Vices and Victory!

There have been in the past very few times where I feel completely relaxed.  It is generally been paddling, in the outdoors, or when I’ve been slightly buzzed.  I emphasize slightly because I did not drink to get drunk…think what you will about this.  I drank to get comfortable in social situations, this was especially true when I was with people I didn’t know very well.  Yes, I am pretty much putting it all out there for the general public.  I think it will help people, and yes, I am really uncomfortable with it.  Also not sure if I should do it.   That is always a good sign.

Stolen from the interwebs.  I always reflect more when out in nature...just this pic.

Stolen from the interwebs. I always reflect more when out in nature…just this pic.

There are times where we do things that we don’t really consider because they make us feel better.  There are always things that make us act in certain ways and do things that aren’t necessarily in our character because we are trying to compensate for something in our lives that is lacking.  It was subconscious for me.  I did it to hide myself from others.  Something I have been  trying very hard to break myself from.  The deceit (mostly of myself), the hiding, and the shame that I felt for myself.  I didn’t want others to see ANY part of that vulnerability.  It’s about letting people see who you REALLY are.  It is an all-consuming fear of mine-to be known.  That for some reason unknown to me, I have made quite public on this blog.

I used to drink to relax, to belong to something bigger than myself, and to distance myself from that part of me that  felt “outside” acceptance from others.

I no longer feel the need to do that. I feel comfortable in my own skin.  I accept, usually, who I am.  I danced my little heart out a month ago in front of some very important people to me, and it didn’t matter what they thought of my dancing.  I just danced.  I let them in, just a little.

Accepting yourself is the best gift you can give yourself.  It took me a long to find that in myself.  I feel at peace more than I ever thought possible.

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Reflection, Movies, and Boots

It is the rare movie that connects with you in such a profound, guttural, and personal way that reaches down to your soul in a very real sense.  Wild is one of those movies for me.

Photograph taken by Pete Kreiger.   A moment of quiet reflection.

Photograph taken by Pete Kreiger. A moment of quiet reflection.

This entry is not about the movie.  It was just the catalyst of inspiration.  I find introspection and relief through nature, and it is often by myself.  I feel rooted-an escape from the madness that is life.  It’s just you, nature, and your boots.

I like people, and enjoy their company.  However, there is a visceral need to be alone and recharge, which brings me clarity of vision.  This is when I retreat to my places of peace and I disconnect from others.

I return refreshed, content, and often determined to get things done with new-found purpose.