Belonging, Terror, and Love

I have been pondering the past month about the many things that have changed in my life so much in three years.  Since I was in middle school, I have been searching for and also running from belonging to anything outside my family.  The past couple of years I’ve just expanded my definition of family a bit.

I didn’t belong to anything in middle school or high schooI, beyond an environmental club and to a certain extent my church youth group.  Even that was superficial.  I think everyone to some degree goes through bullying in middle and high school, and it affected me greatly-I know I am not unique in those aspects.  It was typical middle and high school tormenting, and it left deep scars of trust issues.  The groups I thought I belonged to, I really didn’t.  I felt awkward, uncomfortable, and painfully self-conscious most of the time.  So I retreated, and built reinforced concrete walls.

It was simple in mind.  Belonging equaled trust that inevitably lead to hurt, which led to me being terrified of letting myself get close enough to feel worthy of belonging.  It was one more thing to lose, one more heartbreak, and it was just easier to cut myself off emotionally.  It was damned effective.

At my community college was the first time in a very long time I felt I belonged somewhere, and it wasn’t superficial.  I found my beloved Garden Club, the Garden Elite.  I am not sure whether it was because some of them were older that I felt more at ease, or just because they were an exceptionally accepting group that made even an awkward newcomer feel welcome.  For whatever reason, I did feel welcome, and more importantly, I let myself feel that I deserved to be included.  As I am writing this, I am realizing what a defining period it was in my life.  I trusted people a little, and it didn’t hurt.  There was just acceptance, love, and I will forever be grateful to them.  I am still in touch with those people today.

Garden Elite 2002. Left to right: Monica, April, me, Lauren, Dustin

After college was a struggle to belong again, and I was back to feeling like I did in high school.  The scarcity mindset had returned, and I wondered if I would ever feel good enough at anything again.  Fast forward to three years ago.  I found friends, a tremendous group of people, and an organization who’s entire philosophy is to empower people.  I feel a true sense of belonging, love, and appreciation I never thought I would ever receive again, or let myself feel like I could let people in without fear.  I found my group, who is a part of my extended family, and to finally feel like I belong somewhere, and that I am worthy of it, is an indescribable feeling of gratitude.  I have surrounded myself with people who love and accept me for me.

Ego and Quitting

I am not known to quit much of anything.  I am blind, stupid stubborn.  This was true in softball, college, and kayaking.  I take it as a challenge when I can’t do something and work to improve it, and even more so when someone tells me I can’t do it for XX bullshit reason.  I will prove you (or myself) wrong or be damned before I quit.

Rare people who don’t quit. stolen from the interwebs.

I would say the majority of people are not like this.  It’s so much easier to quit; we quit people, hobbies, sports, and jobs.  Why put up the hassle of doing a skill(s) and then possibly failing?  The reason is because if you don’t try, fail, and get your ass back up, you’d never get anywhere.  You also wouldn’t learn anything.  You wouldn’t learn that scrapes and ego heal.  Scrapes are easy, egos are a little bit more delicate.

So why persevere?  There is no greater feeling of achievement and pride than when you fought, learned, and achieved command of a skill you persevered to learn.  NONE.  It feels so good.  When that magical day happens, you have gone through the 4 stages of learning (disclaimer these are mine and my wacky brains’ alone):

1)  try- which leads to 2 options
a) conquer
b)  failure
2)  learn your mistakes
3)  practice your form
4)  Skill

The last step is worth all the aggravation of the other three.