.”

Amazingly Inspired

I have a friend who at a young age has gone through two bouts of cancer, and some other very personal life changes that should not happen to a person so young.  A lot of people would bow down to that, and have a pity party for themselves.

Instead she started her own personal movement to inspire people to start and end happy.  She made a video that via index cards told her story, and at times tragic story.  She is one of the strongest people I know.  You can google it if you would like, you’ll see her video come up.

Full disclosure, I do not know her very well; I would like to point that out.  However, there are lots of things that inspire me in writing, and watching this woman’s reaction to her life, and the events in her life before and after tragedy is miraculous, awesome sauce.  It is a display of nothing short of pure will, courage, and blind, stupid stubborn (meant in the best possible way).  I do not think she knows how many people she will inspire.  I honestly think her story, her courage, her fortitude will  teach thousands, if not millions of people, to take on their challenges in their own way.  I am not a bullshitter, it’s not in my nature.  I say what I mean, and I do what I say.