Life in Process

I feel like something has been unleashed. A being that has been dormant for so long. A beast really. A beast awakened. Ready to give battle to the niggle, to mediocrity; to my lack of responsibility and responsibility to my true self. The last one might not make sense. I quite frankly don’t care.

I am ready to begin my journey back to my best self. The one I let go with lack of integrity, and take ownership of responsibility. Maria was right. After the accident it was like my brain and being itself was shaken like a snow globe. It hasn’t settle yet. And that is partially my responsibility. I didn’t know how to get beyond myself. My self doubt, my judgment, my awareness, my bullshit story, and when it comes to down it, pride. My pride has been holding me back. To state publicly that I fucked up. That my integrity has been out of alignment for close to three years. For three years almost I haven’t done what I said I would do.

One of my core values historically has been integrity. I lost that. I lost that like a floating dock in a flood. I let go of my tether, of myself, and ultimately my core circle. All of it was my doing. I have a lot of damage to repair. Some of it might not be repairable, and I respect that. I am letting go of the shame of the past mistakes. Judgment and shame does not provide service to anyone. It focuses on the act, and not the person. I screwed up. I screwed up immensely, in a variety of ways.

The key? The key is to figure out how to apply the lessons from those obstacles to how to improve your life and the life of others. It’s about not taking the shame internal, but bringing to light. Brene Brown (I’m paraphrasing) says, “shame cannot live in the light. It breeds in the darkness of our soul.” I am not perfect. I don’t want to be perfect. Because it doesn’t exist. It by definition can’t exist. If you have carry judgment against yourself, LET IT GO. It is not serving you. I promise you, it is not serving you. If you have judgment against others, let that go too. Both of those are not easy. We expect perfection in this culture. We expect greatness.

goal bullshit story

I have experienced greatness, and I have experienced epic freaking failure. Out of those two experiences, you want to know what unnerved me the most? Was my own expectation of greatness once I achieved a certain level. I had PLENTY of expectation of failure and disappointment. Greatness and achievement? Not so much. I had everything going for me, and I was poised for the next level.

Accept I wasn’t ready. I got to that level in my social marketing business mostly because people said I couldn’t, and I wanted to prove them wrong. Which for me means BRING IT ON. It’s a low vibration reason to achieve something, though. Afterwards, my subconsciously was like “now what?” I didn’t achieve that level of excellence for me. I did it to prove that they were wrong, not that I was right. I also brought on an onslaught of change in a short period of time, and clearly I wasn’t ready for the impact. It was first the breaking the codependency, then it was the car accident, and then it was PTSD and subsequent therapy. All valid reasons, but also things to hide behind; they became excuses delaying my journey to my best self. They were excuses to bring myself down to safe and mediocre. No one is meant for safe and mediocre. They both suck. They are safe and easy. When was the last time anything great happened when you were in a safe and easy space? My guess is none.

day stop self-destruction

Best quote of the night from my friend Chrissy, “we all hope for impact, but we are surprised when it’s long lasting.” This was a free write, and I like it. I figured I’d share, and go with my moment of inspiration and creativity.

The Break




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Day 4, Gym 4

At this point, I had done bootcamp class, cardio (dancing), and circuit training with lots of abs.  I wanted to do either something soothing, or strength training, or both.  By default, I settled on strength training.

A friend of mine said that he could get me a guest pass for Gold’s Gym in Phillipsburg.  I know I said that I wanted to do all local, but I didn’t realize how difficult that was going to be in practice.  It sadly seems to be the way of the world at this point.  Strength training isn’t rocket science and is pretty self-explanatory.  If you haven’t done it before at all, don’t just jump in and start lifting shit.  Have someone show you the basics first.  After that it’s kind of like riding a bike.

They have a TRX set up.  I am slightly to moderately obsessed with the TRX since I used it once at gym.  You use your own body weight to strengthen your muscles in an infinitely number of ways and variables.  It’s brilliant and simple.  Since you are using your own body weight, it uses all sorts of muscles, tendons, etc. that regular stacked weights on the cable system (e.g. Nautilus) do not.  I did some basic arm exercises because quite honestly, I forgot the specific motions and form that focused on specific muscle groups.

I moved onto the weight room and free weights.  I noticed that it was one of the cleaner weight room/free weights I’ve seen in my limited sample size of gyms (not including the past 4 days).  They also didn’t use disposal paper towels to clean their equipment off, which is a bonus in my book.  This area is where you stack weights on different machines, or do arm curls, bench presses, etc.  In a traditional gym setting, this is my favorite place to be.  It’s customizable, you add the weight you want, do your sets, and move onto your next strength training station.

Upon moving from station to station, I realized that I have lost some muscle mass in my legs, especially the past few months.  I do not have a good gauge for arm strength, but I know I have lost some there, as well.  It’s from a combination of not paddling, lack of other exercise, and not eating properly.  Thank you Maria for challenging me to this.

I grabbed my stuff, and waited to talk to the membership person because that’s how it works.  She was very nice, personable, a little salesy but not excessively so.  They did have a membership sale that was going on that actually ended today, but I didn’t want to commit.  I have 16 more gyms to go, and then I will decide where my home will be.

As an aside, this has really been a lot of fun.  I’m loving the challenge, the accountability, and documenting the differences in gyms.  I am getting back to where I should be mentally wise, and the physical stuff is coming.

20 gyms, 20 days

My friend Maria challenged me to this 20 gyms in 20 days thing, and then suggested I blog about it.  Since everything she has ever suggested has turned out to be pretty awesome, I figured why not?  I’m going to be blogging about this journey every day for the next 20 days (I may miss one or two days here and there).  This will do two things:  1) hold me accountable, 2) provide me a written journey of what this will mean for my body, mind, etc.  I’m actually pretty psyched about it the more I realize I am actually committed to doing it.

My first class tomorrow will be a Barre Fitness class that is all core and toning.  Something I need lacking right now, and that needs to be addressed.  I am hoping to find another niche besides paddling, Arbonne, and writing.

DISCLAIMER (I really wish I didn’t have to do this):  I am not a personal training, fitness guru, etc.  I’m a chick who is on a mission to be the best version of myself, and for my little pudge to be gone.  If I can help other people in the process, WOOT.

Moments and Shifts

Sometimes there are moments that seem like they are still-life, and they are pictured in your mind forever.  Some good, some bad, some just are.

Then there are moments that change your thinking, change your perspective, and ultimately change your life.

I have had so many of these lately that it’s been a bit overwhelming.  My friend calls it “the gauntlet”, and she had run hers a few years ago.  I am running mine now.  It’s a series of life-defining events that are sometimes cataclysmic, but always kind of an emotional do or die situation.

tragedy-strength dalai

This year has been one of the toughest emotionally, but one of the best years of my life.  There’s been loss, heartache, emotional pain, and stress from a variety of sources.  All of that leads me to this.  This moment, my gauntlet.

I am done hiding.  I have hid behind a wall for so long, and I have written about it.  This is different.  It’s visceral.  It’s one of several breakthroughs I have had in the past months, but this is one of the most important.

Because it’s about me.  A lot of the other breakthroughs I’ve had, and the success has been because I wanted to be an integral part of building others up.  Because they deserved it.  It wasn’t because I deserved it.  I didn’t think I deserved that success, but I for damned sure wanted to help them achieve theirs.  To be apart of something greater, and we pulled together as a team and succeeded.

It was amazing to be part of that, and I’ll never forget it.

Now I realize that I DESERVE success, too.  For me, for my team, for my family.  And all of that is okay.  It’s not selfish, it’s not narcissistic, and it’s deserved.  I have worked to grow myself to the person I am today, and it was hard, it was painful, and at times it quite frankly sucked.  The outcome though?  The best thing I have ever done.  To realize I AM worthy of all those things.  Me.  Not for someone else, is my biggest shift to date.  I am quite literally shaking with fear and realization.