Quarantine Days 7-9

Quarantine Day 7

  • holy hell my abs hurt this morning, and you all with your memes being on point didn’t help
  • Today was a bit frustrating I’m not going to lie. There is very little that I hate more than trying to navigate professional, political, and bureaucratic bullshit. I am going to leave it there because one way or another it will get figured out. It is now out to the ether.
  • After spending almost three days indoors, I was going a little stir crazy. I have immense respect for those of you who sit behind a desk all day. I couldn’t do it. When I did do it for about six months, I’m pretty sure I was a miserable human being..
  • As soon as I walked out the door, I instantly felt better. I had a short window of time, but that’s all I needed. There’s an arts trail close to my house, and it’s near a creek. So both of those are a big win for me. I have always found water to be a calming balm to my soul. I spent 40 minutes walking along that path, and I felt like a new person. For me, that’s all it took for a total mental reset.
  • I am so grateful to have so many friends that check in on me on a routine basis.
  • I’m probably going to have a video chat date later in the week, and I’m pretty excited about that. We seem to get along really well 😀
  • This virtual happy hour is a great way to connect, and is SO much fun. We had people in four different states come together for bonding, laughter, and drinking. And all the puppies and kitties made appearances. Great conversations about important things, and also mundane life stuff. It doesn’t match the experience of meeting in person, but it’s the best we have. I’m grateful for the ability to connect with those near and far. Thanks internet!
  • Whoever created the app Zoom is a genius, and did a great job. Well played, sir.
  • The inanimate object winners for this plague: zoom, memes, and alcohol (if that’s your thing). I am really not exaggerating about that. The first two especially I believe are keeping relatively sane.
  • In memes and Andrew Cuomo we trust
  • Does anyone else think Andrew Cuomo should run for President? Is it too late? Because he would probably win.
  • I love that I can learn about nutrition for my health and wellness company, and how to encompass a fundamental lifestyle shift from my couch. Thanks Dr. Tanda, you were phenomenal
  • My awesome downstairs neighbor was kind enough to bring me some vegan chili, and it was damn good. Thanks Dawn for dinner and the tasty treat that went with it! I really have such an amazing life, in spite of how challenging life is at the moment (today I tested that hypothesis); pick something every day smile about. These are scary times right now, but temporary. Stay safe, stay sane, and stay safely connected ❤

Quarantine day 8

  • I really think the only reason I know what day of quarantine it is from writing these journal entries. People seem to be enjoying, which is cool. They are also cathartic for me.
  • Today was the first day where I truly had no motivation to do anything. I think a lot of it has to do with the weather. It better get sunny, or it’s not just me that will be having a hard time. I have basically spent four days inside, and today that choice was all mine.
  • I made my ass get up and get outside. I really deserve to remind myself that I always feel better doing so. The struggle was real today, and we’ll get through it.
  • I went on a walk today on the arts trail again. How is this different from yesterday? Yesterday was more like a mediation to relieve stress and center myself. Today was more about me needing a kick in the ass to get motivated. Thanks Mikki for helping me get out there. I love my tribe of badasses so much
  • I walked about 3 miles according to my Samsung tracker. I am seriously starting to doubt my Samsung Health app, and I have a feeling it has to do with elevation change.
  • For the past couple of days I have heard what sounds like scrubbing on the adjacent home to my apartment. I thought they were scrubbing walls because of this virus, but why would you have to do it so many times a day? Then I thought maybe they are doing home improvement projects like sanding. I’ll keep you posted.
  • Flirting has always been such a challenge, and it hasn’t gotten any better virtually or online. If you’ve got flirting skills, help a girl out 😀
  • I could get used to be called sexy…it’s nice to be recognized as such.
  • Friends of mine in my health and wellness company went into qualification for National Vice President. For those of you who don’t know, that’s an epically big deal. It’s the top qualification level in the company, and they haven’t been doing it that long. They busted their asses to reach this point. I could not be more proud of these women whom I have had the privilege to watch from day one of their journey. So much love to Bonnie and her daughters. You all deserve the massive success you are achieving right now
  • I had a bit of a scare with a friend of mine tonight, and she’s all good. She just went off the grid a bit, which I can empathize with.
  • I love when I can find another woman who appreciates driving stick shift as much as I do. Or really any gender at this point. It’s a dying art.
  • I had leftover sweet potatoes from the other day, and I decided to try something different. So I made sweet potato fries myself, and they were outrageously good.
  • I can’t wait for the oven part to get here. I rarely use my oven, but now that it’s not working quite right, I want to use it. I’m a stubborn bitch, I know. I’m proud of it, too. Most of the time it serves me well.

Quarantine day 9

  • I had a fulfilling day today
  • It’s my sister’s birthday, and the plan was for me to go for dinner, etc.
  • I call my parents around 10 AM, and say hey I don’t think that it’s a good idea for me to be there because I have been exposed to the public (I worked until last Tuesday). My parents are older, and my dad is especially is at high risk. I suggest we call or zoom, and I will sing happy birthday over the phone with all of you. My mom surprisingly agreed now is the time to be cautious. I was pleasantly surprised, because I expected a battle. My parents are learning this threat is real, and to not take it lightly
  • I figured out a different plan. My parents needed some stuff from the store anyway, and I called back with a revised plan. I’d pick up the groceries from the store; bring it off at my parents; exchange presents with my sister and the family, and then go home. Everyone wins! I love how my mind works sometimes
  • My friend Mel who lives in NYC birthday is also today, she did a zoom to celebrate her bday. Everyone on there lived in NYC or the surrounding area. It is eerily quiet I guess. It was nice to see and chat with her (it’s probably been three years since I saw her in person). Technology is wonderful. The virus was all anyone could talk about for the most part, and it made the threat all the more real
  • I belong to a FB group that is pure joy and supportiveness (yes apparently it does exist!) It’s the unicorn of FB groups. There are a number of people in there that are: older, high risk, autoimmune, or house-bound. I have always been a helper. I post on the group if anyone needs anything because I’m going to the store. I now not only have a plan, but I have benefactors of said plan. I am not looking to be made a hero here. There are others who deserve that praise. I will take credit for being a good person who loves to help those in need, when and if I can.
  • I go to said store and score the ultimate in purchases: toilet paper (add that to the list of 100+ things I never, ever thought I would say and mean)
  • This took longer than expected. My mom has an uncanny knack for calling when I pull into the driveway asking where I am. It’s a thing. Apparently my mom had my sister text basically ask where the hell are you as I am pulling into the driveway. Some things never change
  • I unload what my I got my parents, and bring in my sisters present. I am really happy that I thought of this plan. It is minimal exposure to my family and I get to see my sister experience her birthday. I will never, ever take hugging for granted again. It is almost painful not to hug my family. This is a big deal, and those who know me well understand why
  • My parents wanted a pack of the toilet paper out of the one I got for my friend (it’s a big pack). I try to explain that she is paying for this toilet paper, and you have plenty. Nope they want a pack. I sigh and give her a call. She being the wonderful person that she is says no problem. And my parents being the wonderful people they are pay for the toilet paper. Everybody wins, and I don’t feel like a total prick for telling my parents they can’t have the toilet paper someone else was going to pay for.
  • Yes this was a real conversation in fucking 2020, and I almost wet my pants when I got in the car. I couldn’t make this shit up.
  • I drop off said groceries to the two people who really need them, and they are so epically happy. They paid for them. It makes my WHOLE entire day. It feels so good to give back to a community that has given me so much
  • I head home. I am feeling very content and very happy that I got to please just about everyone today. That is a rare day even when there isn’t a pandemic
  • I pull over because the sunset is just ridiculously beautiful and majestic.
  • The girl I’ve been texting back and forth with, whom I really like, responds to my request for a video call. I say “great, what time works?” She says “now”, and I’m thinking okay. There’s a park right there, so that works. I really don’t feel like getting arrested for being in a random parking lot during a plague. Also, thanks Verizon (without any sarcasm for once) for increasing my data plan because for once you gave back to your customer base. I do mean for once.
  • It went pretty well. I am going to call it a random but awesome v-chat. It was fun, and it was nice to see her. The conversation flowed really well, and I felt a spark of chemistry. I have no idea what will happen, and we will see. Who knows. She lives pretty far from here.
  • I come home, and I have so many thoughts swirling in my brain as tends to happen on occasion. I make dinner, and it was awesome. Stir-fry awesomeness for the win.
  • Stay safe, stay sane, stay safely connected. Let there be love for all of us in unexpected places

Quarantine Day 4-6

Quarantine Day 4

  • Productive day today. I called the gas company about the gas problem. They said, do you know if there’s a problem. I said, “um, the gas keeps shutting off”. Them: “we can’t send someone out until we know there’s a problem.” The gas keeps shutting off, that would indicate a gas problem, right?
  • I call the landlord and fill him in. He basically says, find someone who is not going rape me with a service call charge. Me, um okay? I guess
  • I call a few appliance services. One says, it’s $140 just to come out. Another says, “basically screw you, I’m not coming” (honestly can’t really blame him). The third guy says, “I’ll call you later. Calls later, I’ll be out there tomorrow. I’m paid for my time.” DONE DEAL DUDE.
  • Another hike! Yay! I am epically grateful for any time spent outside. I miss my paddling time. I miss that connection, and more than anything I miss the challenge of nailing lines that are a bit outside my comfort zone. For those that don’t know me very well, get your mind of out of the gutter. When I refer to paddling, I mean canoeing, this time. 😉
  • At least I’m getting my ass in shape. It is getting better than a week ago, but still got a ways to go.
  • I am on quarantine day four. Holy schnikes to you guys going on two weeks. This shit is a challenge for sure. To those of you who are single and quarantined, PM me. Let’s chat about how challenging this is, and do it together.
  • Sigh, I finished the plantain chips.
  • On my way back from hiking I stopped by CVS. I was looking for antiseptic for someone in one of the groups I belong to. Her husband is an essential employee, and they don’t provide it. They didn’t have it, and I am not surprised at all.
  • However, remember the thing I said about gummi things (e.g. sour patch kids) being my kryptonite. If someone can figure out a more eloquent way to say gummi things, please tell me. I’ll just refer to them as sour patch kids because that’s what I buy 95% of the time. I figured this was my chance to get some. I was vulnerable, hungry, and it’s a fucking pandemic. I want sour patch kids. Those tricky bastards at CVS put tables in front of the counter. Six feet worth, and I am impressed for a couple of reasons. Numero uno : I can’t get to the smallest bag of sour patch kids. Since I really don’t want to crawl underneath a table, I need to grab a bigger bag. Now, I’m a scientist by trade. I’m weighing my options. A bag of sour patch kids or a pint of ice cream? I choose sour patch kids because they are cheaper, and I get more for my buck. So I get the smallest bag of sour patch kids, and go to the counter. The safety aspect of the tables is impressive too.
  • You know what it says on it? 3.5 servings! What kind of savage does that? Good for you if you can resist the power of sour patch kids. I finish the box in the time it takes to get home. I have some willpower; I didn’t get the bigger box.
  • I will either end up chiseled or 20 pounds heavier with a drinking problem. I shit you not.
  • We had a facebook messenger chat with video of mostly my paddling friends, and it was really awesome to connect, even if it has to be temporarily virtually. It was chaotic, awesome, and so human. I loved every minute of it.
  • I love my tribe of badasses. Tonight we talked with a variety of people who could not have been more different, and yet we were all the same. We are all challenged by this new normal. Mel rocks by being vulnerable, and saying this shit is tough, let’s get together.

Quarantine Day 5

  • The appliance guy is coming at 1, so clean up around the stove and kitchen area. I have this collection of corks that I have been gathering for years, and I actually put them into mugs. I briefly consider if he’ll judge, and promptly conclude I don’t care.
  • He comes, early I might add. What service guy comes early? I’d highly recommend this guy, and his name is Steve Houseknecht. Very professional, and also won’t waste your time. And of course it didn’t do the thing it has been doing. He says, look this happens all the time. I will tell your landlord that you are not crazy. He leaves around 1:30.
  • I SWEAR this is the universe being like, stop trying to bake bitch, and stick to your stir-fry and your amoeba pancakes. Because you are really good at improvising there.
  • I leave the oven on because I KNOW it will happen. Before he leaves, he says take a pic or video of when it happens. It clicks off at 1:45. I call him, and say, “I’m sure you are on your way to your next call, but it just clicked off.” I sent him the video. He called my landlord, and we are waiting on parts.
  • I belong to this amazing fb group that is literally just a bunch of women supporting women, and having FUN. The best thing about this is who knew such a thing could exist on FB with NO drama might I add. It’s glorious, and I am grateful just about every day for its existence. It’s become a sanctuary in the vast negativity that is facebook right now.
  • This whole plague is really cramping my dating life, but I am getting to know people better before meeting them. So that’s cool, but I’m ready for real-life interaction. Stay the hell home so I can get do that.
  • I do have a virtual date tomorrow. If anyone has any pointers for this, please let me know. This is such an odd, new normal. It’s temporary, and I’ll be grateful for the lessons. That’s the attitude I’m striving to remember.
  • No hiking today because it was miserable out. I did however do a yoga session that kicked my abs, and I took my Arbonne hydration and after workout to help alleviate the agony of tomorrow. I will keep you posted. You guys better not be on point with the memes.
  • I am a little under a half into my potato lasagna, which I’m going to freeze now. If I can find any room in my freezer, anyway. The struggle is real right now. I’m so glad I didn’t buy the bigger bag of sour patch kids
  • Improv dinner! What I had thawed seemed a tad past due, and if it was any other time, I would have cooked it. But I don’t need to get food poisoning during a plague.
  • I really like Brussels sprouts drizzled in oil olive and sautéed with garlic and some other spices. Due to the lack of a protein, and what I had in my fridge, I figured I’d do bacon-wrapped Brussels sprouts. If you like Brussels sprouts, DO NOT DO THIS. You will be ruined for life. They were ridiculously good. I really thought I snapped a pic of the delicious little nuggets, but apparently I ate them too fast. They were a great appetizer before my main stir-fry course with about a bazillion veggies.
  • Stay safe, stay sane, and stay safely connected. That’s my new slogan for this quarantine for the plague. All three are essential for us to get through this.

20200328_235053645852268190262698.jpgQuarantine Day 6

  • I’m really enjoying doing these. It’s a great way for me to get back into the daily habit of writing
  • I love my business. I was making breakfast and listening to a training at the same time. It was awesome. Voxer for the win
  • I made chocolate chip protein pancakes this morning, and they are looking more oblong than amoeba-like. They were also banging. Super dark chocolate for the win 😁
  • Progress! See universe I listened. I’m sticking with awesome stirfry combinations and breakfast for the moment
  • I showered, put on clean clothes, a bra, and makeup today. It’s the first time I’ve done all four of those in awhile. According to my tribe of ever supportive badass women, I looked radiant 😀
  • First virtual date was just like most other first dates, but for sure a little weirder. It was a little awkward; a little strange, but overall decent, I think. Not sure if there’s chemistry, but it might be hard to gauge virtually. She’s smart, and the conversation flowed pretty well. So at the very least, I’ll probably end up with a new friend. I’ll take that too. The new normal for dating. I’ve waited long enough to be truly myself, and embrace finding love. I’ll be damned if I let this plague get in the way. I love a challenge
  • Did I mention I have the best group of friends and community on the planet? The amount of support, love, and comments regarding my virtual date made me tear up. I almost cried this afternoon. I am so incredibly grateful to have found another empowering group of women. I am very humbled and very grateful today. You all rock.
  • I am so epically glad it will be sunny tomorrow.
  • You know what the weird thing about dating in general, even before this whole worldwide plague, is how there are like a bazillion women out there to sort through rather easily. It only takes a handful to figure out what you are looking for, and conversely what you are not looking for. I guess that was always dating was like. It’s just easier, but at the same time harder to make a genuine connection than it ever was. I don’t know…I’m not in the convincing business. I’m in the sorting business. Trying to convince anyone of anything is not a good way to go about doing things. Especially when regarding personal relationships. Deep thoughts by me
  • I was chatting with someone, and totally forgot to eat dinner. Until I went downstairs, and was like I really need to eat something. Turkey jerky it is. I really regretted freezing that lasagna at that moment, that was would have been useful. Oops
  • Most of you are on like day 15+ of this quarantine. I am on Day 6. In the tri-state area, we basically got told today that this is going to last a lot longer than expected. This nation and world we are tough. And we will get through this. Hopefully we’ll learn the lessons
  • This was basically Earth telling us, all of you have been a bunch of greedy assholes for too long. I am putting you ALL in time out. The earth always wins. You know what? It’s working. Fossil fuel emissions are down. Air pollution is down dramatically. For those of you who said we couldn’t cut greenhouse emissions. Well clearly we can. It’s a matter of doing it effectively and strategically.
  • We did this quarantine because if we didn’t the affects would be catastrophic, and if we did the worse thing that could happen is people bond. WHY CAN’T WE APPLY THIS LOGIC TO CLIMATE CHANGE. The data is just, if not more terrifying, than the long-term affects of covid-19
  • Remember that yoga class I took? My abs are a little sore today, but not terrible. I have a feeling tomorrow it will hurt to laugh. In this case, I’ll take a little pain. It means I was doing the exercises right. A little change to the cliché, no pain, no appreciation of the work to achieve progress.
  • I love that people are playing board games, jigsaw puzzles, and everything other family game I played as a kid. It’s awesome.
  • Can we get a collective shoutout to all the first responders, medical personnel (in every industry and category), vet techs, group home workers, grocery store retailers, truckers, manufacturers, etc that are still busting their asses every day. Sometimes jeopardizing their own safety in the process, and in some cases I’m not even referring the virus. There are so many people out there trying to keep this increasingly serious situation from getting worse.
  • To the unsung heroes beyond those listed: the stay at home moms (or dads) and teachers that are improvising on the fly to make this work. You guys all rock my socks off, and I have so much respect for you. I had respect for you long before this, but I’m sure it crystalized respect for teachers for a lot of people
  • I am epically grateful to have soo many socks, and they are almost all mismatched. You are welcome. Life is too short to match socks, fight me. Heather, sorry if that triggered your OCD.

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Quarantine Day 1-3

I have been writing these daily quarantine life on my social media, and it started off as just goofy anecdotes. Several people have commented privately and publicly that they are enjoying them. They describe them as uplifting and funny to read. I figured I would clean them up and put them here. I will do two or three day increments, and hopefully I’ll be able to catch up. This is not my normal style of writing, and is much more off the cuff. It’s been a cartharic way to not only process the day, but also get back into the daily habit of writing. Enjoy!

Quarantine Day 1

  • Waking up without having to go to work was odd, but I adjusted rather quickly
  • I decided to season my cast iron skillets with my help from my cousin and amazing chef Scott
  • What do you mean the oven kept shutting off at 450 degrees? Yup, but where’s there’s a will, there’s a way. I’m quite stubborn, and figured out I have to wait for the oven to cool down to finish seasoning later. I also need to call the gas company apparently, so grateful to have the luxury of time at the moment. You gotta make the best of a challenging situation right? That’s what I keep telling myself.
  • So HIKE TIME! It’s beautiful out with it being sunny and relatively warm in the mid 50s. It’s go time!
  • I am usually Miss Prepared that is what I am known in my circle of friends. My car is basically my swiss army knife. I can fix just about anything with the things that are in it.
  • Except water. I get to the trailhead, and I realize that I forgot water. Epic fail. So I’ll shorten my hike, no biggie. Um, what do you mean I haven’t eaten ANYTHING today except for a few squares of dark chocolate and a handful of almonds hours ago? Oops.
  • Wait, I’ve got apples! I can have those. They have water and carbohydrates right? I’m golden!
  • About two miles in on this beautiful day and hike, my legs revolt. Legs we’ve got to get to two miles! What do you mean you are done? It’s a tiny hill. Oh alright, we will head back. I’ll circle the parking lot to get 2 miles in.
  • I get home, and have an Arbonne protein shake because I’m starving at this point. I start the process of finish seasoning my cast iron dishes. I feel a sense of accomplishment, and better now that the task is done. I also have a glass of wine.
  • I organize my kitchenware around in my limited cabinet space, and a lid shoots down onto my stovetop and careens into my glass of water shattering it all over my stove top. Meh, no biggie. It was a pint glass that I didn’t care for. I vacuum and clean up because I have this thing about glass in my kitchen that I’m kind of picky about. I remind myself to never start reorganizing my tiny cabinet because chaos ensues, and things seem to break. I’m glad it wasn’t my lid that broke, because that would have sucked. Be grateful for the little things.
  • I cook dinner, and it is a stirfry with a ton of veggies, spices, and turkey cutlets. My cast iron skillet is now like Teflon, and it is amazing how well the seasoning worked. I appreciate my cousin even more.
  • I have joined a plank challenge within a FB group I belong to. I am past a minute, which I am quite proud of. I will slay you winter coma of lethargy body into an amazon woman of strength.
  • I am grateful for this time that I will get to spend with myself (it is only day 1, so that might change). I am infinitely more grateful for the doctors, nurses, grocery store associates, and everyone else who was not sent home like I was yesterday. THANK THOSE PEOPLE when you see them. Especially your grocery store workers. Most of them are emotionally fried because people keep coming in expecting miracles or harassing them about stock. They are doing the best they can with what they have. Be patient, but more importantly, be kind and grateful that they are there doing their jobs during this time.

Quarantine day 2

  • I was not nearly as productive as yesterday, and I’m becoming okay with that
  • I made vanilla-chocolate protein pancakes for breakfast that either look like cookies or chicken cutlets, apparently. I am incapable of mastering a breakfast that looks palatable, and that’s okay because it all tastes pretty awesome. I specialize in fancy eggs and amoeba protein pancakes.
  • Chatted with a friend who is also on day 2 of quarantine, and we swear we are both going to lose our minds.
  • The meme going around social media that says either all my chakras will be aligned and shit done around the house or 20 pounds heavier with a drinking problems, I could see why that is now. There is no in between
  • I went to the store. The people where I live seem much more rational than the people near where I work (it’s only about 35 minutes away). There was flour, paper towel, and even toilet paper. There were actually things in the grocery store. I’m still amazed I didn’t get jacked for the paper towel
  • I scored a box of disposable gloves. Mark another thing off on the list of things I’d never be excited to find, let alone be buying, ever.
  • I broke down and bought plantain chips. Chips and gummi things (bears, sour patch kids, jelly beans, etc) don’t last long in my house. They are my kryptonite.
  • Pretty sure I busted another online dating scammer today. It’s kind of fun to do a gotcha test, and see them try to squirm out of it. It’s the little things.
  • I skipped the plank challenge because I did a killer yoga class. I expect my abs and arms to be pissed tomorrow or maybe the day after that. Muscles like to trick you into a false sense of compliancy of “that workout wasn’t so hard”. Then BOOM. Holy abs batman it hurts to laugh. Which is a problem because the memes are so on point.
  • Let’s send out a vibe to all the stay at home mom’s out there and teachers too. They are the real heroes, outside the medical profession and grocery store retailers, who are doing a lot of heavy lifting of their own. It’s a brave new world, and it’s a really challenging position for everyone. But it’s also an enlightening one.
  • Thank the universe tomorrow is going to be nice again, and I can get outside.
  • I will go batshit crazy if I have to stay inside for any length of time.

Quarantine Day 3

  • I was craving hard-core comfort food, which is very rare for me. I decided to make potato lasagna (yes it is as awesome as it sounds). The gas went off THREE times while I was trying to cook it. I was losing my shit, even though I knew it was a possibility. It still turned out great. Did I mention that I’m stubborn?
  • I really wish I had done laundry before this whole thing went down.
  • This was me during spring cleaning, why the fuck do I have so many clothes? Me now, YESSS for me having so many clothes. I can always buy more underwear
  • Another hike! This time I did all the things one is supposed to do when you go hiking. I ate beforehand; I hydrated on the way to the trail head, brought snacks, water, and my hiking backpack! Go me. I completed about 5.5 miles, and it was glorious.
  • Adventures in the woods today included peeing in the woods! Upon said hydrating, by the time I got to the park I really had to pee. Because of the virus, they closed all the restrooms down. I fully support this decision, and also have no trouble peeing in the woods. I go down the trail; I find a tree; I do my business, and I walk back up to the trail. There’s a woman coming down the trail as I am climbing back up, and she has a cute puppy. This woman looks at me like I’m some serial killer that’s going to kill her dog. Because it’s always about the dog. She basically herds the dog away from me, and the dog looks really sad. Poor puppy and poor me. Apparently she’s never seen anyone come up from a trail before, who knows.
  • It was a fairly leisurely trail until the last part. The last part was like a mile uphill, which doesn’t sound like much. Except when you’ve already done over 4 miles, and you are not in the best shape. A mile uphill seems like a huge throw down. You want to see the vista, you’ll have to earn it bitch. Well, I did and it was awesome.
  • In spite of two apples, lots of water, and a jerky stick, I was starving by the time I get off the trail. Thank goodness I have the potato lasagna I can eat once I get home.
  • Bet you were expecting something dramatic. Nope…I ate, I drank, and now I am on the couch.
  • I am grateful for this weather and for this to be happening now when we can all get safely outside. Can you imagine if this was happening in January? THAT would be epically worse. Be smart people.
  • This is the slogan I came up with: stay safe, stay sane, and stay safely connected. Connection in any form matters so much right now. Check in with your friends and family, especially those that single.
  • I am blessed to have a group of friends that have checked up on me, and it has meant and helped so much.
  • Eventually we’ll get to hug again. Kevin, I’m coming for you!

Owning Your Truth, Part II

I have been steadily molting into truer versions of myself (for the most part) for the past seven years, and it started with my health and wellness social marketing business. I started on the self-development path because my mentor and coach advised me to, and I being the eager student, followed exactly what she told me to do and read. I consistently and steadily grew in my business and in my personal growth. For me, one of the most important moments of reflection was when people I had known for years, said (verbatim) “who are you, and what have you done with Alexis?” Before I started this often painful path of self-discovery, I couldn’t look anyone in the eye for more than a few seconds, and my head was constantly down when I entered a room. My goal in life until about six years ago was to be invisible in this world due to my perceived lack of self-worth. Breaking the perception of self-worth in my head was both uncomfortably painful, and even more incredibly rewarding and worth it every ounce of uncomfortableness to achieve. I am more “me” than I ever have been. And it’s been a hell of a journey. It’s a journey I choose to be never-ending because that is when one starts dying from the inside out. I know because when I stopped, that is exactly what happened. I was shrinking back into mediocrity because I felt I wasn’t equipped to deal with the issues in my life at the moment.

So as of today this is what my growth game looks like: my business is growing faster in the past three months than in the past two years; I am out and proud baby; I was in a relationship, and I feel comfortable in my own skin. I am actively putting my many talents and gifts back for the world to see and experience. If I am being completely honest, for most of the past two years I haven’t been allowing myself to be that vulnerable with my talents. I shrunk back into being trying to be invisible, but that wasn’t working either because I knew what it was like to be seen. My integrity was incongruous at best. I am purposefully seeking ways to bring my light into the world. I didn’t realize how much I had let it go out until now.

If you have struggled like I have with identity, self-worth; justifying your own bullshit story of mediocrity; validating yourself to your “peers”; trying to hide your emotions because to not do so hurts too much; the fallacy of being perfect (sorry not sorry), or trying to maintain an image that is not true to you- I am giving you permission to let all of it go. For those of you who don’t understand what I am referring to, that is AWESOME. I am both ecstatic for you and jealous. Because I thought needed permission to not be perfect. I thought I needed to wear a certain cape (e.g. persona) in order to belong. I thought I needed to be stoic because that meant being brave, courageous, and impenetrable to hurt. I thought I needed a certain job title and career to be accepted. ALL of it is bullshit if it does not serve you. And none of it serves you.

acceptance invisible

If I am being honest, I didn’t have much of an active personal growth game for almost two years. In my subconscious mind, my issues were too great. I didn’t know where to start, and I honestly didn’t realize how much of an issue it was until I started therapy. I was hiding. Again. And it was a shitty feeling to start to revert back to being invisible. I went back to being meek, apologizing, self-conscious, and my lack of self-confidence was back in full force. It started with a series of small decisions of not to do. My daily routine of gratitude, affirmations, and personal growth books became less routine, and then non-existent. I started listen to more audio trainings, which as a visual learner is not a good move of efficiency. It was a subconscious; “I don’t want to deal with any of these things right now in a deep way. So I’ll do superficial personal growth.”   There is a book called The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson, which is basically about making the decision to do the little things that are easy to do and not do. Both add up to big changes consistently over time. It is up to you whether they are positive or negative big changes. In my case, they were negative.

There were some attributing factors to why these things happened, but I allowed them to dictate my life instead of acknowledging their presence and figuring out what to do about it. Whether you know it or not, everything you do is an active choice. Most of the time the choice is determined by one’s threshold for how uncomfortable their lives become. I actively made a change in my behavior because the life I was living had become really uncomfortable, and that is not meant in the working through my shit kind of growth that will cause your life to get better at the end. This was the kind of uncomfortable where I wondered how the frak I got there, and how to climb out of the fire swamp that had become my life.

I am comfortable doing things today that I never thought I’d be comfortable doing. I have never been comfortable in my own skin, and had rebelled against finding out why until about seven years ago. I have never felt comfortable in my own skin unless it was canoeing or out in nature by myself.   Those were my churches. Those were the two communities I found myself accepted no matter how socially awkward I could be, and in those two communities became my refuge, they were my safe place to recharge and where I felt home. I used to say that I am a fundamentally different person than I was seven years ago. I don’t say that anymore. I say that I am the truest version of myself that I have ever been, and I will continue to evolve into being my best self.

come into your own

I feel comfortable enough to own my sexuality to be proud enough of it to be in a relationship, and believe I am worth of it. And unabashedly shout during Philly’s Pride Parade on behalf of my cousin’s church, “you are queer? We are here!” Did I ever think in my entire life I would feel comfortable marching in a parade at all? No. Let alone shouting for a mile with pride about my sexuality (a vulnerability that I used to hide behind), high fiving, and handing out a hundred stickers without feeling self-conscious at all? To have the courage to bond with complete strangers in a city I don’t know because we are really all there for the same reason? Hell no. But I grew to get there. I grew to be the person I am today. And I will grow to be person I am meant to be tomorrow. The growth doesn’t stop. It just evolves to destroy the next barrier inside yourself so you can become the truest version of you ever.

In my experience, the best and worst part of growth is you find out who your real friends are. Some people might not recognize and accept the new you, and fight against it. They might even try to tear the “new” you down with sometimes seemingly innocuous comments that sometimes hurt beyond measure. It is okay to feel that hurt, but don’t let it linger. I like to think of it like a paper cut. It hurts like a bitch when it happens, but is gone relatively quickly and forgotten. The fault is on them, not you. They are fighting against themselves because they are reminded what they could be, but chose not to fight for. Show them what you fought for. Even better, show yourself what you fought for. That is another thing the past few years have taught me. Proving others wrong is a great short-term motivator. Proving yourself right? That is when the magic happens, and when you start to discount the lies you have told yourself your whole life.

Freedom

The word freedom is a rather loaded word. It means something different to everyone. My freedom is paddling whenever I want, being able to give whatever I want without it destroying my bank account, and being present when one of my family and friends wants me to be there no matter what.   And travel. There will be lots of travel. To me, you can’t put a price on any of those items.

This is a pic of my crazy cousins, and their significant others, kids, etc at my cousin's wedding. I am so lucky to have them.

This is a pic of my crazy cousins, and their significant others, kids, etc at my cousin’s wedding. I am so lucky to have them.

Your freedom may be different. The key is to be able to actually EXECUTE that freedom.

There is also the third reality. The burnt out and/or overworked mentality. This is by the far the saddest, and in my opinion the hardest to get out. This is where you either work a bazillion hours and get a really great paycheck. Or you are working a bazillion hours just to make ends meet. I have been in the latter of those two. Many of you know this, but for those that don’t, I used to work two different jobs about 60-70 hours a week. In those years I made under $30,000 for BOTH. I got my W-2’s back and said, “Really? That’s it. There’s got to be another way.” It feels like there isn’t though. You become disheartened, depressed, and just resigned to the fact that this is all your life is going to be. You are really just surviving another day, week until the next paycheck. When you breathe a sigh of relief, and said thank the universe it’s payday. You lose your drive, dream, and eventually the ability to hope for something better. You believe that this is how it is going to be from now on. You become resigned to mediocrity.

Except it doesn’t have to be this way.

If you are in this particular mindset, there is a way to find your freedom. My way might be different from your way; however, I can say with conviction as long as you work your lever to freedom, you will get there. The last three years I have had a lot of absolutely amazing things happen, but I have also had some of the worst possibly scenarios come into my life during that time. Here’s the difference between now and seven years ago. I have a choice.   I got the opportunity to spend time with my elderly Nana and go to the hospital for both my Dad and my Uncle when it was necessary. I literally would walk out of my job saying I have to take care of my family now. I am very grateful and very blessed that my “regular” job I get to do that. Family always comes first.

The nicer part was because of my network marketing health and wellness business, my paycheck didn’t suffer to the point where I couldn’t pay my bills. I earned that time. I earned that freedom. It is like anything else, it takes work and sacrifice.

My question is what is your freedom worth?  Think about it.  This is not a hypothetical question.  Take some time and develop it.

Moving On

The worst part of moving on is realizing that you’ve been a jackass for way too long.  I had been clinging in some odd way to my previous life.  It was like I owed my previous life of co-dependence something.  I don’t, and I won’t any longer.

fear pass, regret not

Being vulnerable is a love-hate relationship with me.  This blog is definitely a part of that journey.  I express myself much better in writing than I do at any other form, so this blog is a major source of release and equal scariness.  I can connect with people on a way I rarely feel comfortable doing.  Real, vulnerable, scary, and it’s all me.  When I am with people in public, even most of my friends, they rarely see any of the above.  Unless my guard is down.

This entry is going to be a bunch of free-thought.   If you don’t follow it, that’s okay.  If you don’t like it, equally okay.  I haven’t been writing as much, which is always a red-flag for me. We are all in a battle for dominance in our own heads.  It is our will that determines whether the ego or our true self wins.

The Beginning

My life has been a series of transitions, as I think most people’s are.  For me, I found myself in college.  I didn’t have to be invisible anymore in college.  I agree this is often a theme on my blog, but it’s an important one.  I was actually for the first comfortable with myself and other people.  High school were not the best years of my life, it was full of years of hiding and pretending I was okay.  It was also were I had way better relationships with my teachers than with my peers.

Next transition was home from college.  I was back to being self-conscious and apologizing all the time when I got my first “professional” job.  There are many amazing things that came from that first job, but the best was being fired.  It led to a series of things that brought me to my friend Jenny.  Who introduced me to Arbonne, the best decision I have ever made in my entire life.

The Middle

The transition into entrepreneur was much longer than I thought it should have been.   The amazing thing about being in network marketing and entrepreneur enterprise in general is there is no time table.  I have finally taking control of most of my life, and it’s the best thing I could have ever hoped it to be.  There are more transitions to go, but this one was where I knew I could kick ass and change lives at the same time.

And yet, I still had not yet let go of my co-dependency.  I still lived under a roof that was both freeing and oppressive.  It was weird and it was not a home anymore.  I finally broke that cord in August.

personal style

Adulthood

I didn’t realize I hadn’t moved on from that until this week.  I have my apartment set up with the major things:  bed, kitchen table, kitchen stuff, and internet.  What I don’t have is a way to have people there.  Which would make it permanent.

I don’t think I truly realized what I big step that was until a few days ago.  This is truly my space.  It is no one else’s.  It is scary, amazing, and truly inspiring.  I will be free from the co-dependency when I realize that I am doing this.  That this space is mine.  I created it, decorated it, and am living in it like an adult.

Moving on is painful and necessary.  This is another step into a journey of greatness.  As usual, my head gets in the way of my progress.  It’s not even my head, it’s my ego playing to my insecurities.  We are all in a battle in our own minds for dominance.  It always depends who wins the war, not the battle.  I will win this war at any cost.  Because I deserve better and so does every one else in my life.  It starts and ends with you.

In Love with My Life

I have liked my life for the most part since I graduated high school.  I went to class, graduated, and I truly enjoyed and probably loved my life in college.  After graduation?

I certainly didn’t love my life; I barely had one.  It was working two jobs, 60-70 hours a week, and one job I truly did love, the other was just there to pay the rest of the bills.  One year I got my w-2’s back, and was like, “that’s it? And literally thought, ‘there has to be a better way’.”  I have found that way.  It is a company founded on respect, empowerment, and helping others.  There is no amount of salary worth making you feel like a piece of shit by the end of the day.  NONE.

One of the benefits of realizing one’s worth is that I am truly in love with my life.  There is a difference between liking your life and being in love with it.  Think dating to get a better understanding.  I love everything in it.  I love my friends, my relationships, my business, and  most importantly myself.

I have worked hard to understand, conquer, and retire my old-self, as I call it.  I have reincarnated myself to be more positive, self-confident, present, less passive-aggressive, and immensely grateful person.  Screen Shot 2015-11-26 at 2.01.43 PM

I am proud of my journey it took to get me to this point, and I am even more proud of apparently the inspiration in it for people.  There is no greater gift.