Grief Journey

I was inspired to write this by a friend of mine’s hashtag Grief Journey.

Grief is
Never

Neat
and

Tidy.

in
some
Ways

Depending
on the

Connection

it might
Linger

for

Years.

it can
Lessen

as we

Heal,

but the

Memories
of

Time

Lost

is a

Consistent

Burden.

Feeling
as

though

We are

Suspended

in

Time.

As the
Pain

lessens

the
Guilt

sets in.

How
could
we

Forget?

it’s a
Cycle,

and it
Sucks.

but it

Sucks

beautifully.

our

Memories

Turn from

Pain
and

Heartache

to
one of

happy
Reflection

of a

Commonality

still

Shared.

Pain and Acceptance of the Rainbow Bridge

The decision was made to put my dog down last Saturday, and we all knew it was coming.  He had a fantastic, long life, but it doesn’t prepare you for the pain of losing a pet.  I asked why it was called the Rainbow Bridge, and several people linked me to the story.  I didn’t find any solace in it at all, and in fact just the opposite.  So below is my version of the Rainbow Bridge. Farewell my baby boy, I hope you catch all the squirrels. xoxo

My mom with Doonie

Pain and Acceptance of the Rainbow Bridge (c) A. Krukovsky 2018

There’s a

Void,
a Hole,
a Gap

in my
Soul

which
Cannot be
filled

with logic
or reason.

It sometimes doesn’t
Feel
real,
then it can be so

Painfully Real that
I can’t
Breathe.

I know You have
Gone,
and that is was
your Time.

it might be terrible, but
I don’t take
much
Solace in that
fact.

there is still only
Pain and
Loss.

You were always there to
Comfort,
Soothe, and
Snuggle

whenever we
Needed you to.

and now it’s an

Empty Blanket,

left vacant and cold.

I can’t come to Peace with that,
even Days later.

May we find each other in
another life,
at another time,
where there will only be

Beauty,
Snuggles,
Kisses, and
Frolicking to be had.

None of this Pain that
Haunts me.

I know the grief will get better, but
It hasn’t Yet.

Despite all this Grief,
I do take Comfort
in Knowing
there is

Beauty and
Purpose

in all things.

Even in grief and loss.

May we meet again
in this life or another,

Until then
I will Cherish
the memories of the

Snuggles and
Love

We had for
Each
other.

 

Little and Big Things

There is not much that makes me cry or even tear.  There are a few things that do:  highly emotional events, friends and family support, and nature connection.

I experienced a highly emotional family event in February-my Nana died at 96 years young.  I say young because she was the initial badass, and she remains an inspiration to me this day.  Those that know me, know that I will do anything for my family and friends.

I am going to fast forward to six months ago.  There have been a number of people on my personal growth journey that have been instrumental, and they know who they are.  When my Nana died, of course my blood family came together, but two other families gave me supported that I would not have thought fathomable about a year before.  My Arbonne family and my paddling family, and they were some of the first to reach out to me.  Reading my facebook entries and the condolescenes made this entry crystallize.  This entry has actually strayed far from my original inspiration, and it doesn’t matter.  This is why I write to let stuff out and process.

I lost my way.  I lost sight of the goal.  I even lost my belief that I could do it for a brief period of time.

My 96-year old Nana receiving a mud mask last summer. Thank you Arbonne for giving me the time with her.

Everyone gets in those periods.  And most people need a kick in the ass to get them out of it.

I had just such a kick, except it was mostly a kick from myself (yes, I had help).  I re-read a lot of my entries from February and March just now, and said “what the fuck are you doing right now!?  Get your ass in gear, and make Nana proud.”

Except unlike February and March, I realized it’s about making MYSELF proud.  She was already proud of me.  Now, it’s about changing and getting out of my own damn way.