Quarantine Days 7-9

Quarantine Day 7

  • holy hell my abs hurt this morning, and you all with your memes being on point didn’t help
  • Today was a bit frustrating I’m not going to lie. There is very little that I hate more than trying to navigate professional, political, and bureaucratic bullshit. I am going to leave it there because one way or another it will get figured out. It is now out to the ether.
  • After spending almost three days indoors, I was going a little stir crazy. I have immense respect for those of you who sit behind a desk all day. I couldn’t do it. When I did do it for about six months, I’m pretty sure I was a miserable human being..
  • As soon as I walked out the door, I instantly felt better. I had a short window of time, but that’s all I needed. There’s an arts trail close to my house, and it’s near a creek. So both of those are a big win for me. I have always found water to be a calming balm to my soul. I spent 40 minutes walking along that path, and I felt like a new person. For me, that’s all it took for a total mental reset.
  • I am so grateful to have so many friends that check in on me on a routine basis.
  • I’m probably going to have a video chat date later in the week, and I’m pretty excited about that. We seem to get along really well 😀
  • This virtual happy hour is a great way to connect, and is SO much fun. We had people in four different states come together for bonding, laughter, and drinking. And all the puppies and kitties made appearances. Great conversations about important things, and also mundane life stuff. It doesn’t match the experience of meeting in person, but it’s the best we have. I’m grateful for the ability to connect with those near and far. Thanks internet!
  • Whoever created the app Zoom is a genius, and did a great job. Well played, sir.
  • The inanimate object winners for this plague: zoom, memes, and alcohol (if that’s your thing). I am really not exaggerating about that. The first two especially I believe are keeping relatively sane.
  • In memes and Andrew Cuomo we trust
  • Does anyone else think Andrew Cuomo should run for President? Is it too late? Because he would probably win.
  • I love that I can learn about nutrition for my health and wellness company, and how to encompass a fundamental lifestyle shift from my couch. Thanks Dr. Tanda, you were phenomenal
  • My awesome downstairs neighbor was kind enough to bring me some vegan chili, and it was damn good. Thanks Dawn for dinner and the tasty treat that went with it! I really have such an amazing life, in spite of how challenging life is at the moment (today I tested that hypothesis); pick something every day smile about. These are scary times right now, but temporary. Stay safe, stay sane, and stay safely connected ❤

Quarantine day 8

  • I really think the only reason I know what day of quarantine it is from writing these journal entries. People seem to be enjoying, which is cool. They are also cathartic for me.
  • Today was the first day where I truly had no motivation to do anything. I think a lot of it has to do with the weather. It better get sunny, or it’s not just me that will be having a hard time. I have basically spent four days inside, and today that choice was all mine.
  • I made my ass get up and get outside. I really deserve to remind myself that I always feel better doing so. The struggle was real today, and we’ll get through it.
  • I went on a walk today on the arts trail again. How is this different from yesterday? Yesterday was more like a mediation to relieve stress and center myself. Today was more about me needing a kick in the ass to get motivated. Thanks Mikki for helping me get out there. I love my tribe of badasses so much
  • I walked about 3 miles according to my Samsung tracker. I am seriously starting to doubt my Samsung Health app, and I have a feeling it has to do with elevation change.
  • For the past couple of days I have heard what sounds like scrubbing on the adjacent home to my apartment. I thought they were scrubbing walls because of this virus, but why would you have to do it so many times a day? Then I thought maybe they are doing home improvement projects like sanding. I’ll keep you posted.
  • Flirting has always been such a challenge, and it hasn’t gotten any better virtually or online. If you’ve got flirting skills, help a girl out 😀
  • I could get used to be called sexy…it’s nice to be recognized as such.
  • Friends of mine in my health and wellness company went into qualification for National Vice President. For those of you who don’t know, that’s an epically big deal. It’s the top qualification level in the company, and they haven’t been doing it that long. They busted their asses to reach this point. I could not be more proud of these women whom I have had the privilege to watch from day one of their journey. So much love to Bonnie and her daughters. You all deserve the massive success you are achieving right now
  • I had a bit of a scare with a friend of mine tonight, and she’s all good. She just went off the grid a bit, which I can empathize with.
  • I love when I can find another woman who appreciates driving stick shift as much as I do. Or really any gender at this point. It’s a dying art.
  • I had leftover sweet potatoes from the other day, and I decided to try something different. So I made sweet potato fries myself, and they were outrageously good.
  • I can’t wait for the oven part to get here. I rarely use my oven, but now that it’s not working quite right, I want to use it. I’m a stubborn bitch, I know. I’m proud of it, too. Most of the time it serves me well.

Quarantine day 9

  • I had a fulfilling day today
  • It’s my sister’s birthday, and the plan was for me to go for dinner, etc.
  • I call my parents around 10 AM, and say hey I don’t think that it’s a good idea for me to be there because I have been exposed to the public (I worked until last Tuesday). My parents are older, and my dad is especially is at high risk. I suggest we call or zoom, and I will sing happy birthday over the phone with all of you. My mom surprisingly agreed now is the time to be cautious. I was pleasantly surprised, because I expected a battle. My parents are learning this threat is real, and to not take it lightly
  • I figured out a different plan. My parents needed some stuff from the store anyway, and I called back with a revised plan. I’d pick up the groceries from the store; bring it off at my parents; exchange presents with my sister and the family, and then go home. Everyone wins! I love how my mind works sometimes
  • My friend Mel who lives in NYC birthday is also today, she did a zoom to celebrate her bday. Everyone on there lived in NYC or the surrounding area. It is eerily quiet I guess. It was nice to see and chat with her (it’s probably been three years since I saw her in person). Technology is wonderful. The virus was all anyone could talk about for the most part, and it made the threat all the more real
  • I belong to a FB group that is pure joy and supportiveness (yes apparently it does exist!) It’s the unicorn of FB groups. There are a number of people in there that are: older, high risk, autoimmune, or house-bound. I have always been a helper. I post on the group if anyone needs anything because I’m going to the store. I now not only have a plan, but I have benefactors of said plan. I am not looking to be made a hero here. There are others who deserve that praise. I will take credit for being a good person who loves to help those in need, when and if I can.
  • I go to said store and score the ultimate in purchases: toilet paper (add that to the list of 100+ things I never, ever thought I would say and mean)
  • This took longer than expected. My mom has an uncanny knack for calling when I pull into the driveway asking where I am. It’s a thing. Apparently my mom had my sister text basically ask where the hell are you as I am pulling into the driveway. Some things never change
  • I unload what my I got my parents, and bring in my sisters present. I am really happy that I thought of this plan. It is minimal exposure to my family and I get to see my sister experience her birthday. I will never, ever take hugging for granted again. It is almost painful not to hug my family. This is a big deal, and those who know me well understand why
  • My parents wanted a pack of the toilet paper out of the one I got for my friend (it’s a big pack). I try to explain that she is paying for this toilet paper, and you have plenty. Nope they want a pack. I sigh and give her a call. She being the wonderful person that she is says no problem. And my parents being the wonderful people they are pay for the toilet paper. Everybody wins, and I don’t feel like a total prick for telling my parents they can’t have the toilet paper someone else was going to pay for.
  • Yes this was a real conversation in fucking 2020, and I almost wet my pants when I got in the car. I couldn’t make this shit up.
  • I drop off said groceries to the two people who really need them, and they are so epically happy. They paid for them. It makes my WHOLE entire day. It feels so good to give back to a community that has given me so much
  • I head home. I am feeling very content and very happy that I got to please just about everyone today. That is a rare day even when there isn’t a pandemic
  • I pull over because the sunset is just ridiculously beautiful and majestic.
  • The girl I’ve been texting back and forth with, whom I really like, responds to my request for a video call. I say “great, what time works?” She says “now”, and I’m thinking okay. There’s a park right there, so that works. I really don’t feel like getting arrested for being in a random parking lot during a plague. Also, thanks Verizon (without any sarcasm for once) for increasing my data plan because for once you gave back to your customer base. I do mean for once.
  • It went pretty well. I am going to call it a random but awesome v-chat. It was fun, and it was nice to see her. The conversation flowed really well, and I felt a spark of chemistry. I have no idea what will happen, and we will see. Who knows. She lives pretty far from here.
  • I come home, and I have so many thoughts swirling in my brain as tends to happen on occasion. I make dinner, and it was awesome. Stir-fry awesomeness for the win.
  • Stay safe, stay sane, stay safely connected. Let there be love for all of us in unexpected places

Quarantine Day 4-6

Quarantine Day 4

  • Productive day today. I called the gas company about the gas problem. They said, do you know if there’s a problem. I said, “um, the gas keeps shutting off”. Them: “we can’t send someone out until we know there’s a problem.” The gas keeps shutting off, that would indicate a gas problem, right?
  • I call the landlord and fill him in. He basically says, find someone who is not going rape me with a service call charge. Me, um okay? I guess
  • I call a few appliance services. One says, it’s $140 just to come out. Another says, “basically screw you, I’m not coming” (honestly can’t really blame him). The third guy says, “I’ll call you later. Calls later, I’ll be out there tomorrow. I’m paid for my time.” DONE DEAL DUDE.
  • Another hike! Yay! I am epically grateful for any time spent outside. I miss my paddling time. I miss that connection, and more than anything I miss the challenge of nailing lines that are a bit outside my comfort zone. For those that don’t know me very well, get your mind of out of the gutter. When I refer to paddling, I mean canoeing, this time. 😉
  • At least I’m getting my ass in shape. It is getting better than a week ago, but still got a ways to go.
  • I am on quarantine day four. Holy schnikes to you guys going on two weeks. This shit is a challenge for sure. To those of you who are single and quarantined, PM me. Let’s chat about how challenging this is, and do it together.
  • Sigh, I finished the plantain chips.
  • On my way back from hiking I stopped by CVS. I was looking for antiseptic for someone in one of the groups I belong to. Her husband is an essential employee, and they don’t provide it. They didn’t have it, and I am not surprised at all.
  • However, remember the thing I said about gummi things (e.g. sour patch kids) being my kryptonite. If someone can figure out a more eloquent way to say gummi things, please tell me. I’ll just refer to them as sour patch kids because that’s what I buy 95% of the time. I figured this was my chance to get some. I was vulnerable, hungry, and it’s a fucking pandemic. I want sour patch kids. Those tricky bastards at CVS put tables in front of the counter. Six feet worth, and I am impressed for a couple of reasons. Numero uno : I can’t get to the smallest bag of sour patch kids. Since I really don’t want to crawl underneath a table, I need to grab a bigger bag. Now, I’m a scientist by trade. I’m weighing my options. A bag of sour patch kids or a pint of ice cream? I choose sour patch kids because they are cheaper, and I get more for my buck. So I get the smallest bag of sour patch kids, and go to the counter. The safety aspect of the tables is impressive too.
  • You know what it says on it? 3.5 servings! What kind of savage does that? Good for you if you can resist the power of sour patch kids. I finish the box in the time it takes to get home. I have some willpower; I didn’t get the bigger box.
  • I will either end up chiseled or 20 pounds heavier with a drinking problem. I shit you not.
  • We had a facebook messenger chat with video of mostly my paddling friends, and it was really awesome to connect, even if it has to be temporarily virtually. It was chaotic, awesome, and so human. I loved every minute of it.
  • I love my tribe of badasses. Tonight we talked with a variety of people who could not have been more different, and yet we were all the same. We are all challenged by this new normal. Mel rocks by being vulnerable, and saying this shit is tough, let’s get together.

Quarantine Day 5

  • The appliance guy is coming at 1, so clean up around the stove and kitchen area. I have this collection of corks that I have been gathering for years, and I actually put them into mugs. I briefly consider if he’ll judge, and promptly conclude I don’t care.
  • He comes, early I might add. What service guy comes early? I’d highly recommend this guy, and his name is Steve Houseknecht. Very professional, and also won’t waste your time. And of course it didn’t do the thing it has been doing. He says, look this happens all the time. I will tell your landlord that you are not crazy. He leaves around 1:30.
  • I SWEAR this is the universe being like, stop trying to bake bitch, and stick to your stir-fry and your amoeba pancakes. Because you are really good at improvising there.
  • I leave the oven on because I KNOW it will happen. Before he leaves, he says take a pic or video of when it happens. It clicks off at 1:45. I call him, and say, “I’m sure you are on your way to your next call, but it just clicked off.” I sent him the video. He called my landlord, and we are waiting on parts.
  • I belong to this amazing fb group that is literally just a bunch of women supporting women, and having FUN. The best thing about this is who knew such a thing could exist on FB with NO drama might I add. It’s glorious, and I am grateful just about every day for its existence. It’s become a sanctuary in the vast negativity that is facebook right now.
  • This whole plague is really cramping my dating life, but I am getting to know people better before meeting them. So that’s cool, but I’m ready for real-life interaction. Stay the hell home so I can get do that.
  • I do have a virtual date tomorrow. If anyone has any pointers for this, please let me know. This is such an odd, new normal. It’s temporary, and I’ll be grateful for the lessons. That’s the attitude I’m striving to remember.
  • No hiking today because it was miserable out. I did however do a yoga session that kicked my abs, and I took my Arbonne hydration and after workout to help alleviate the agony of tomorrow. I will keep you posted. You guys better not be on point with the memes.
  • I am a little under a half into my potato lasagna, which I’m going to freeze now. If I can find any room in my freezer, anyway. The struggle is real right now. I’m so glad I didn’t buy the bigger bag of sour patch kids
  • Improv dinner! What I had thawed seemed a tad past due, and if it was any other time, I would have cooked it. But I don’t need to get food poisoning during a plague.
  • I really like Brussels sprouts drizzled in oil olive and sautéed with garlic and some other spices. Due to the lack of a protein, and what I had in my fridge, I figured I’d do bacon-wrapped Brussels sprouts. If you like Brussels sprouts, DO NOT DO THIS. You will be ruined for life. They were ridiculously good. I really thought I snapped a pic of the delicious little nuggets, but apparently I ate them too fast. They were a great appetizer before my main stir-fry course with about a bazillion veggies.
  • Stay safe, stay sane, and stay safely connected. That’s my new slogan for this quarantine for the plague. All three are essential for us to get through this.

20200328_235053645852268190262698.jpgQuarantine Day 6

  • I’m really enjoying doing these. It’s a great way for me to get back into the daily habit of writing
  • I love my business. I was making breakfast and listening to a training at the same time. It was awesome. Voxer for the win
  • I made chocolate chip protein pancakes this morning, and they are looking more oblong than amoeba-like. They were also banging. Super dark chocolate for the win 😁
  • Progress! See universe I listened. I’m sticking with awesome stirfry combinations and breakfast for the moment
  • I showered, put on clean clothes, a bra, and makeup today. It’s the first time I’ve done all four of those in awhile. According to my tribe of ever supportive badass women, I looked radiant 😀
  • First virtual date was just like most other first dates, but for sure a little weirder. It was a little awkward; a little strange, but overall decent, I think. Not sure if there’s chemistry, but it might be hard to gauge virtually. She’s smart, and the conversation flowed pretty well. So at the very least, I’ll probably end up with a new friend. I’ll take that too. The new normal for dating. I’ve waited long enough to be truly myself, and embrace finding love. I’ll be damned if I let this plague get in the way. I love a challenge
  • Did I mention I have the best group of friends and community on the planet? The amount of support, love, and comments regarding my virtual date made me tear up. I almost cried this afternoon. I am so incredibly grateful to have found another empowering group of women. I am very humbled and very grateful today. You all rock.
  • I am so epically glad it will be sunny tomorrow.
  • You know what the weird thing about dating in general, even before this whole worldwide plague, is how there are like a bazillion women out there to sort through rather easily. It only takes a handful to figure out what you are looking for, and conversely what you are not looking for. I guess that was always dating was like. It’s just easier, but at the same time harder to make a genuine connection than it ever was. I don’t know…I’m not in the convincing business. I’m in the sorting business. Trying to convince anyone of anything is not a good way to go about doing things. Especially when regarding personal relationships. Deep thoughts by me
  • I was chatting with someone, and totally forgot to eat dinner. Until I went downstairs, and was like I really need to eat something. Turkey jerky it is. I really regretted freezing that lasagna at that moment, that was would have been useful. Oops
  • Most of you are on like day 15+ of this quarantine. I am on Day 6. In the tri-state area, we basically got told today that this is going to last a lot longer than expected. This nation and world we are tough. And we will get through this. Hopefully we’ll learn the lessons
  • This was basically Earth telling us, all of you have been a bunch of greedy assholes for too long. I am putting you ALL in time out. The earth always wins. You know what? It’s working. Fossil fuel emissions are down. Air pollution is down dramatically. For those of you who said we couldn’t cut greenhouse emissions. Well clearly we can. It’s a matter of doing it effectively and strategically.
  • We did this quarantine because if we didn’t the affects would be catastrophic, and if we did the worse thing that could happen is people bond. WHY CAN’T WE APPLY THIS LOGIC TO CLIMATE CHANGE. The data is just, if not more terrifying, than the long-term affects of covid-19
  • Remember that yoga class I took? My abs are a little sore today, but not terrible. I have a feeling tomorrow it will hurt to laugh. In this case, I’ll take a little pain. It means I was doing the exercises right. A little change to the cliché, no pain, no appreciation of the work to achieve progress.
  • I love that people are playing board games, jigsaw puzzles, and everything other family game I played as a kid. It’s awesome.
  • Can we get a collective shoutout to all the first responders, medical personnel (in every industry and category), vet techs, group home workers, grocery store retailers, truckers, manufacturers, etc that are still busting their asses every day. Sometimes jeopardizing their own safety in the process, and in some cases I’m not even referring the virus. There are so many people out there trying to keep this increasingly serious situation from getting worse.
  • To the unsung heroes beyond those listed: the stay at home moms (or dads) and teachers that are improvising on the fly to make this work. You guys all rock my socks off, and I have so much respect for you. I had respect for you long before this, but I’m sure it crystalized respect for teachers for a lot of people
  • I am epically grateful to have soo many socks, and they are almost all mismatched. You are welcome. Life is too short to match socks, fight me. Heather, sorry if that triggered your OCD.

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Quarantine Day 1-3

I have been writing these daily quarantine life on my social media, and it started off as just goofy anecdotes. Several people have commented privately and publicly that they are enjoying them. They describe them as uplifting and funny to read. I figured I would clean them up and put them here. I will do two or three day increments, and hopefully I’ll be able to catch up. This is not my normal style of writing, and is much more off the cuff. It’s been a cartharic way to not only process the day, but also get back into the daily habit of writing. Enjoy!

Quarantine Day 1

  • Waking up without having to go to work was odd, but I adjusted rather quickly
  • I decided to season my cast iron skillets with my help from my cousin and amazing chef Scott
  • What do you mean the oven kept shutting off at 450 degrees? Yup, but where’s there’s a will, there’s a way. I’m quite stubborn, and figured out I have to wait for the oven to cool down to finish seasoning later. I also need to call the gas company apparently, so grateful to have the luxury of time at the moment. You gotta make the best of a challenging situation right? That’s what I keep telling myself.
  • So HIKE TIME! It’s beautiful out with it being sunny and relatively warm in the mid 50s. It’s go time!
  • I am usually Miss Prepared that is what I am known in my circle of friends. My car is basically my swiss army knife. I can fix just about anything with the things that are in it.
  • Except water. I get to the trailhead, and I realize that I forgot water. Epic fail. So I’ll shorten my hike, no biggie. Um, what do you mean I haven’t eaten ANYTHING today except for a few squares of dark chocolate and a handful of almonds hours ago? Oops.
  • Wait, I’ve got apples! I can have those. They have water and carbohydrates right? I’m golden!
  • About two miles in on this beautiful day and hike, my legs revolt. Legs we’ve got to get to two miles! What do you mean you are done? It’s a tiny hill. Oh alright, we will head back. I’ll circle the parking lot to get 2 miles in.
  • I get home, and have an Arbonne protein shake because I’m starving at this point. I start the process of finish seasoning my cast iron dishes. I feel a sense of accomplishment, and better now that the task is done. I also have a glass of wine.
  • I organize my kitchenware around in my limited cabinet space, and a lid shoots down onto my stovetop and careens into my glass of water shattering it all over my stove top. Meh, no biggie. It was a pint glass that I didn’t care for. I vacuum and clean up because I have this thing about glass in my kitchen that I’m kind of picky about. I remind myself to never start reorganizing my tiny cabinet because chaos ensues, and things seem to break. I’m glad it wasn’t my lid that broke, because that would have sucked. Be grateful for the little things.
  • I cook dinner, and it is a stirfry with a ton of veggies, spices, and turkey cutlets. My cast iron skillet is now like Teflon, and it is amazing how well the seasoning worked. I appreciate my cousin even more.
  • I have joined a plank challenge within a FB group I belong to. I am past a minute, which I am quite proud of. I will slay you winter coma of lethargy body into an amazon woman of strength.
  • I am grateful for this time that I will get to spend with myself (it is only day 1, so that might change). I am infinitely more grateful for the doctors, nurses, grocery store associates, and everyone else who was not sent home like I was yesterday. THANK THOSE PEOPLE when you see them. Especially your grocery store workers. Most of them are emotionally fried because people keep coming in expecting miracles or harassing them about stock. They are doing the best they can with what they have. Be patient, but more importantly, be kind and grateful that they are there doing their jobs during this time.

Quarantine day 2

  • I was not nearly as productive as yesterday, and I’m becoming okay with that
  • I made vanilla-chocolate protein pancakes for breakfast that either look like cookies or chicken cutlets, apparently. I am incapable of mastering a breakfast that looks palatable, and that’s okay because it all tastes pretty awesome. I specialize in fancy eggs and amoeba protein pancakes.
  • Chatted with a friend who is also on day 2 of quarantine, and we swear we are both going to lose our minds.
  • The meme going around social media that says either all my chakras will be aligned and shit done around the house or 20 pounds heavier with a drinking problems, I could see why that is now. There is no in between
  • I went to the store. The people where I live seem much more rational than the people near where I work (it’s only about 35 minutes away). There was flour, paper towel, and even toilet paper. There were actually things in the grocery store. I’m still amazed I didn’t get jacked for the paper towel
  • I scored a box of disposable gloves. Mark another thing off on the list of things I’d never be excited to find, let alone be buying, ever.
  • I broke down and bought plantain chips. Chips and gummi things (bears, sour patch kids, jelly beans, etc) don’t last long in my house. They are my kryptonite.
  • Pretty sure I busted another online dating scammer today. It’s kind of fun to do a gotcha test, and see them try to squirm out of it. It’s the little things.
  • I skipped the plank challenge because I did a killer yoga class. I expect my abs and arms to be pissed tomorrow or maybe the day after that. Muscles like to trick you into a false sense of compliancy of “that workout wasn’t so hard”. Then BOOM. Holy abs batman it hurts to laugh. Which is a problem because the memes are so on point.
  • Let’s send out a vibe to all the stay at home mom’s out there and teachers too. They are the real heroes, outside the medical profession and grocery store retailers, who are doing a lot of heavy lifting of their own. It’s a brave new world, and it’s a really challenging position for everyone. But it’s also an enlightening one.
  • Thank the universe tomorrow is going to be nice again, and I can get outside.
  • I will go batshit crazy if I have to stay inside for any length of time.

Quarantine Day 3

  • I was craving hard-core comfort food, which is very rare for me. I decided to make potato lasagna (yes it is as awesome as it sounds). The gas went off THREE times while I was trying to cook it. I was losing my shit, even though I knew it was a possibility. It still turned out great. Did I mention that I’m stubborn?
  • I really wish I had done laundry before this whole thing went down.
  • This was me during spring cleaning, why the fuck do I have so many clothes? Me now, YESSS for me having so many clothes. I can always buy more underwear
  • Another hike! This time I did all the things one is supposed to do when you go hiking. I ate beforehand; I hydrated on the way to the trail head, brought snacks, water, and my hiking backpack! Go me. I completed about 5.5 miles, and it was glorious.
  • Adventures in the woods today included peeing in the woods! Upon said hydrating, by the time I got to the park I really had to pee. Because of the virus, they closed all the restrooms down. I fully support this decision, and also have no trouble peeing in the woods. I go down the trail; I find a tree; I do my business, and I walk back up to the trail. There’s a woman coming down the trail as I am climbing back up, and she has a cute puppy. This woman looks at me like I’m some serial killer that’s going to kill her dog. Because it’s always about the dog. She basically herds the dog away from me, and the dog looks really sad. Poor puppy and poor me. Apparently she’s never seen anyone come up from a trail before, who knows.
  • It was a fairly leisurely trail until the last part. The last part was like a mile uphill, which doesn’t sound like much. Except when you’ve already done over 4 miles, and you are not in the best shape. A mile uphill seems like a huge throw down. You want to see the vista, you’ll have to earn it bitch. Well, I did and it was awesome.
  • In spite of two apples, lots of water, and a jerky stick, I was starving by the time I get off the trail. Thank goodness I have the potato lasagna I can eat once I get home.
  • Bet you were expecting something dramatic. Nope…I ate, I drank, and now I am on the couch.
  • I am grateful for this weather and for this to be happening now when we can all get safely outside. Can you imagine if this was happening in January? THAT would be epically worse. Be smart people.
  • This is the slogan I came up with: stay safe, stay sane, and stay safely connected. Connection in any form matters so much right now. Check in with your friends and family, especially those that single.
  • I am blessed to have a group of friends that have checked up on me, and it has meant and helped so much.
  • Eventually we’ll get to hug again. Kevin, I’m coming for you!

Stop the Stigma

This is an essay about suicidal plans and depression.  I am doing fine now, but I felt  people deserved to hear my story.  If this will trigger you, please do not read.

This is something that is not talked about much, and there is such a stigma around it. I am not writing this for pity or attention. I debated on even publishing it. There have only been three times in my life where I seriously contemplated suicide. The latest was during the summer of 2019, and it was by far the most likely to be carried out. I had severely screwed up my life (and affected several others in the process) through a series of bad decisions, which incidentally occurred very shortly after the “Owning Your Truth part II” essay. The consequences of those decisions could have been much worse, so I was and still am very grateful to have support of my family and those around me since that time. They only knew the consequences. They had no idea the pain I was going through emotionally.

The pain of those decisions and the subsequent consequences really got inside my head. I lost my freedom to an extent, and for those that know me, understand how independent I am. I do not ask for help easily, and I detest relying on others. I spiraled into a deep and profound depression. There were days where I literally didn’t get off my couch, which is quite unlike me. Especially during the summer. This is what nobody talks about with suicide. It is very difficult when the place you want to escape is your own brain. When the pain is so profound and pervasive that you feel powerless to elude its steely grip. It is the constant doubt of your place in this world, and how your disappearance might be a relief to this world. Your pain and shame overtakes everything inside your soul. For me, the feeling of being a failure in many aspects of my life, and my cavernous sense of disappointment made it even worse. My sense of self was that of a parasite, and how I provided no value to anyone. I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. That hurt the worse of all. I have felt what it feels like to positively impact others, and it was amazing. I had let myself become a shadow of the person I once was, and I felt like my presence had become as that of an energy vampire to those around me. It is the very last thing I want to be in my life, and I couldn’t escape the shame of that reality.

run from own brain

I put on a pretty decent front. I went to work, and I did my job well. I focused on surviving. I occasional write gratitude posts on my social media pages, and I strived to continued to do them. Even if the reason seemed minute. It was one of the ways I was attempting to cope with my downward spiral. Except the pain and shame was something I couldn’t seem to escape. The gremlins in my brain were working overtime, and for the first time in ten years, I couldn’t shut them down. The sense that I had fucked up my life to the point that I was irredeemable was persistent and pernicious. It started to become too much to endure, and something had to give.

I started quietly planning out my death. My methodical mind went through the methods of suicide, and the pros and cons to each one. I had never gotten that far before with my suicidal thoughts, and that’s when things started to feel real. I picked a method that would leave a small chance of survival if done correctly, and the combination of the liquor would fry the liver while ensuring I would barely register what was happening. I sent texts to many members of family and close friends saying I love you. Nothing more, nothing less than those three words. I didn’t want to set off suspicion after all. I even made a list of things to give to specific people after my passing. I have a lot of gear and possessions, and wanted to ensure they went to the right people. I have a scientific minded brain, and this is how it works. It figures out solutions to problems in a very systematic way.

inside doesn't deserve it

In my mind, this would solve everyone’s problem. It would end the parasite-like relationship that I had perceived to be on my friends and family. It would end the doubt, shame, pain, sense of failure, unfulfilled potential, and my perpetual disappointment that seemed to be my life. When I reached the depths of my downward spiral, all I felt was shame, pain, and a deep loss of integrity in myself. I felt unworthy of love from those around me, and the love for myself had evaporated some time ago. People say suicide is the cowardly way out, but I disagree.  To the mind of the person experiencing that level of internal, inescapable pain, it feels like the only way out. This is what the rationalizing of my suicide felt like. I felt like I was not only ending my suffering, but also freeing everyone else of the burden that had become my life. I was sure my family would mourn me, but my friend circle is a small one. Beyond that, I figured the affect would be minimal. Life would go on, after all. I have no family of my own, and I don’t even have a pet.

So what changed? The plan did. What I told myself was that if it didn’t work, I’d be committed to an institution and probably mentally crippled in some way from the attempt.  The deeper reasons were multi-faceted. One of my friends from the Garden Elite in college was suspected to have committed suicide by jumping in front of a train. A mutual friend in that group said to me when we heard, “if he committed suicide, I’ll kill him.” That kept going through my mind the day I planned my death. The other was my family, specifically my parents.   It would kill my parents. Hopefully not literally, but it would shred them when they found out. Something one of my friends said to me previously about one of her kids (they are grown and in their 30’s) friends committed suicide. She said she couldn’t imagine the guilt of that parent. I didn’t want that for my parents. They deserved better than that.  They have enough to deal with.

that is pain

In the past month, I have told a couple of people about my mindset over the summer. One of them said, “so what changed?” I answered, “well, once I figured out I wasn’t going to do that plan, I knew I had to come up with another one.” She said something like, “that’s it?” I shrugged and said, “that’s how my mind works. If one solution won’t work, another one must be applied to the problem”. So that’s what I did. It was a battle to choose life over death, and it’s one I almost didn’t win. Glennon Doyle writes in her book Love Warrior about focusing on the next right thing. I implemented certain changes in my life. I started a cardio routine to get myself out of the house and back in shape; went back to yoga; got out of a toxic relationship, and cut down on my drinking. I also took responsibility for my decisions, and told certain people the consequences I faced. The shame of those decisions started to subside once I started to take responsibility for them. Shame thrives in the darkness, but can’t survive the harsh light of day (thank you Brene Brown!). You may have noticed that I started substituting and/or adding shame to the word pain. That is because as I was writing this, I realized the pain I felt over the summer was mostly increased by shame. Shame is a sneaky little bastard, and is the underlying cause of much of our internal struggle. The change in my mindset hasn’t been easy, and it’s still not. It is not like I snapped my fingers, and the gremlins inside my head went away. They are still there, but their presence is muted and limited in influence. Most days my tenacity to be better is greater than the pain of shame and self-doubt. Sometimes the hardest part for me is to remind myself that I am worth loving despite the fuck-ups that have and will happen in my life. With enough right steps, I have won the arduous battle to choose creating a life instead of crafting a death. The next right thing is to continue to accept and love my beautiful, fucked up self until the gremlins are transformed into fireflies of light.

Life in Process

I feel like something has been unleashed. A being that has been dormant for so long. A beast really. A beast awakened. Ready to give battle to the niggle, to mediocrity; to my lack of responsibility and responsibility to my true self. The last one might not make sense. I quite frankly don’t care.

I am ready to begin my journey back to my best self. The one I let go with lack of integrity, and take ownership of responsibility. Maria was right. After the accident it was like my brain and being itself was shaken like a snow globe. It hasn’t settle yet. And that is partially my responsibility. I didn’t know how to get beyond myself. My self doubt, my judgment, my awareness, my bullshit story, and when it comes to down it, pride. My pride has been holding me back. To state publicly that I fucked up. That my integrity has been out of alignment for close to three years. For three years almost I haven’t done what I said I would do.

One of my core values historically has been integrity. I lost that. I lost that like a floating dock in a flood. I let go of my tether, of myself, and ultimately my core circle. All of it was my doing. I have a lot of damage to repair. Some of it might not be repairable, and I respect that. I am letting go of the shame of the past mistakes. Judgment and shame does not provide service to anyone. It focuses on the act, and not the person. I screwed up. I screwed up immensely, in a variety of ways.

The key? The key is to figure out how to apply the lessons from those obstacles to how to improve your life and the life of others. It’s about not taking the shame internal, but bringing to light. Brene Brown (I’m paraphrasing) says, “shame cannot live in the light. It breeds in the darkness of our soul.” I am not perfect. I don’t want to be perfect. Because it doesn’t exist. It by definition can’t exist. If you have carry judgment against yourself, LET IT GO. It is not serving you. I promise you, it is not serving you. If you have judgment against others, let that go too. Both of those are not easy. We expect perfection in this culture. We expect greatness.

goal bullshit story

I have experienced greatness, and I have experienced epic freaking failure. Out of those two experiences, you want to know what unnerved me the most? Was my own expectation of greatness once I achieved a certain level. I had PLENTY of expectation of failure and disappointment. Greatness and achievement? Not so much. I had everything going for me, and I was poised for the next level.

Accept I wasn’t ready. I got to that level in my social marketing business mostly because people said I couldn’t, and I wanted to prove them wrong. Which for me means BRING IT ON. It’s a low vibration reason to achieve something, though. Afterwards, my subconsciously was like “now what?” I didn’t achieve that level of excellence for me. I did it to prove that they were wrong, not that I was right. I also brought on an onslaught of change in a short period of time, and clearly I wasn’t ready for the impact. It was first the breaking the codependency, then it was the car accident, and then it was PTSD and subsequent therapy. All valid reasons, but also things to hide behind; they became excuses delaying my journey to my best self. They were excuses to bring myself down to safe and mediocre. No one is meant for safe and mediocre. They both suck. They are safe and easy. When was the last time anything great happened when you were in a safe and easy space? My guess is none.

day stop self-destruction

Best quote of the night from my friend Chrissy, “we all hope for impact, but we are surprised when it’s long lasting.” This was a free write, and I like it. I figured I’d share, and go with my moment of inspiration and creativity.

Owning Your Truth, Part II

I have been steadily molting into truer versions of myself (for the most part) for the past seven years, and it started with my health and wellness social marketing business. I started on the self-development path because my mentor and coach advised me to, and I being the eager student, followed exactly what she told me to do and read. I consistently and steadily grew in my business and in my personal growth. For me, one of the most important moments of reflection was when people I had known for years, said (verbatim) “who are you, and what have you done with Alexis?” Before I started this often painful path of self-discovery, I couldn’t look anyone in the eye for more than a few seconds, and my head was constantly down when I entered a room. My goal in life until about six years ago was to be invisible in this world due to my perceived lack of self-worth. Breaking the perception of self-worth in my head was both uncomfortably painful, and even more incredibly rewarding and worth it every ounce of uncomfortableness to achieve. I am more “me” than I ever have been. And it’s been a hell of a journey. It’s a journey I choose to be never-ending because that is when one starts dying from the inside out. I know because when I stopped, that is exactly what happened. I was shrinking back into mediocrity because I felt I wasn’t equipped to deal with the issues in my life at the moment.

So as of today this is what my growth game looks like: my business is growing faster in the past three months than in the past two years; I am out and proud baby; I was in a relationship, and I feel comfortable in my own skin. I am actively putting my many talents and gifts back for the world to see and experience. If I am being completely honest, for most of the past two years I haven’t been allowing myself to be that vulnerable with my talents. I shrunk back into being trying to be invisible, but that wasn’t working either because I knew what it was like to be seen. My integrity was incongruous at best. I am purposefully seeking ways to bring my light into the world. I didn’t realize how much I had let it go out until now.

If you have struggled like I have with identity, self-worth; justifying your own bullshit story of mediocrity; validating yourself to your “peers”; trying to hide your emotions because to not do so hurts too much; the fallacy of being perfect (sorry not sorry), or trying to maintain an image that is not true to you- I am giving you permission to let all of it go. For those of you who don’t understand what I am referring to, that is AWESOME. I am both ecstatic for you and jealous. Because I thought needed permission to not be perfect. I thought I needed to wear a certain cape (e.g. persona) in order to belong. I thought I needed to be stoic because that meant being brave, courageous, and impenetrable to hurt. I thought I needed a certain job title and career to be accepted. ALL of it is bullshit if it does not serve you. And none of it serves you.

acceptance invisible

If I am being honest, I didn’t have much of an active personal growth game for almost two years. In my subconscious mind, my issues were too great. I didn’t know where to start, and I honestly didn’t realize how much of an issue it was until I started therapy. I was hiding. Again. And it was a shitty feeling to start to revert back to being invisible. I went back to being meek, apologizing, self-conscious, and my lack of self-confidence was back in full force. It started with a series of small decisions of not to do. My daily routine of gratitude, affirmations, and personal growth books became less routine, and then non-existent. I started listen to more audio trainings, which as a visual learner is not a good move of efficiency. It was a subconscious; “I don’t want to deal with any of these things right now in a deep way. So I’ll do superficial personal growth.”   There is a book called The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson, which is basically about making the decision to do the little things that are easy to do and not do. Both add up to big changes consistently over time. It is up to you whether they are positive or negative big changes. In my case, they were negative.

There were some attributing factors to why these things happened, but I allowed them to dictate my life instead of acknowledging their presence and figuring out what to do about it. Whether you know it or not, everything you do is an active choice. Most of the time the choice is determined by one’s threshold for how uncomfortable their lives become. I actively made a change in my behavior because the life I was living had become really uncomfortable, and that is not meant in the working through my shit kind of growth that will cause your life to get better at the end. This was the kind of uncomfortable where I wondered how the frak I got there, and how to climb out of the fire swamp that had become my life.

I am comfortable doing things today that I never thought I’d be comfortable doing. I have never been comfortable in my own skin, and had rebelled against finding out why until about seven years ago. I have never felt comfortable in my own skin unless it was canoeing or out in nature by myself.   Those were my churches. Those were the two communities I found myself accepted no matter how socially awkward I could be, and in those two communities became my refuge, they were my safe place to recharge and where I felt home. I used to say that I am a fundamentally different person than I was seven years ago. I don’t say that anymore. I say that I am the truest version of myself that I have ever been, and I will continue to evolve into being my best self.

come into your own

I feel comfortable enough to own my sexuality to be proud enough of it to be in a relationship, and believe I am worth of it. And unabashedly shout during Philly’s Pride Parade on behalf of my cousin’s church, “you are queer? We are here!” Did I ever think in my entire life I would feel comfortable marching in a parade at all? No. Let alone shouting for a mile with pride about my sexuality (a vulnerability that I used to hide behind), high fiving, and handing out a hundred stickers without feeling self-conscious at all? To have the courage to bond with complete strangers in a city I don’t know because we are really all there for the same reason? Hell no. But I grew to get there. I grew to be the person I am today. And I will grow to be person I am meant to be tomorrow. The growth doesn’t stop. It just evolves to destroy the next barrier inside yourself so you can become the truest version of you ever.

In my experience, the best and worst part of growth is you find out who your real friends are. Some people might not recognize and accept the new you, and fight against it. They might even try to tear the “new” you down with sometimes seemingly innocuous comments that sometimes hurt beyond measure. It is okay to feel that hurt, but don’t let it linger. I like to think of it like a paper cut. It hurts like a bitch when it happens, but is gone relatively quickly and forgotten. The fault is on them, not you. They are fighting against themselves because they are reminded what they could be, but chose not to fight for. Show them what you fought for. Even better, show yourself what you fought for. That is another thing the past few years have taught me. Proving others wrong is a great short-term motivator. Proving yourself right? That is when the magic happens, and when you start to discount the lies you have told yourself your whole life.

Owning Your Truth, Part I

This is what people don’t tell you about Love and relationships. How unbelievably messy they are. The other thing people don’t tell you about life in general is how messy it is. If you are living life correctly, the messes and barriers to greatness never stop. There is always another layer, another battle to fight, and a demon to conquer. And all of it is hard, but the result is always worth it.

Risk failing

That is me when I was around 2.  Thanks Dad for always capturing the memories 😀

One of my biggest demons is the ability to believe I am worthy of love. The friendship niggle I defeated years ago. I am now on to romantic love, and that is way more complicated to defeat. It is insidious, as most demons are, because they know us so well. The self-talk that one tells yourself is of utmost importance, and I have failed at that for most of life. It took a lot of fantastic mentors (thanks to Maria, in particular), personal growth, and soul-searching to really beat down the naysaying niggle that was constantly in my brain.

When it came to love, and when I finally decided to own my truth of being a lesbian for the world to know; damn did that demon come out to play. Trusting another person with intimidate details of my life, and entering the weird world of online dating. Attempted to be scammed not once, but twice within a month tends to put a damper on your self-talk when it comes to dating. It makes you doubt your choices. It made me doubt whether I would ever find someone that I would let my heart love enough to trust. The scammers were amateurs and never got that far, and I know karma will bite them in the ass.

I have never in my entire life really let someone get all the way to the point where I let myself fully fall in love with another person. Subconsciously it was the scariest thing that I could let happen in my life, to be that vulnerable. To let someone fully in meant that I would have to drop most, if not all, of my many emotional barriers. I wasn’t ready to do that. So I didn’t. I kept any romantic interests at an emotional arms-length.

relationship detective

I thought I had fallen in love once when I was in college, and for that time in my immature life, I was as fully in love as I would let myself be. Which at the time was until it got hard and until it got real (I was about to graduate). We were not right for each other, and quite honestly we lasted far longer than we should have. When I ended it however, I was the definition of a frigid bitch. I was cold; I was calculated; I was mean, and I hated myself for years for how I broke it off with her. It was the right decision, but the wrong execution. I think subconsciously one of the reasons I avoided coming to terms of being a lesbian, and subsequently coming out, for so long was because of the shame I felt over how I handled the break up. I wanted to avoid a similar event at any cost. So I hid behind a wall of sarcasm, casual flings, and non-committal relationships. The desire to cover up this vulnerability flaw in myself was deep. This included hiding my own happiness and being true to myself because my priority to myself was usually the last on the list until the past five years.

The scary love I have found is thousands of miles away fighting a war in Syria for the  US Army. I didn’t expect it; I didn’t want it, and I fought my feelings until I couldn’t anymore.  It is excitedly terrifying for many reasons. I was fighting my own war of unworthiness, vulnerability, and trust. I have been waging those wars for as long as there has been water in the ocean. Sometimes, one has to own your truth. Own your vulnerability. Own your passion for someone else, and put it all on the line. I don’t know how it will work out. What I do know is that I deserve to know where I stand. Sometimes you have to risk failing to truly rise to the your truest self. And it will hurt every time.

UPDATE:  so it turns out this one was scamming me too.  And it hurts, a lot.  This is the universe testing me, I guess.  I am ready for it to not do that so much anymore.  Love is out there,  I know it.  It will be glorious when I find it.

The Root of Belonging, Pt 1

So I have been inconsistently trying to write about belonging for the better part of a year. I had “finished” an essay, and my friend and mentor told me to break into parts because each paragraph was just scratching the surface of the story buried beneath.  I bring you the first part of my story of belonging.

I have struggled with belonging my entire life, and as a consequence, it contributed in undermining my self-confidence into virtually nothing over time. Growing up, there was nothing I wanted more than to belong. Even if it was just a little bit. That didn’t happen. I had a much better relationship with my teachers than students my own age. Kids are cruel, manipulative, and traitorous as we grow into our skin. And it can cut deep, and those cuts can last inflict a lifetime of psychological damage, if we let it. Once we recognize the hurt and identify some the reasons we hide ourselves; it is up to us to alleviate that pain and grow into our best selves. It is no longer our role to be a victim. It is our role and responsibility to be a badass survivor.

two-options

The myth of the society we live in is that vulnerability and emotion are to be avoided at all costs, especially in public. I have adhered to that rule for most of my life, until about five years ago when I started to realize my own self-worth. I am not sure where the idea of being emotional and vulnerable equated to being weak, but that is the point of view I adopted early on in my life. I do not remember any specific conversations, either directly or indirectly, taking place in my house growing up. It could be that I thought with all the added stress of growing up with a special needs sister that my social difficulties at school were of secondary importance in my mind. I do not know. This is what I do know; I used my distain for vulnerability to create an armor around myself, because not doing so made middle and high school indescribably painful. I had been hurt too many times by letting people know me. I wasn’t about to let anyone else penetrate my armor of protection. I would never let myself be vulnerable again. It simply led to being hurt.

For the rest of my middle school and high school life, to say I was withdrawn and introverted, would be an understatement. For the majority of my middle and high school life, I went to school, later work, and I came home. I would hibernate to my room to escape into the world of sports, music, reading, and writing poetry. I had two after-school activities I participated in, one in middle school and one in high school. I was baseball card club, which is just what it sounds like. Yes that was the actual name of the club, and I had started following sports obsessively to fill a void in my life. Baseball card club especially was a refuge to the self-imposed isolation of my life in middle school. I could just truly be me there, because it was a bunch of other displaced kids who loved baseball cards and sports as much as I did. I think many of us were outcasts. It was an escape from the cruelty that can be middle school, and allowed us to bond in a non-judgmental way that eluded many of us. I loved it, and I was truly devastated when I graduated middle school because it was my one tether to other kids who didn’t judge me for being socially awkward and shy.

teenage hero jolie

In high school, I joined an environmental group called Students for the Environment (SFE). It was a club comprised of like-minded students who were environmentally conscious that organized and promoted environmental causes. Until sophomore year of high school, I still felt pretty isolated and awkward in the group. I had a few friends a grade below me join the group, and I almost developed real friendship there for the first time in years. I felt relatively comfortable, and this bizarrely scared me back into my shell, when I became aware of the connection that was occurring. I realized I could get hurt again, and I pulled back my real self. We were still friends, but I hid my real self behind self-deprecation humor and put my vulnerability armor on. This ended up sabotaging the friendship to one of superficial nature. Ironically, the detachment hurt. Except it was my fault this time, and that was the first time that I realized maybe this armor wasn’t as effective as I had constructed it to be. I didn’t understand what had happened to the friendship until many years later. I didn’t understand it was ultimately my fault that my ever-present armor caused the friendship to collapse. That is how apprehensive I was about connection, and vulnerability. I sacrificed my first connection in years due to my fear of rejection, vulnerability, and to let people see and know me for whom I was.

The concept of finding a place and people where I could feel comfortable just being me was elusive until I was in my 30’s.   My beloved Garden Elite being the exception to that rule at Union County College. I owe that group more than I could ever explain because of their immediate acceptance of me. I struggled to find my tribe of belonging, and it hurt until I turned off the emotional intelligence part of my brain. These revelations have taken place over the past few years due to a wonderful therapist, self-reflection, and finally realizing that I am worth knowing all aspects of myself, and others do as well. I became to understand more of why I acted the way I do, and the underlining why. And it was and is not easy.  The proverbial cliche of peeling of an onion is really apropos, and I’ve been digging deep into a lot of issues resulting in a lot of layers being peeled.  None of this is easy, but it is worth it. That is for another essay that is forthcoming.

shall pass kidney stone

I discovered more of the equation of belonging in high school while discussing it with a friend of mine I hadn’t seen in a few years. Every time we see each other, I realize how alike we are in many aspects. It is one of the those rare friendships that deepens over time, and it doesn’t matter how often we see each other. She has also struggled with belonging. We are both smart, definitely high on the nerd scale, had similar childhood backgrounds, and can be socially awkward. We tried clubs, activities, and eventually I gave up in high school except for SFE. I ended up working a lot. She was much braver than I was, and did a variety of after school activities that I am still in awe of. I didn’t know much about this until recently, and our friendship has been evolving in the best way as I become more vulnerable and trusting. It seems the more vulnerable I become; the deeper the friendship goes. Vulnerability and trust go together like thunderstorm and a rainbow. It is sometimes volatile, but a beautiful thing to watch as the light comes shining through illuminating the invisible beauty within. It’s been a hard concept to grasp, and grudgingly accept as truth. Since I have an exceptionally hard time practicing both vulnerability and trust. Both are worth risking in order finding your true belonging, and your true self.

Friendship and Progress

Hello out there in blog land.  I have been away for a long time, and I apologize for that.  I will not make excuses for myself, and just know that I have been writing.  I just wasn’t ready to share a lot of it publicly.  Here is one of many to come.  If you are still out there ready this, I can never express my gratitude to my readers for being there offering supporting.

Every time a friend of mine (and sometimes I considered them close friends) has pretty much made it clear that they no longer wish to be friends, I have let it go. I have not asked why or what I did to cause their alienation. It hasn’t happened in several years where I felt a significant loss. I have learned to choose my friends carefully. I sent a text to a friend of mine about two months ago, saying “hey would love to see you and get catch up.” No response. I briefly ask about her to a mutual acquaintance, and she said a friend of hers is going through a rough time that is probably why. I texted a month ago, and still nothing. I finally got up the courage tonight to be like, “I clearly have done something to offend you, and I would like to know what it is to avoid it in the future. I truly am sorry for anything I have done to hurt you.” This was not an easy text to send. I love this person. But something had clearly changed. As always my scientist brain likes to know why because a) so I can maybe fix it if it’s a misunderstanding; b) avoid doing whatever it was/is in the future.

They responded very courageously themselves, “I don’t know what to say, other than I don’t wish to have a dialogue[…]I wish you the best and will remain kind and cordial.” She could have ignored me. Or blasted me. Did I learn what happened? No. Do I have an inkling of what might have happened? Yes. Do I have closure? Somewhat.

let go of people

People move in and out of our lives. I don’t let a lot of people in to begin with, so when one leaves it creates a hole. And it hurts. Every time. Because I want to know what I did, and that is probably selfish of me. It is also entirely possible that I didn’t really do anything, and the friendship had simply run its course. In this instance though, for the first time probably ever, I have confronted the situation. I didn’t just let the other person go; I deserved confirmation of events. And I got it. Not necessarily the way I wanted it, but I know where I stand. And sometimes that has to be good enough.

I have another friend, someone who knows me better than anyone, and I feel that we are at a crossroads. And that hurts. It wasn’t until tonight that I have begun to understand why we are at a crossroads. I stopped growing and pushing myself. I had identified a lot of some of the deeper issues. I wrote a ridiculous amount in August and September, but all of it scared me. It is one of the only times on my self-development journey that I ran away from confronting the demons within. I don’t know why, maybe because it was all too close to confront. There would be a lot of hurt, pain, and growth involved. I was identifying the bullshit obstacles in my life, and there was a lot to identify. Therefore, a lot to process and change. The demon within said, “haven’t you done enough of that? Don’t you deserve a break from self-reflection?” I unknowingly agreed.

The conclusion I came to tonight after hearing her impassioned plea to be better and courageous? I deserve to step up into so many aspects of my life. Deserve to get back in there. Deserve to be seen again. Because for so long I have been half-seen. I couldn’t go back to not being seen at all. But to trying to lurk and be seen was mainly myself wanting to hide behind a layer of bullshit. And the bullshit layer eventually starts to hurt.

I have tackled a lot of mind bullshit layer before, but this feels profoundly different. This hurts more than almost any other time. I have pushed myself so far into the background that my own friends might not recognize me anymore. My gift. My passion. My code. Has been buried under a maze of bullshit that I am just starting to dig out of the manure and see the root of greatness ready to sprout.

judgment self-destruction

It’s interesting because I thought I was digging through it for months now. And I have, in a way. I am now at the crust of my potential, and I know the pain to go through that will be so intense. I want to shrink back and procrastinate into oblivion Quite frankly, that has not worked out well for me. They say, you experience growth when your pain becomes bigger than your obstacles. Well, I think I am finally there. My heart is racing and I am SCARED about where I am about to go. Because I know it’s big. I just have to keep going upwards, and not let myself get sidetracked by the demon within that pushes procrastination with meaningless drivel.

I have not felt this kind of raw pain in some time. It feels good, somehow. Like I am alive again. I realize that I have been working towards this for about nine months. I have stumbled again and again by own my mind giving me an excuse to procrastinate on the meaningless distraction. I am grateful for this journey. For all this pain. Because it is all part of a plan to show myself that I can prove myself right. That this is the true me. The ugly, messy, and fucked self that is also so grateful to be alive and on this path to greatness.

Where am I going with this? I am declaring to be better every day. I am declaring to getting back to myself and showing people how to build a better life through my example. I am declaring that I will not stop until this pain of disappointment is consumed with gratitude of being an inspiration to thousands. Because I can. I have before. I just got very lost in my own head of doubt and shame, and I just needed a compass of encouragement to get me out. Well, here I am. I am coming, and I am ready to be me. I don’t think I have ever been so scared, except for the last time I found myself. This time I will not run away. I am running towards the demon of shame. Because that is the only way to conquer shame. To shine light on it, and extinguish the flame of self-deceit.

Demon Within

It causes

Inexplicably

Self-
Destructive

Behavior.

Sometimes

Repeatedly,

and
Often.

worst yet,

We

See
what is

Happening

and

Do

Nothing

about

It.

It is

Easier

to

Ignore

the

Demon
within

than to

Conquer

the
Devil

behind
It.

The
ultimate

Culprit

is

Shame.

which

Breeds

in

Fear,

Secrecy,

and Judgment.

The
best

way
to

Duel
the

Demon

Within

is to

bring the
Secret

Out.

Own
your

Story,

own
Your

Imperfections.

this

Painful
Concession

Sets

us

Free.

from the

impossible

Burden
of

Perfection.

which

Destroys

the

best of

Us

when
we

Strive

to Reach
it.

My
Ultimate

Vulnerability

is when
I

Write

for the
World

to

Delve into.

I love
to

Hate
the Process.

Cliché as
it is,

it Sets
me

Free.

it is
my

Art

to

Transcend

my Pain,

Vulnerability,

Epiphanies,

and Emotion

to
Share

Connection

with
a greater

Audience.

That is my

Power

and
one
of
my

Gifts
to

Share

with

Intention

of
Connection.