Forgiveness
is a
tricky
thing,
Especially
if it is
for
yourself.
Guilt
is
fear
wrapped up
in
emotion.
I wasn’t
ready
for
what
you
wanted.
I should
have
been
more
Open
But
I
Just
couldn’t.
Until
it
became
too
Real
to
Ignore.
I
Broke
your
Heart,
cruelly.
With
no
Explanation
I’ve
been
carrying
that
Guilt
in
my
Soul
like
an
emotional
Lynchpin.
It’s
time
to
remove
it
and
Live
and
maybe
even
Love.
The last two weeks, I have sat in front of the ocean at numerous times. Many at night, and a few during the day. I have realized how peaceful I am while at the ocean. I wrote a poem about 2 weeks ago. How the tide seems to ebb my pain away. It is still there, and it will be there for quite some time. The ocean is especially emblematic for how nature seems to center me. It brings me back to a specific time and place of riding the waves to shore with my nana, or the boardwalk where we watched fireworks.
However, it doesn’t need to be that symbolic. It can just be soothing. I was at a park watching the river, and I felt something. Nana had never been there with me, but the creek reflected her essence. It had her shine, her bright smile. And it made me smile because of it. Things don’t have to be concrete to be real. Given my background, I have some trouble with that statement. If you believe it to be real, then it is. The difference has to be how you reflect on that experience and make it real to the world.
It is there how you truly bring your memory into the world as a living, breathing thing to share with others.
On a completely different note. This blog has been an amazing experience in so many different ways. I get to share a personal part of myself (something I am NOT good at) with others I never would have met before, and you get to experience what I write as you want to. I also get to share my passion for nature, gratitude, my business, and my family in a way I never would have thought possible. This has been another life changing journey for me this year, and it’s JUST begun. Thank you to all of you who have subscribed so far, I feel honored. I hope you are enjoying this as much as I am.
My life is enormously different than it was two years ago. The reason? Personal growth. I have read so many personal growth books in that time, I could start a section at Barnes and Noble. All of those books I thought were a bunch of new-age, feel-good b.s. (complete with me rolling my eyes at such things). But, I was WRONG. They have changed my life fundamentally.
Stolen from Facebook. I don’t know who, but I love it.
I am a scientist. That is my background, and essentially my faith. I love puzzles, I love questions, and I love figuring out how those two things intertwine.
When it comes to personal, emotional stuff though? I was not so much about that. I like cause and effect, clear and simple. Human emotion is not about cause and effect. It’s about experience and learning. It’s about applying often the b.s. you’ve been through throughout your lifetime, and figuring out how to get past it to live a better life.
Does this sound familiar? I have LIVED this life. The life of hiding, oppressing, and down-right scared life. Everyone’s life is different. I certainly do not know your experiences, but I do know mine. And I think being scared to be someone else, scared to live someone else’s story that you think should be yours, and scared to possibly grow out of that story is real for a lot of people. It was for me.
Fast-forward to now. I am happier than I have EVER been. It was due to discipline, personal growth, and reliance on people close to me. The last one was a big step for me. The other two were easy. Relying on other people, was not. But it was perhaps the single biggest force in my metamorphosis into being a happy, content person. Trust others; however hard it may be.
BE YOU. Even when it is the scariest thing you might ever do.
AKponderings 