Compartmentalize

I have
been
Compartmentalizing
my

Entire
life.

It’s
how
I’ve
lived

this

Long.

Until
now.

I

Hate

that I

Can’t.

not a
word
I use

Lightly.

I Hate

having
uncontrolled
Emotions.

I’m a

Problem
solver,

especially for

Others.

My own?

I’m not used
to
dealing
with

Emotion

on such
an

Unbridled

Visceral
level.

I am

Accustomed
to

my

Emotions

being like a

Switch

that
I

can

Control

with a
Flick.

On and
Off.

most of the
time

my
Emotion
is still

My

Switch.

Occasionally

it

becomes
like a

Renegade

Bomb

of

Precision.

like a

Lightning
bolt

Through
my

Soul.

just as

Quick,

Deadly,
and

Precise.

Leaving no

Mark.

only

Confusion.

of

my
Life.

 

Advertisements

What’s Your Superpower?

I went to see a speaker tonight named Cornell Thomas, and I had a number of takeaways. The biggest one for me was when started asking my friend about her superpower. Everyone has a superpower that is unique to them, and it’s our life purpose to figure out what that is and to serve the world. His analogy (Cornell’s) was when you don’t use your superpower, it would be like Superman walking to rescue a puppy instead of flying.

Stolen from the interwebs

So what is your superpower? Mine is listening to others, assessing a problem, and applying a solution in a logical and analytical matter. I have known that I was a good listener for quite awhile, and I’ve become aware of my ability to solve other people’s problems. It is something I use quite often at work, with friends, etc. I realized tonight that I could be using it so much more effectively and more powerfully.

Why are we so afraid to identify and use it? It is all about fear, doubt, sense of deserving to be of service (self-deserving), and self-belief. Fear that they think the solution won’t work, and doubt that they will not believe me or that it is possible.   Self-deserving and self-belief are the biggest culprits in holding myself back in most aspects of my life. The self-deserving part is where I deserve to share this gift with people, even if they reject it. The self-belief is my realization that I can change thousands of people’s lives by utilizing my superpower in combination with my story. Not only do I deserve to believe that I will change and impact the world in a real meaningful way by unleashing my superpower, but the rest of the world deserves it as well. I not only have a responsibility to that, but I have an obligation to leave this world better than I came into being.  It’s utterly terrifying, and at the same time, it is one of the most freeing moments I have had.  This is my purpose, this is my life, and it is mine to give.

Full Moon and Refocus

Since the Arbonne area retreat in Albany I had been doing inspired action to achieve my goal, which is a big goal. However, I knew something was missing. I just couldn’t figure out what it was. I was so focused on what I needed to do to achieve the goal that at some point in the last few days I lost the reason behind the goal.

It's a bracelet given to me by Debbie Carroll Neal.

Tonight is the Capricorn full moon, which is apparently very powerful. I am looking at it, and connecting with it. I am focusing on the power of the moon, and seeing what needs to change in my life. And not just in Arbonne, but in all aspects of my life. Most importantly, I deserve to let go of the outcome. Once I let go of the outcome, the pressure was off my psyche. There is a weight off my mind tonight. I am making a mental list of things that deserve-not need- to be changed in order for my life, my destiny, and my goals to be fulfilled.  Verbiage is another one. The word Need is one of the lowest forms of expression, and carries with it a low vibration. I am switching it to Deserve.

I feel grounded again, but inspired to touch as many lives as possible. The focus and intention has returned instead of the activity being similar to unorganized chaos. Activity without intention is like paddling with half a paddle. You may get where you are going, but it’s going to take a long time. Intention is key to obtaining any goal.

Sometimes we are so focused on the goal, we lose sight of the WHY behind the Goal. In the process, I lost the inspired action, and couldn’t figure out the disconnect between the action and the goal. It became slightly overwhelming, and without me realizing it.

I have unknowingly repeated this behavior for some time now, and never made the connection of why. Everyone has the habit of getting in their own way, and I’ve gotten really good at recognizing the signs of when I am doing that. The devil however is very adaptive, and when those old ways of hindering you stop working, it gets creative.

Chasing a dream is exhausting, which is what I have been doing for months now. However, reliving, immersing yourself in it, and envisioning your dream life on a daily basis are not only necessary to achieving the dream, but it’s reinvigorating.  I am enrolling not just active affirmations, but active, present vision into my daily life. BOOM.

Buried

The
amount
of
pain
in
discovery,
healing
is
related
to
how
deeply
buried
the
Pain
is.

 

It is
Raw,
Visceral.
the
Pain
and
Power
are as
Real
as
any
Break.

It’s
easy
to
Bury
it,
let it
Be.

the
memory
of the
Pain
stays
Hidden.

It’s still
there,

Lurking
in your
subconscious.

Like
a
slow,
suffocating
Cancer
of
your
Spirit.

be
Brave

Reach
into
the
Abyss
of your
soul,
Pull
out
your
Pain.

Expose
it
to
Light,
air,
and
Watch
it
Ignite

into a
Fiery
Whisper
of
Ashes.

Your
Burden
of
Memory,
Pain,
Regret
is

Gone.

Like
ashes
in
the
wind.

Pinnacle Moments

This is my life.  I have chosen it, pursued it, tasted it, lost myself and it briefly on my way journey to this moment.  A series of life-defining moments have led to this Bold Act of Vulnerability that was unparalleled in my lifetime.  I sang karaoke it was the song, “Invisible” by Hunter Hayes.

Brene Brown wisdom

I had written about a series of shifts a few weeks ago, but it wasn’t enough for my psyche.  Which is rare for me.  Writing is usually enough of an outlet for me, along with nature.  However, a combination of lack of outside time, stress, and little sleep led me to this moment of badass bravery.

It was cathartic, it was bold, and it was terrifying.  I could feel my heart racing not at the beginning, but about halfway through because that is when I realized what I was doing.  I let out a lifetime of pain, anger, sadness, betrayal, and shame, and let it leave my soul.  Which is what I do with my writing, essentially.  Except this time, I let other people see and hear my emotion in my voice in a way that was as a friend of mine put it “the bravest thing you’ve ever done.”

My mind is blown by this revelation, and I suddenly understand the power of music.  I have always loved music, and know I understand why it touches my soul so much.  It’s the vulnerability of the words, the performance, emotion, and letting people see that aspect of you.  I did not care what others thought of me in that moment, and I went with it.  It was one of the most inspiring, magical, pinnacle moments in my lifetime.  Even better was my friends were there to experience it with me, and embrace me once I got off the stage.

 

 

Uninvisible

I’ve
led
my
life
Making
myself
be
Invisible.

Letting
others
take
Credit,
while
I was
in the
Shadows.

it was to
Fit in,
to Belong

Because
even the
Illusion of
Belonging
was better
than no semblance
at all.

It was
an
Empty
hope

I kept
myself
small,
Hidden

to
Everyone.

Until

The
Painful
Self-discovery
of
My
Own

Worthiness.

Proved
me
Wrong.

I am
not
Perfect.

I am
still
Worth
Knowing.

I
AM
Not
Be
Invisible.

I
Am
a
Force.

I
am
Enough.

Just as
I
Am.

Belief and Success

The image below hit me as I was reading it.

Definition of Success

Definition of Success

My definition of success is loving yourself, believing in yourself, and taking actions to get yourself to your passion and purpose.  I never thought I would find such a raw source of beauty, happiness, and purpose inside myself.  I have often relied on others for acceptance, guidance, and love.  This was in absence of any or all of those in myself.  I persevered, I learned, I dealt, and I hid from everyone my true self.  One of my close friends once said to me, “I’ve known you for years, I think I’ve barely scratched the surface of who you are.”  I took it as a compliment.

There is a relentless doubt to let yourself be known when you have hidden your true self for so long.  It is safe to be hidden.  There is no threat of bullying, no torment, no expectation of others (in regard to yourself), and no disappointment by your peers because you smile, do your work, and move on.  All of the preceding have to do with your expectations of others being there for you.  The true glimpses they get from you, if any, are fleeting.  And you survive.

Survive.

I was not happy.  I was insulated.  I was in a hamster wheel, of my own creation, and I was doing what I spent the last 3 years doing.  I thought I would spend the rest of my life doing it.

I unexpectedly found someone that believed in me, and more importantly, I LET them, gradually.  At the beginning, I had my usual coyness, and sarcastic deflection.  To their credit, they persisted, and to mine so did I, with questions.  It wasn’t a sudden reveal; it was a gradual awakening.  I slowly loosened my clutch on my heart and soul, and let myself out in tiny glimpses.  I grew to believe I was worth it, I could talk to people, I could help people and actually be noticed for doing so without it being narcissistic.

Then I started to believe that maybe, just maybe, those closest to me should know the “real” me.  I wasn’t coy, I didn’t sarcastically deflect, and I listened to why they believed in me.  The reinforced concrete in front on my heart and soul started to erode away, and constant personal growth that allowed it to flourish into a garden.  I started to change, and be vulnerable to let people in, little by little.

I wasn’t crippled by the vulnerability, which has always been my inherent fear.  I was free.  Free of the chains I had put on myself to be perfect and to uphold a standard that was not only unrealistic, but also quite damaging.  The barrier was gone, and let my friends and family in, even if it’s just a little at a time.