Full Moon and Refocus

Since the Arbonne area retreat in Albany I had been doing inspired action to achieve my goal, which is a big goal. However, I knew something was missing. I just couldn’t figure out what it was. I was so focused on what I needed to do to achieve the goal that at some point in the last few days I lost the reason behind the goal.

It's a bracelet given to me by Debbie Carroll Neal.

Tonight is the Capricorn full moon, which is apparently very powerful. I am looking at it, and connecting with it. I am focusing on the power of the moon, and seeing what needs to change in my life. And not just in Arbonne, but in all aspects of my life. Most importantly, I deserve to let go of the outcome. Once I let go of the outcome, the pressure was off my psyche. There is a weight off my mind tonight. I am making a mental list of things that deserve-not need- to be changed in order for my life, my destiny, and my goals to be fulfilled.  Verbiage is another one. The word Need is one of the lowest forms of expression, and carries with it a low vibration. I am switching it to Deserve.

I feel grounded again, but inspired to touch as many lives as possible. The focus and intention has returned instead of the activity being similar to unorganized chaos. Activity without intention is like paddling with half a paddle. You may get where you are going, but it’s going to take a long time. Intention is key to obtaining any goal.

Sometimes we are so focused on the goal, we lose sight of the WHY behind the Goal. In the process, I lost the inspired action, and couldn’t figure out the disconnect between the action and the goal. It became slightly overwhelming, and without me realizing it.

I have unknowingly repeated this behavior for some time now, and never made the connection of why. Everyone has the habit of getting in their own way, and I’ve gotten really good at recognizing the signs of when I am doing that. The devil however is very adaptive, and when those old ways of hindering you stop working, it gets creative.

Chasing a dream is exhausting, which is what I have been doing for months now. However, reliving, immersing yourself in it, and envisioning your dream life on a daily basis are not only necessary to achieving the dream, but it’s reinvigorating.  I am enrolling not just active affirmations, but active, present vision into my daily life. BOOM.

Pilates, Resilence, and Grit

Grit. It is what you become, turn to, and evolve into when times and circumstances get hard.  Grit will help you get through the hard times, it will push you forward, and it will define your success or failure.

kelly and I

Last night and then again this morning I did Pilates, and the class was with Tammy.  Tammy is like a fluffy drill sergeant who doesn’t take crap from anyone, who will push you to the brink, and make you feel good about all of it, while simultaneously wanting to curse her name, sort of kidding.  She has been away for awhile, and Kelly has been teaching her class.  They have very different styles of teaching, and both are wonderful in different aspects.  Tammy, her class is like an hour of core work.  There are legs, arms, etc. mixed in, but it seems primarily attached to core.  Kelly’s class is a lot of about balance work, which is so important to me personally.  Yes, I realize they are both involve core.  They just seem different somehow, Tammy’s are more intense and Kelly’s seem more fluid.  Both really good workouts for different reasons.

I did not realize on signing up for the two classes that they were the same class, and as soon as I realized it this morning, I was like “oh no.”  I stayed in the class and pushed through the kick-ab workout (see what I did there?) because that is what it’s about.  It’s about pushing through when you don’t necessarily want to do something because you know deep down that it’s for the best.

My abs were not sore this morning, but they were a little tight.  My abs are a little sore now, so I can’t even imagine what they will feel like tomorrow morning.  I am manifesting for them to be fine, and drinking lots of water.  The grit comes in when you are on your last couple of exercises, and your abs and legs are screaming no more.  You push through, you finish the class, the workout, the dream, the homework to get to your goal.

I have several goals I am working towards, but none more important than my next qualifying for my next promotion in Arbonne.  I have never felt more strongly about completely a goal.  Are there doubts?  Sure.  I have addressed the current ones, and I am positive there will be more.  I will knock them down one at a time, just like I have any other obstacle that has come into my journey.

I will do this.  It’s not for me.  My mentor told me (verbatim), “you are incapable of doing things for selfish reasons.”  I need to do this for other people.  I need to paint the way, be the inspiration, and show them that it can be done no matter who you are.  Introvert, extrovert, or introverted extrovert (me).  I am getting this done, and it’s just the beginning.

Limits, Goals, and Expectations

There are a few things in life that can be as crushing as expectations, either by yourself or others (big or small).  There is an immense fear of failure in this country, and probably throughout the world.  This point of view is an immense scarcity in perspective.  I have learned far more from my failures than my successes.  Is it easy to acknowledge failure?  No.  However, there is not much accomplished when you pretend it didn’t happen, or worse, fail to take responsibility for the reason.  In my opinion, it’s only a failure if you didn’t learn from it.  Those eye-rolling, I used to be you.

I made a personal vow to myself in my business that regardless of if I was close to, achieved, or if I  wasn’t even close, I would go for it with everything I had.  I have had experience with doing the opposite because I thought not even trying to achieve it was better than failing miserably.  You know what the result of that little experiment is?  It makes you feel kind of shitty about yourself.  Because there’s doubt on top of doubt.  There’s doubt about your goal/ability to begin with, and then there’s doubt because you may have been able to accomplished the impossible if you gave it your best, die-trying effort.  And sometimes trying hurts, and sometimes it hurts a lot.  Failing hurts, too.

decisions regret

Regret also hurts and lasts far longer than any failure you have.  I have had many experiences in both.  Regret lingers because it haunts your subconscious.  There are a  couple of things crippling about regret.  The unknown of doubt, positive or negative, is a plague on many souls.  What ifs, because what if it worked?  How would my life be different?  The scale doesn’t really matter, either.  Been there, done that.  Big or small, lifetime or daily, the same thinking applies.  However, dwelling on the past and beating yourself up about it does not serve anyone.  Move on and learn how to do it better.

Exercise, Music, and Pushing limits

I will admit that I am totally, 100% addicted to exercise in a way I never thought possible.  If I go a two days without it, I’m like Jonesing for a fix.  It’s weird, but it’s a good weird.  Every time I go to Sphericality, I reminded that I made a good choice.  I finally had the chance to take a class with the owner of said gym, Dorian, and she did not disappoint.  Like most of the other classes I have taken there, there was a focus on form.  Dorian seemed to take it a step further, and went around the class and tweaked our movements if need be.  Kelly also did this.  This is one of the reasons I am coming to love this gym.  It’s almost perfect for me.

I love music.  I don’t play it, or sing it, I just thoroughly enjoy it.  It is apart of my soul.  Yesterday, my friend Jenny had her first open mic at her place in Bath, PA.  There were a couple of firsts for me.  I read poetry (okay, I had done it once before), and I played music for a genuine first.  I played the cymbals.  Yes, I know that’s not much.  For me though?  It was HUGE.  I have always thought I didn’t know how to keep a beat, at all.  Yesterday I proved myself wrong, because I was according to Jenny able to keep a beat.  I also felt like I could before I asked her.  It was a night of firsts, bonding, and just celebration of a new, eclectic space.

I pushed through a few boundaries, reading my poetry in public and playing music.  For me, there are very few things more vulnerable than those two things.  Reading my inner-most thoughts out loud to the public is something that I am working on overcoming this year.  This was a first step.  Was it uncomfortable?  Hell to the Yes.  Was it worth that feeling?  Hell to the yes.  Happiness and freedom lay outside your comfort zone, and that is where I am pushing this year.

I am a different person than I was last year, and I’m pushing myself to be even more different next year.  When I say different, I don’t mean a caricature  of yourself.  I mean that you are becoming the best version of yourself, and finding your true calling in life.  Which may be so different than you ever thought it could be (like mine).  Be in love with who you are, or at the least be working on loving yourself.  I know it sounds weird (guilty) and new-agey, but trust me when I tell you when you feel peace with yourself and your mission, there is a peace inside of you that rivals no other.

Day 6, Gym 4

I am repeating one gym (Gold’s Gym)  because I had very little time today to find a gym, make an appointment, schedule something, and go before it would have kept me up all night.  Plus, it was the end of my three day pass.  I plan on doing two gyms on one day, anyway soon.  I felt like I should give my body a little break, although, I am not nearly as sore as I thought I’d be after really not working out much at all in the past couple of months.  Thanks to the combination of Arbonne Phytosport line, specifically the hydration and after workout, along with stretching before, during, and after exercise, I’ve for the most part been sore free.

hydration selfie

I have noticed that my stomach is getting tighter again, which is really good.  I didn’t get to take a before and after picture for a few different reasons.  I feel better, have more energy, and just getting out of the little cloud I was in.  It is doing exactly what I had hoped it would do.

Today I wanted to do strict cardio because I haven’t done that yet, and wanted to gauge my fitness level.  I did 12 minutes on the rowing machine, which is my favorite cardio to do in a gym (running, hiking for outside).  I did almost 2000 meters, which I thought was pretty good.  I held my own, too.  I didn’t get too winded, but I did start to feel it after about 7-8 minutes.  I have come to the conclusion that you can do all the circuit training, kickboxing, etc. that you want, and it is more fun than a piece of cardio equipment, but there is no substitute for straight cardio, unfortunately.  You take a pause in all the other ones, because you have to.  It doesn’t work without a break (even a 10 sec) one.  So, it’s time to get back to the love/hate relationship I think everyone has with cardio.  😉

Little and Big Things

There is not much that makes me cry or even tear.  There are a few things that do:  highly emotional events, friends and family support, and nature connection.

I experienced a highly emotional family event in February-my Nana died at 96 years young.  I say young because she was the initial badass, and she remains an inspiration to me this day.  Those that know me, know that I will do anything for my family and friends.

I am going to fast forward to six months ago.  There have been a number of people on my personal growth journey that have been instrumental, and they know who they are.  When my Nana died, of course my blood family came together, but two other families gave me supported that I would not have thought fathomable about a year before.  My Arbonne family and my paddling family, and they were some of the first to reach out to me.  Reading my facebook entries and the condolescenes made this entry crystallize.  This entry has actually strayed far from my original inspiration, and it doesn’t matter.  This is why I write to let stuff out and process.

I lost my way.  I lost sight of the goal.  I even lost my belief that I could do it for a brief period of time.

My 96-year old Nana receiving a mud mask last summer. Thank you Arbonne for giving me the time with her.

My 96-year old Nana receiving a mud mask last summer. Thank you Arbonne for giving me the time with her.

Everyone gets in those periods.  And most people need a kick in the ass to get them out of it.

I had just such a kick, except it was mostly a kick from myself (yes, I had help).  I re-read a lot of my entries from February and March just now, and said “what the fuck are you doing right now!?  Get your ass in gear, and make Nana proud.”

Except unlike February and March, I realized it’s about making MYSELF proud.  She was already proud of me.  Now, it’s about changing and getting out of my own damn way.

Goals and Disappointment

When a person sets a goal (big or small), and fails to meet it by their deadline, how do they react?  It depends on their perspective.  I missed a big goal last month.  Was I slightly disappointed?  Yes.  Has it crippled me?  No.  I am still determined to get it done.  I was actually filled with so much gratitude because so many of my team members achieved their goals, and the energy that was created will continue into this month to fuel everyone’s business.

Be unstoppable in spite of fears and doubts. Taken from the interwebs.  Unsure of where.

Be unstoppable in spite of fears and doubts. Taken from the interwebs. Unsure of where.

I did not change the goal to fit the deadline.  I played full out until the end.  When you bring it until the end, even if you didn’t make the goal, you feel like you’ve won.  You have momentum that continues to build, and that is an AMAZING feeling.

If you stop before the deadline though, and then give up on achieving it at all?  The pain of regret is worse than the pain of failure, and can stop you in your tracks.  We’ve all been there, knowing that we could have done something more.  However, dwelling on the past and beating yourself up about it does not serve anyone.  Move on and decide to do it better.

Accomplishment and “Me” Time

I love my life, and the past two days have been inexplicably exhausting and awesome at the same time.  When you accomplish something that originally felt far away and almost unattainable, the feeling is immeasurably awesome.  That is how I felt yesterday.  I got promoted in my business, and just a few days ago I had no idea how I was going to get it done.  I just Believed and Knew I would.

Ocean is magical in the winter.  Photograph taken by Alexis Krukovsky.  Photograph taken at Spring Lake, NJ.

Ocean is magical in the winter. Photograph taken by Alexis Krukovsky.

Something that I had been lacking before.  I said I would get a big goal done, but I wouldn’t actually believe it. Now, I believe it. What a freaking difference that makes.  Previously, I honestly wasn’t sure how much that mattered.  Guess what?  It does.

The flip side is what you need to get your goals done.  I’m talking relaxing “me” time.  Everyone should have goals, vision, and a plan to get it done.  People also however need some time for themselves.  I find, and everyone is different, if I don’t get “me” time, I lose focus.  I spent the night relaxing with one of my closest friends before the start of this crazy month where we both have big goals.  It was a much needed respite, and it restored some sanity to my brain.

Goals – Creating Your Own Definition

Goals. It’s a word that people throw around all time often without much meaning behind it. What does it mean, though? I always thought it had to be some grand, epic event that I was striving to get to. And it can be, absolutely. But it doesn’t really matter what it is, as long as it matters to you. A goal is something that drives you every day towards a greater sense of self. Big or small, short or long-term.

Photograph taken by Alexis Krukovsky.  Taken in Lambertville along the Tow Path during the Spring.

Photograph taken by Alexis Krukovsky. Taken in Lambertville along the Tow Path during the Spring.

It could be going for a promotion, taking the perfect photograph, or doing something that is outside your comfort zone that will be a victory for only you to recognize.  The point is to tie your goal into whatever you are passionate about, and make it fun because then you will actually do it.

It may sound odd or even corny. But just wait until you start planning the goal, and writing down the plan to fulfill it. It changes your entire mindset. No matter how small that shift may be, and you will start to see a change in yourself. It was mind blowing for me. Then you will start to shine brighter than you ever thought possible.

And maybe even Dream again.