Self-Esteem and Hope

I have struggled with self-esteem for most of my life, and didn’t really realize it was an issue until about three years ago.  There are people in your life that will make you feel small.  It is often a reflection of themselves, and it has very little to do with you. They can be relentless with it at times, and hopefully, they don’t realize the damage they are doing throughout the years. The damage is there regardless of the intent, but you have to let go of it and realize they were doing the best they could with what they had.  The remedy?  Surround yourself with positive, like-minded, people who repel negativity and bring out the best in you.  Surround yourself with success.  You are the sum total of the five people you spend the most time with, and that is a fact.

Part of my paddling family down taken in the New Jersey Pine Barrens.

Their struggle will become your struggle, if you let it.  Their need to make you feel less will resurface at times of struggle, stress, and/ or bad mood. When that happens, it is important to separate yourself from the situation, preferably physically, but if not at least mentally.  It is best to keep their energy separate from theirs, and don’t let them “infect” you with their negativity.  I ask the universe to separate my energy from theirs, and wish them the best, but their energy can no longer harm me.  I know how this reads, but it works. I’ve done it, at first skeptically, and then with conviction. This is where the science portion is revealed because when you actually feel their energy leaving your body and your soul, you will literally feel lighter and your mood will improve.

Surprisingly often, the culprit to make yourself feel small is YOU.  This is especially true if you’ve dealt with self-esteem and confidence issues for a long period of time.  This is where my friend says, “the devil is trying to keep you small.”  Don’t Let that Happen.  You deserve better than to be small.  Everyone in this world was born to achieve greatness, and often times that greatness gets beaten down to the size of a fingernail by the time we reach 18.  It’s just the way human beings seem to roll.  We get told enough times that we can’t do something, or it’s unrealistic, and we start to believe it.

It’s a mindset, a belief, and a way of life to believe in yourself.  It takes practice and discipline to keep those demons banished.  If the devil wins, which may happen on occasion, PROVE IT WRONG.  Get your ass up, do what you intended to do, and don’t let yourself stay small again.  Pardon the cliché, it may have won the battle, but make sure you Win the war.  The war is on your own mind, and on the relationships around you that are toxic.  Be bigger than the devil, be bigger than your demons, and be the evidence for yourself. Once you believe that you CAN be all those things you thought you couldn’t be or do, magic starts to happen in every aspect of your life.

Once you realize you deserve greatness, to be your own person, to be happy, and to succeed in life, you will have beaten the devil.  It may come knocking, but once equipped, your job is to beat its ass down and say, “sorry, you have been evicted.”

Vices and Victory!

There have been in the past very few times where I feel completely relaxed.  It is generally been paddling, in the outdoors, or when I’ve been slightly buzzed.  I emphasize slightly because I did not drink to get drunk…think what you will about this.  I drank to get comfortable in social situations, this was especially true when I was with people I didn’t know very well.  Yes, I am pretty much putting it all out there for the general public.  I think it will help people, and yes, I am really uncomfortable with it.  Also not sure if I should do it.   That is always a good sign.

Stolen from the interwebs. I always reflect more when out in nature…just this pic.

There are times where we do things that we don’t really consider because they make us feel better.  There are always things that make us act in certain ways and do things that aren’t necessarily in our character because we are trying to compensate for something in our lives that is lacking.  It was subconscious for me.  I did it to hide myself from others.  Something I have been  trying very hard to break myself from.  The deceit (mostly of myself), the hiding, and the shame that I felt for myself.  I didn’t want others to see ANY part of that vulnerability.  It’s about letting people see who you REALLY are.  It is an all-consuming fear of mine-to be known.  That for some reason unknown to me, I have made quite public on this blog.

I used to drink to relax, to belong to something bigger than myself, and to distance myself from that part of me that  felt “outside” acceptance from others.

I no longer feel the need to do that. I feel comfortable in my own skin.  I accept, usually, who I am.  I danced my little heart out a month ago in front of some very important people to me, and it didn’t matter what they thought of my dancing.  I just danced.  I let them in, just a little.

Accepting yourself is the best gift you can give yourself.  It took me a long to find that in myself.  I feel at peace more than I ever thought possible.

Goals and Disappointment

When a person sets a goal (big or small), and fails to meet it by their deadline, how do they react?  It depends on their perspective.  I missed a big goal last month.  Was I slightly disappointed?  Yes.  Has it crippled me?  No.  I am still determined to get it done.  I was actually filled with so much gratitude because so many of my team members achieved their goals, and the energy that was created will continue into this month to fuel everyone’s business.

Be unstoppable in spite of fears and doubts. Taken from the interwebs. Unsure of where.

I did not change the goal to fit the deadline.  I played full out until the end.  When you bring it until the end, even if you didn’t make the goal, you feel like you’ve won.  You have momentum that continues to build, and that is an AMAZING feeling.

If you stop before the deadline though, and then give up on achieving it at all?  The pain of regret is worse than the pain of failure, and can stop you in your tracks.  We’ve all been there, knowing that we could have done something more.  However, dwelling on the past and beating yourself up about it does not serve anyone.  Move on and decide to do it better.

Vision and the “New” Reality

I was sending a text to a friend tonight who needed some encouragement.  And all of a sudden I could SEE my path like it was a reality.  And it IS a reality, which is the key to my whole being right now.  I can see myself at the center of the most positive, enlightened people on the planet, and giving them the gift to change their future.  I see myself sponsoring an Olympic C-1 paddler to get their dream of representing their country.  I see myself helping EVERY kid who wants to get on the water (paddling, whatever) when they do not have the opportunity to do so.  I see myself helping hundreds of people learn how to paddle and learn their sense of confidence.

You are allowed to be human.

I feel calm, almost at peace.  Except at the same time my soul is humming with certainty and purpose.  For the first time ever, I have a very clear vision of what is to come.  I have had a series of epiphanies the last few months, and they have all lead to THIS moment in time.  It has never been this clear, and never with this kind of inspired action.

The best part of my above vision?  I get to that level of achievement that by helping other people get what they want.  For those that know me, it is an innate part of my personality.   I crave it like people crave chocolate.

The weirdest part of tonight was I did not consciously make a decision.  My mind and soul decided for me.  All of a sudden at 9:00 this evening, the timer went “Pop” and it was like an explosion.  And right now, it’s like an all-consuming fire running through my veins to cleanse myself and I really want to run like 10 miles.

I feel epically, utterly different than I ever have before.  Different than last month by ten-fold.  I feel it with a certainty that is unlike any other I have felt before.  This is my life, and I am owning it starting TODAY.