Have you ever have one of those moments where you realize you are the not the person you perceive yourself to be?  Or at the very least, the person people used to know.

know me last year


I was at dinner with friends of my parents, one of them my English professor at community college, we all had dinner together.  They really didn’t say anything, and they didn’t really have to.  I felt it, as odd as that sounds.  They noticed and felt something different.

I have taken control of my life; more than that, I have taken responsibility for it.  I am done letting my circumstances control me.  I am done letting my living situation control different aspects of my life.  I am done thinking that people owe me something just because of whatever reason.

This is my life.  I have fought, grown, persevered, and built a life that I am proud of.   I am building a life I can not only survive, but thrive, on my own.

I cannot control if others are proud of me.  I can’t, and I didn’t even realize I was trying to until about a two weeks ago.  I am proud of myself, of my decision to be responsible, and to let go by an invisible rope of financial means.

I AM DONE. Proving myself to others that don’t understand me, my motivations, and my life choices.

This year has been one of growing, building, destroying internal walls, and severe personal, emotional pain.  All of that equal THIS realization.

This moment of “I don’t give a frak what happens”.  It’s a choice, it’s amazing, it’s gold, and it’s coming.  And it’s worth it.

And, you know what?  It IS about me.  Just a little.  Because you have to believe you are worth the life of millionaires to get there.  You have to believe you are worth inspiring and leading thousands of lives.  If you don’t believe you intrinsically are worth all of those things, rethink.

This is from a recovering sarcastic, invisible person, who didn’t believe I was worthy of much at all-you need to believe that you are.  Surprisingly, people pay attention.

If I can work through an immense amount of self-doubt, pain, and personal growth, trust me you can too.  (Find a mentor).

Why?  Because YOU, yes you, are worth it.  Maintain a giving, selfless heart if that is your nature, but understand that you are worth everything that want and for others.

Capturing the Moment

There is something about capturing a moment in time that is magical, and almost visceral.  In certain pictures you can feel the emotion being conveyed in that moment. It is a gift to be able to capture that moment, and preserve it for a lifetime of memories.

Maria Spillane being recognized for achieving National Vice President in Arbonne. Photograph taken by Alexis Krukovsky.

Maria Spillane being recognized for achieving National Vice President in Arbonne. Photograph taken by Alexis Krukovsky.

The record is there, and you can immerse yourself in that moment at anytime.  Anyone who has lost someone close to them, you realize how important pictures are because they bring you back to that time and place. The part of that memory you hold dear is an important gateway to the soul, and it’s easy to get lost in it.  The most important part is to take the memory and hold it close to you, and keep it with you as long as you need it.

It doesn’t need to be that dramatic, though.  It can be sending a friend a picture when they are away, or finding a hilarious event and reposting it.  It brings you back to time, place, and emotion.