Playin’

I’ve
been

Playin’
at

Greatness

for
Over
a
Year.

Struggling
to

understand

Why.

until

Now.

Afraid

of
Who
I was

Becoming.

being
Known,

Rejection

by the
people

I
hold

Closest.

all
Ludicrous.

I’ve been
through

so
much

Worse
and had

Acceptance.

during
the
Dark
bouts

in my

Life.

and
Yet

the

Thought
of

Success

and

Independence

Stunted
me
into

Mediocrity.

I’m
Bigger
than

That.

I
Deserve

to
Thrive

Success
and

Freedom.

I am

Not
Going

to
Back

Down
this

Time.

to

Fear

Judgment,

ultimately

Shame.

for

embodying

my
Whole

Heart.

I
no

Longer
feel

Obliged
to

Hide.

Life
is

Discovered

in the

Discomfort

of
Growth.

it is
There

you

Find
Your

Truth

and

Acceptance

of your

Greater
Self.

Persona, Myself, and Reality

I have developed this persona of sports chick meets business casual.  And that’s what it is, a persona.  It has been hard edged and intimidating, which is really not what I had intended.  It was a barrier in a sense for people not to get too close.  The weirdest part?  I didn’t even know I was doing it.  All I need to fulfill that is persona is some straight up killer heels, super spiffy clothes, and then boom.  Intimidation persona complete.

persona4b

The reality is I am a down-to-earth, relatively easy going person who is easy to talk to.  Now, it would be MUCH easier to get the aforementioned clothes than change my style and approach to people.  However, I am not the type of person to take the easy way out.  I am nothing if not true to myself.  It will suck some of the time, and take more personal growth that will most likely be painful.  But I will do it, because that is my truth and my destiny to be that kind of leader in Arbonne.

Becoming Yourself

This year possibly more than any other year has been a year of change, epiphanies, and becoming the person I am truly meant to be.  If there was one thing I thought about myself my entire adult life was that I was always me.  I didn’t put on airs with people.  The odd thing is as you grow into adulthood is sometimes who you are smacks you right in the face.  Like BOOYAH, the past 34 years I was just kidding, this is who you truly are.  And it’s scary.  Despite Facebook and this blog, I really don’t like people knowing the real me.  In the past that has just led to heartbreak and misery.  The keywords in that sentence are the past.  I am sure I will have heartbreak again, but at least this time it’ll be in my truth.

Reality

What is scarier to you:  becoming the person you were meant to be and letting people see you or staying stymied in your old self?  For most of my life the former was infinitely scarier than the latter.  Some people do not want to see the truth, and would rather keep you down than see you blossom into the person you were meant to be.  The people that really love you will accept it right away, and sometimes the people who have known you the longest may take some time to see it or they may not see it at all.

The year of change and epiphanies just keeps getting better, and I am evolving into the person I am meant to be.

Because of Us

Based on the title, this blog entry may not be what you think it’s about. I had a few  conversations about different topics with one of my mentors today, and at one point she stopped and looked at me. She said, “are you okay?” I paused a moment, and said, “yes.  I was just thinking about how different my life is then it was four years ago”.  I looked at her and said, “it’s mostly because of you.”

white party pic

She responded, “well, it’s all because of you, actually.” I retorted, “yes, I did the personal growth work. However, it wouldn’t have happened without you.”  She responded, “it’s because of us, then.”

Relationships are complicated, regardless of what form. Whether it be platonic or romantic, mentor or friend, or personal versus professional. Let me clarify that statement: meaningful relationships are complicated. There are two forms of relationships: the real, genuine do anything for you kind or the convenient kind. Sadly, most of the relationships I have had prior to the past four years have mostly been the latter.  I think that is true for most people.  It is just easier and safer that way.

Mediocre vs Rocking It

Relationships exist for a number of different reasons. Number one reason is to challenge us to be better than we are. Often times, people do not want to do the work to be better than they are. They would much rather be mediocre than rocking it. Quite frankly, rocking it often takes a lot of painful growth, so why not stay mediocre and content? Comfort zone, safety, and mediocrity are where most people live, and that is okay.  Human beings were not created to live a mediocre life, so what if you want something more?

The Change

A good, meaningful relationship, however, will ALWAYS push you to the next level. It involves tough, sometimes hard conversations that neither person wants to have. It involves growing towards your next obstacle instead of away from it. Most importantly, it involves asking the right questions, figuring out solutions, and applying those solutions to life. You cannot apply change to your life without application and action. It just doesn’t work. I am a byproduct of the work on both my business and myself. I take ownership of both. Which type of relationships are you in currently? Take inventory of your life and figure out who challenges you and who placates you. The placators are not doing you any favors, and are in actuality bringing you down.

Be in a relationship type where there are “because of us” moments and growth pattern.  It truly changes everything, and as with anything worthwhile, it starts and ends with you.

Momentum

A few months ago my mentor in Arbonne had a vision retreat.  I was in the midst of one of a series of life-defining events that catapulted me into rage, determination, and focus like no other.  It was a respite from the craziness that had consumed my life, and I was deeply grateful for the trainings, inspiration, and passion that came from it.

I left there with inspired, determined action that I never believed I could do before.  I didn’t know this would make this much of an impact on me, and spur into action that I never dreamed was possible.  I finally understand momentum.

too positive to be

The definition of momentum according to the Oxford Dictionary is “the impetus and driving force gained by the development of a process or course of events.” Once you have it, and I have had it on a few different occasions before, it is both scary and exhilarating.  It is exhilarating for obvious reasons.  It is scary because momentum comes with certain expectations, especially if you capitalize on it.  It goes back to my fear of success, which I wrote about before.  It is about getting comfortable with being uncomfortable; going for it and not caring about failing, and most importantly, it is about showing yourself that you can conquer that fear of achievement.

The best part about momentum?  It is Contagious.  I am literally smiling all the time, and I can feel this hum inside of me.  I am full of energy and excitement that threatens to cover everyone with glitter and unicorn dust.  My determination born out of chaos, and the need to be responsible for my own environment has set my soul on fire.  And I’m going to keep going in spite of my fears of success, vulnerability, and change until I get where I want to be.

 

Year in Review

This year has been a roller coaster ride of loss, painful personal growth, healthier lifestyle, recognition, pinnacle achievements in two different passions, many personal revelations, family stuff, and an outstanding blow up in my business.

 

Resolve face

The look of determination

The personal revelations have come from the gauntlet of family events and personal events in my life the past couple of months that have set my soul on fire with focus.  I had written about it before, and the impact on my state of mind and sense of purpose.  The past month I reached the achievement of going into Area Manager in Qualification in my Arbonne business.  I won’t go into what that means here, just know that it’s really important and it means I can build a financial legacy for my family very soon.

A few things happened when this achievement was posted on the ubiquitous Facebook.  My Facebook exploded with people from all over congratulating me; I had people reach out to me privately to congratulate and to tell me how inspired they were, and I was a very humbled, proud person.

This kind of appreciation, love, recognition, and acceptance is not necessarily new for me to receive, especially this past year.  What is new to me is the level of appreciation, gratitude, and just overall sense of happiness and amazement I feel within myself to be receiving all of those things.

This year has been primarily about growing through some very painful (not physical, fortunately) limitations in my life.  Lately, I have realized my self-worth; what an inspiration I am to others, an overall sense of self and what I can give to this world.

It’s an incredibly amazing, gratifying experience to be able to inspire (their words) people I haven’t met yet.  I understand where I am going, I understand what I have to offer, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to get .  Perhaps more importantly, I am not going withhold the belief and gift of inspiration in myself.

Untitled – 10/6/15

Untitled

The
memory
as
vivid
as
a
movie.

I was
completely
Broken.

The Girls
behind me
were
bashing
my seat
with their
Knees.

They asked
Did
I Care?

I said,
blankly,
No.  I
don’t.

It
Didn’t.
Nothing
Did.

It was
the
Start
of the
Wall.

The
Start
of
Isolation.

The
Beginning
of so
many
Destructive,
Protective

habits.

and
they
All
Worked.

until
they
Didn’t.

Isolation,
poverty,
Walls
can
only
last
so
Long.

Before
I
Craved
something
Better.

Connection.

and
Life.

Little and Big Things

There is not much that makes me cry or even tear.  There are a few things that do:  highly emotional events, friends and family support, and nature connection.

I experienced a highly emotional family event in February-my Nana died at 96 years young.  I say young because she was the initial badass, and she remains an inspiration to me this day.  Those that know me, know that I will do anything for my family and friends.

I am going to fast forward to six months ago.  There have been a number of people on my personal growth journey that have been instrumental, and they know who they are.  When my Nana died, of course my blood family came together, but two other families gave me supported that I would not have thought fathomable about a year before.  My Arbonne family and my paddling family, and they were some of the first to reach out to me.  Reading my facebook entries and the condolescenes made this entry crystallize.  This entry has actually strayed far from my original inspiration, and it doesn’t matter.  This is why I write to let stuff out and process.

I lost my way.  I lost sight of the goal.  I even lost my belief that I could do it for a brief period of time.

My 96-year old Nana receiving a mud mask last summer. Thank you Arbonne for giving me the time with her.

My 96-year old Nana receiving a mud mask last summer. Thank you Arbonne for giving me the time with her.

Everyone gets in those periods.  And most people need a kick in the ass to get them out of it.

I had just such a kick, except it was mostly a kick from myself (yes, I had help).  I re-read a lot of my entries from February and March just now, and said “what the fuck are you doing right now!?  Get your ass in gear, and make Nana proud.”

Except unlike February and March, I realized it’s about making MYSELF proud.  She was already proud of me.  Now, it’s about changing and getting out of my own damn way.

Belonging, Terror, and Love

I have been pondering the past month about the many things that have changed in my life so much in three years.  Since I was in middle school, I have been searching for and also running from belonging to anything outside my family.  I’m fortunate enough to be comfortable with my family, which has always been my rock.  I’ve just expanded it a bit.

I didn’t belong to anything in middle school or high schooI, beyond an environmental club and to a certain extent my church youth group.  Even that was superficial.  I think everyone to some degree goes through bullying in middle and high school, and it affected me greatly-I know I am not unique in those aspects.  It was typical middle and high school tormenting, and it left deep scars of trust issues.  The groups I thought I belonged to, I really didn’t.  I felt awkward, uncomfortable, and painfully self-conscious most of the time.  So I retreated, and built reinforced concrete walls.

It was simple in mind.  Belonging equalled trust that inevitably lead to hurt, which led to me being terrified of letting myself get close enough to feel worthy of belonging.  It was one more thing to lose, one more heartbreak, and it was just easier to cut myself off emotionally.  It was damned effective.

At my community college was the first time in a very long time I felt I belonged somewhere, and it wasn’t superficial.  I found my beloved Garden Club, the Garden Elite.  I am not sure whether it was because some of them were older that I felt more at ease, or just because they were an exceptionally accepting group that made even an awkward newcomer feel welcome.  For whatever reason, I did feel welcome, and more importantly, I let myself feel that I deserved to be included.  As I am writing this, I am realizing what a defining period it was in my life.  I trusted people a little, and it didn’t hurt.  There was just acceptance, love, and I will forever be grateful to them.  I am still in touch with those people today.

Garden Elite 2002. Left to right: Monica, Taylor, me, Lauren, Dustin

Garden Elite 2002. Left to right: Monica, April, me, Lauren, Dustin

After college was a struggle to belong again, and I was back to feeling like I did in high school.  The scarcity mindset had returned, and I wondered if I would ever feel good enough at anything again.  Fast forward to three years ago.  I found friends, a tremendous group of people, and an organization who’s entire philosophy is to empower people.  I feel a true sense of belonging, love, and appreciation I never thought I would ever receive again, or let myself feel like I could let people in without fear.  I found my group, who is a part of my extended family, and to finally feel like I belong somewhere, and that I am worthy of it, is an indescribable feeling of gratitude.  I have surrounded myself with people who love and accept me for me.

Epiphanies and Joy

There is something amazing about Realizing things you thought dictated your life story, and realizing They no longer Matter.

IMG_5795356049180

What a freeing thought that is.
And to embrace and accept it as FACT is even bigger.

To be an adult is to be free.  From what freedom that is for you to choose.

Enjoy.
Live.
Choose.

GO!

P.S.  Everyone has those thoughts.  I don’t care how powerful or your title in life, EVERYONE has those thoughts of imperfection.

Hiding and New Beginnings

Hi all.  I am relatively new to blogging, and sharing my internal thoughts and feelings to people is also a relatively new experience for me.  I am sure most of you can relate to that.   Below is a poem about hiding.

Hiding by Alexis Krukovsky

Your
Outside
Reality
is
a
Mask.

Your
True
self
tho?

Rarely
revealed.

to a
Few
who have
only
Deciphered
the
Surface
of
You.

Your
True
self
stripped?

It is
Daunting,
Challenges
Vigil
of
One’s
Self.

The
Alternative?

To
discover
one’s
Self
at 30.

Then
Realize
That your
True
self
is a
much more
Powerful
Entity
than you
Ever
Believed
possible.

You
Smile.
And
know
You
did
It.