There have been in the past very few times where I feel completely relaxed. It is generally been paddling, in the outdoors, or when I’ve been slightly buzzed. I emphasize slightly because I did not drink to get drunk…think what you will about this. I drank to get comfortable in social situations, this was especially true when I was with people I didn’t know very well. Yes, I am pretty much putting it all out there for the general public. I think it will help people, and yes, I am really uncomfortable with it. Also not sure if I should do it. That is always a good sign.
There are times where we do things that we don’t really consider because they make us feel better. There are always things that make us act in certain ways and do things that aren’t necessarily in our character because we are trying to compensate for something in our lives that is lacking. It was subconscious for me. I did it to hide myself from others. Something I have been trying very hard to break myself from. The deceit (mostly of myself), the hiding, and the shame that I felt for myself. I didn’t want others to see ANY part of that vulnerability. It’s about letting people see who you REALLY are. It is an all-consuming fear of mine-to be known. That for some reason unknown to me, I have made quite public on this blog.
I used to drink to relax, to belong to something bigger than myself, and to distance myself from that part of me that felt “outside” acceptance from others.
I no longer feel the need to do that. I feel comfortable in my own skin. I accept, usually, who I am. I danced my little heart out a month ago in front of some very important people to me, and it didn’t matter what they thought of my dancing. I just danced. I let them in, just a little.
Accepting yourself is the best gift you can give yourself. It took me a long to find that in myself. I feel at peace more than I ever thought possible.