The Shift

Every
Life
Shift

is a
Call

for a

Mental
Reset.

a
Sign of
personal
Progress

Towards
being
the
Best

You.

You’ve
got to
Build

towards
the

Shift.

this isn’t
Magic,
it’s
Work.

My life
and
Mind
has been
Preparing
me

for This

Shift
Moment.

It is a
Break.

signifying
Rebirth
from the
Ashes
of

Poverty.

of
Spirit
and
Mind.

It is
Time
to

Break
the

Cycle of

Doubt.

to
Severe
Limiting
Ties

And
live a
Brave
new
Life
of
Expectation

and
Decided
Determination.

Life and Love

I figured out what love is.  It’s taken me 36 years to figure it out, and I’m not letting it go.  It is loving yourself enough to own your identity, and it is the scariest thing I have ever done.  The handful who know me really well and who I’ve confided in know what I am talking about.

personal style

I’ve hidden myself in one form of another since I was around 10.  It was first because being weird in middle and high school is quite honestly just plain brutal, as some people know.  It was much easier to be quiet and meek than smart and bold.  In college, I found myself and surrounded myself with like-minded weird people of the best variety.  It was rare when I was unapologetically me, though.

white party pic

These are some of my favorite people on the planet.  Who helped show me that I was enough.

I reached a point last year where I was on top of the world, so to speak.  There was something missing that I couldn’t quite identify.  I finally figured it out and told my best friend.  She said literally, “thank God.”  It’s the final piece of accepting me.  The final piece of accepting who I am, and loving myself for everything that is me.  It is scary and amazing.  I am ready to do this.  To own myself, and more importantly to love myself on an entirely new level of acceptance.  This is not the forum to announce such things.  If you’ve read through the lines, great.   Just know that I am ready, I am coming, and most importantly, I AM ME.  If you don’t like it, I honestly pity you.  Acceptance is a human trait, and also the cause of the worst travesties of human history have occurred when not allowed.

The Break

Breaks
are

Painful

Necessary

and often

Severe.

this was
No
Different.

The severity of
it
cuts like

a Dull
Knife

lined with
tiny

Shards of

glass.

Each
cut

draws
into the
jagged
Edge into

Flesh

leaving a
Scar

and a
Tale.

the
Tale

however,
is

One of

Rebirth

Opportunity

and
the

Knowledge
that

You
Begin

Anew.

and
at

Peace

with the

Sorrow.

of the
Moment.

2016 Year in Review-it was interesting

2016 was a rollercoaster of the highest highs, and the one of the oddest periods of my adult life. I experienced the amazing achievement of Area Manager in my Arbonne business, and it is a day that I will never, ever forget. The reason for that is because of the sheer inspiration it created in other people. There will be people who become nation before I do because of my journey, and I’m completely okay with that.   I also experienced one of the most profound and amazing experiences I have ever had at the area manager retreat. My face hurt from smiling so much, and I was inspired but also aimless. I understand it doesn’t make sense. It didn’t to me, either.

reflect-and-learn-fave

The Transition
August saw me move into my own place, and that’s where the weirdness started. I was inspired, in activity, but going nowhere. I didn’t believe it. I finally was growing to be an adult, and the comfy backup living plan I had was gone. I fought in my head to figure out why I was struggling so much with this. This should be the pinnacle of my year. The catalyst to growing into my greatness, but it wasn’t. I am growing into that role on a daily basis, but it took some time.

The codependency relationship I had, which I have written about a few times was the culprit. When you are in a codependent relationship of any kind and you get out of it, you start to realize how fucked up your life was. If not, then at least unhealthy.

It is only within the last couple of weeks where I have started to feel like myself again. I am in activity, but it is not only inspired but intentional. Everything in my life has come down to self-worth. I honestly think most people’s issues come down to that issue if you really break it down.

not-what-i-happened

The Break

The codependency break quite frankly sucks, especially when you don’t see it coming. I had no warning; I just expected to keep rocking it. The universe had other plans. The punch you in the face truth from two sides that came to a glaring forefront of change and challenge. It made me face the reality of myself and of my family dynamic. It forced me to realize that I’ve got to get growing to not only be the leaders I know myself to be, but also to lead my family in ways I never wanted to but became necessary.

The Future

The future is always messy. You just have to choose which mess to wade through. Regret or awesomeness are your main choices. Either way, you are going to have to go through your own shit, so it might as well be as short as possible. It will suck. It will be painful. But the pain is short-term, in comparison to the life long pain of what ifs.

Fear of Success and Codependence

 Codependence

I have steadily been moving towards independence, and took a big step towards it by finally moving into my own place. It is exhilarating, scary, and necessary. My whole life I have been enabled and codependent, mostly without me knowing it.   This has lead to some unhealthy and self-destructive habits that I have been slowly working my through to be the best version of myself. I have written about the personal growth aspect of the journey repeatedly.

The Battle

I have never shied away from it. The necessary pain of personal growth until recently. I didn’t know why until yesterday. The last vestiges of codependence are attempting to adhere a strangle hold on my road to greatness, and they are powerful, deeply entrenched, and are not going away without a fight. It is possibly my hardest personal growth battle to date. My will, grit, and determination are even greater.

decisions regret

I don’t think I have ever been more scared to continue on my path to greatness, to success. I will beat this. I will conquer the doubt, frustration, and little nagging voice that says “no you can’t”. I have to. It is past that, I deserve to.

It is bigger than me. It always has been. It is just more real now that it ever has been. The fear of success, and the lingering doubt has been crippling as of late. What if I am not good enough, what if I am not the leader everyone expects me to be, what if blah blah.

Belief

It’s all bullshit, of course. Some of the biggest leaders in Arbonne believe in me, and it’s been a long time since I have felt this uncertain about myself. This is how I know I am close to a breakthrough. The closer one gets to the breakthrough, the more the universe challenges you to see how much you want it. I deserve to get out of my own head not for the last time, but certainly one of the most important to date. I am at the critical junction where my fear of being noticed and success have come to a head. This is my pinnacle moment where I can aspire and reach greatness, or I can shirk into the background. The latter is not really an option. It would be so much easier, but I am never one to take the easy way out. Bring on the pain, I’ve got this. Finally. Yes, I realize I have said this numerous times. And every time it has been true in different aspects of my life’s journey.

Because of Us

Based on the title, this blog entry may not be what you think it’s about. I had a few  conversations about different topics with one of my mentors today, and at one point she stopped and looked at me. She said, “are you okay?” I paused a moment, and said, “yes.  I was just thinking about how different my life is then it was four years ago”.  I looked at her and said, “it’s mostly because of you.”

white party pic

She responded, “well, it’s all because of you, actually.” I retorted, “yes, I did the personal growth work. However, it wouldn’t have happened without you.”  She responded, “it’s because of us, then.”

Relationships are complicated, regardless of what form. Whether it be platonic or romantic, mentor or friend, or personal versus professional. Let me clarify that statement: meaningful relationships are complicated. There are two forms of relationships: the real, genuine do anything for you kind or the convenient kind. Sadly, most of the relationships I have had prior to the past four years have mostly been the latter.  I think that is true for most people.  It is just easier and safer that way.

Mediocre vs Rocking It

Relationships exist for a number of different reasons. Number one reason is to challenge us to be better than we are. Often times, people do not want to do the work to be better than they are. They would much rather be mediocre than rocking it. Quite frankly, rocking it often takes a lot of painful growth, so why not stay mediocre and content? Comfort zone, safety, and mediocrity are where most people live, and that is okay.  Human beings were not created to live a mediocre life, so what if you want something more?

The Change

A good, meaningful relationship, however, will ALWAYS push you to the next level. It involves tough, sometimes hard conversations that neither person wants to have. It involves growing towards your next obstacle instead of away from it. Most importantly, it involves asking the right questions, figuring out solutions, and applying those solutions to life. You cannot apply change to your life without application and action. It just doesn’t work. I am a byproduct of the work on both my business and myself. I take ownership of both. Which type of relationships are you in currently? Take inventory of your life and figure out who challenges you and who placates you. The placators are not doing you any favors, and are in actuality bringing you down.

Be in a relationship type where there are “because of us” moments and growth pattern.  It truly changes everything, and as with anything worthwhile, it starts and ends with you.

Moments

Have you ever have one of those moments where you realize you are the not the person you perceive yourself to be?  Or at the very least, the person people used to know.

know me last year

 

I was at dinner with friends of my parents, one of them my English professor at community college, we all had dinner together.  They really didn’t say anything, and they didn’t really have to.  I felt it, as odd as that sounds.  They noticed and felt something different.

I have taken control of my life; more than that, I have taken responsibility for it.  I am done letting my circumstances control me.  I am done letting my living situation control different aspects of my life.  I am done thinking that people owe me something just because of whatever reason.

This is my life.  I have fought, grown, persevered, and built a life that I am proud of.   I am building a life I can not only survive, but thrive, on my own.

I cannot control if others are proud of me.  I can’t, and I didn’t even realize I was trying to until about a two weeks ago.  I am proud of myself, of my decision to be responsible, and to let go by an invisible rope of financial means.

I AM DONE. Proving myself to others that don’t understand me, my motivations, and my life choices.

This year has been one of growing, building, destroying internal walls, and severe personal, emotional pain.  All of that equal THIS realization.

This moment of “I don’t give a frak what happens”.  It’s a choice, it’s amazing, it’s gold, and it’s coming.  And it’s worth it.

And, you know what?  It IS about me.  Just a little.  Because you have to believe you are worth the life of millionaires to get there.  You have to believe you are worth inspiring and leading thousands of lives.  If you don’t believe you intrinsically are worth all of those things, rethink.

This is from a recovering sarcastic, invisible person, who didn’t believe I was worthy of much at all-you need to believe that you are.  Surprisingly, people pay attention.

If I can work through an immense amount of self-doubt, pain, and personal growth, trust me you can too.  (Find a mentor).

Why?  Because YOU, yes you, are worth it.  Maintain a giving, selfless heart if that is your nature, but understand that you are worth everything that want and for others.

Revelations

I have had a number of revelations in the past couple of months.  Some very significant, some small, but all meaningful.

Tonight was a big one.  We were talking about goals, and where we see ourselves in our the future.  I said, “I never really thought it was about me.  But now I get it kind of needs to be about me.”  Zac, “well, that was pretty transparent [about the not caring about myself in this business].”

What it feels like to be out of your comfort zone. Stolen from the interwebs.

I have gotten to the point where I believe it is okay to want something amazing for myself.  I have always thought that was okay for other people.

You know what though?  I can move hills by helping other people achieve success and just overall helping.  I can move MOUNTAINS by helping and believing that by helping others achieve, I also achieve the success I deserve.

This is free thought, and may be not sensical.  I have always helped others, it’s just my way.  Now though, I realize the BIG FREAKING PICTURE.  By helping myself achieve self-worth, belief, and success, and believe that I deserve all those things; I CAN HELP OTHERS do so.

My mind is blown right now.  Help myself believe in greatness in myself, WHILE helping and empowering others do so.  That sounds like a win-win in my book.

Buckle up guys.  This party is just getting started.

 

Untitled – 10/6/15

Untitled

The
memory
as
vivid
as
a
movie.

I was
completely
Broken.

The Girls
behind me
were
bashing
my seat
with their
Knees.

They asked
Did
I Care?

I said,
blankly,
No.  I
don’t.

It
Didn’t.
Nothing
Did.

It was
the
Start
of the
Wall.

The
Start
of
Isolation.

The
Beginning
of so
many
Destructive,
Protective

habits.

and
they
All
Worked.

until
they
Didn’t.

Isolation,
poverty,
Walls
can
only
last
so
Long.

Before
I
Craved
something
Better.

Connection.

and
Life.

Home

I
thought
I knew
what
Home
was.

I
didn’t.

Home
is the
Place
you
can be
You.

Without
judgement,
dismissal,
pettiness

of their
hope
lost.

the
Pedestal
has
been
Demolished
with the
Realization
of this
Heartbreak.

I am
Better
than
that.

I have
Found
my
Home.

In the
most
Unexpected
Place.

It’s
Time
to
break
the
habit,
the
twisted
seal of
Approval

always
Just
out of
Reach.

It’s time
to
come
Home.