Quarantine Day 13-15

Quarantine Day 13

• The only reason I know it’s day 13 is because I am writing these daily. I am with the rest of you in the WTF day is it camp
• Apparently some radio station down in Philly thought it would be amusing to play Christmas songs to really fuck with people’s heads. It seems like something they should have done on April 1^st, just sayin’
• I had minimal motivation today. I made myself get up and off the couch at 3 PM. I have mixed feelings about doing that in retrospect…stay tuned
• Sharing is caring people. Little gestures can make a big difference any time, but no more so than right now

Time for my adventure in parks today

• I scouted online to find a park for the vicinity I was going to be in. I find one, and it’s one I didn’t even know existed. Jug Mountain Reserve. I have lived in that area my entire life, and didn’t know where this place was. There is an obvious reason for this lack of knowledge in my life.
• I use Google maps to get me there, and it takes me down a short driveway. I’m like, um okay. This is clearly not where I am supposed to be. I see signs along the driveway that indicate the park boundary is there. I figure that it must be nearby, and I go try to find it. After about 10 minutes of going up and down this road, I give up. Google you have failed me for the first time in a long time.
• I did find a cool new farm stand, and will go back there when I need produce.
• I now look for another park that is close to where my adventure had taken me. I find one, and think great!  There’s one like 10 minutes from here. Google maps to the rescue! Alas, not so much. It takes me to a private road, where supposedly I drive 0.5 miles and the parking lot is there. I am not too keen on this idea. It’s a plague, and I do not need to get feel like getting arrested or shot to go on a hike. I look on Google maps again, and figure it must be further down then. I drive for about 10 minutes, and nothing. Lots of farms, which is always cool. But no park.
• It becomes crystal clear that Google maps has failed me AGAIN. Now, Google maps has failed me in the past on occasion. But not twice in the same damn day. At this point I am getting frustrated. I just want to go to for a jaunt out into nature at this point. I don’t care what it is.
• I pull up the park brochure, and it gives directions. I think to myself, “okay, I’ll look for that road as a landmark for the park.” I drive back the way I came, and I look for that landmark road. Booyah, there it is!
• This is just the beginning of this comedy of errors, folks. You will be rolling with laughter as you read the series of events.
• I pull in, and it is empty except for one car. Score! I change into my boots, and put on my hiking backpack. Why am I getting squirted with water?! Probably about 50% of you probably know what a Camelback is, so let me explain.  It’s essentially a water reservoir that goes into a backpack, and you can sip on easily while hiking. I look down, and the bite valve came off (it’s where the water comes out of). I am like, are you fucking kidding me right now? Universe, what are you trying to tell me here?! Because you know damn well I am NOT getting back into the car! I am too damned stubborn for that. I rig it so the hose is upright, so it doesn’t become like a teething baby that will let loose when there’s no diaper. I find the bite valve, and it’s under my car. I clean it off, I reattach it, and I’m off.
• I came up with a new word. Wike, it’s when it’s not quite a walk and it’s not quite a hike. That’s what this turned out to be. A bit of elevation change at the beginning, about 1/3 of a mile, and then it became relatively flat. It plateaus into a really cool hemlock grove. I haven’t seen a hemlock grove in a long time; thanks in large part to the Wooly Adelgid. This stand seems relatively healthy, and there are several that seem to be dead or dying. It’s still beautiful, and definitely worth the wike up to see it.
• There is not a single person on this trail after the first 10 minutes. It was awesome and so quiet.
• I head back at about the two mile mark. I start down the trail. I am walking and looking around. This is not a dicey trail. There are some rocks, but this is a very tame trail by comparison to the others I have been doing. Not that I have been doing anything crazy or intense hiking wise yet.
• I roll my ankle on a little f-you rock. That’s what we call them in paddling. They are seemingly insignificance rocks that shouldn’t mess you up at all, but they f-you every time. I have been icing it on and off. I thoroughly hope it’s not sore tomorrow, so I’m playing it very safe by icing it now.
• That ends the comedy of errors. Good news is that I don’t think it’s too badly sprained. I am also obviously off from work, so I can let it rest and heal, if need be. I also made a bunch of kids smile today, so getting off my couch was worth it. Sometimes I need to listen to the universe more because it was basically telling me to go the hell home.
• My radishes froze in my refrigerator. How freaking hilarious and odd is that?
• Confession: I don’t like lettuce or salads for the most part. I really have to be the mood for them. For some inexplicable reason, on Saturday I decided to buy Bibb lettuce. Where has Bibb lettuce been all my life? It is so freaking good!! It’s the little things.
• The woman I have been talking to says, you can’t get injured and go to the hospital now! I thought it was wicked cute because it is a mild sprain.

Quarantine Day 14 and a Bazillion

• It feels like I’ve been in quarantine for a lot longer than 2 weeks. You folks who have been in it for like a month, what does it feel like to you?
• Remember when my internet went out on Friday? They finally showed up today to fix it in the early afternoon, and they were very nice and got it back online. The one redeeming quality of my very slightly sprained ankle is that I wasn’t mad at them for being so late. If I had been able to hike today, and they came that late, I probably would have been mad. Right now, it’s a take it easy, watch stuff, and read a bit kind of time.
• So yup, my ankle is very slightly sprained. It’s a tad sore, but it’s more stiff than anything. I am grateful for that because the way I rolled it yesterday, it could have been worse. Thanks yoga for helping with stronger ankles. I’d rather rest and heal it now than risk a worse injury the next time I go hiking. Because if I have to stay indoors anymore than necessary, I will legit lose my mind.
• I am both jealous and insanely happy for those that got out today. It was a perfect day out, damn it. I kept reminding myself that it’s temporary, and I’ll get out soon. This is my internal slogan during this. It’s temporary, and eventually we’ll get back to “regular life”. Whatever that means, it’ll be interesting to see what that turns out to be. I’ll admit it was frustrating at times to say the least.
• I cleaned out a junk bin today, and found all sorts of interesting and funny things. I found the liquid gold of finds right now, hand sanitizer. Be jealous my friends. I never could have conceived that would be a thing I would write, and not have an ounce of sarcasm about it being valuable. I also found an old planner.  Do people actually use planners? I seem to buy one, and then after like two weeks never use it again. Kudos to you if you do. Except when my mentor gave me a passion planner. That was bitching and pretty cool.
• I went out to get an ankle brace because I have an ace bandage, but it didn’t seem to be doing much. As I was checking out, this kid comes right next to me and says not very nicely to the cashier, “do you take cash?” He says, very politely but with gritted teeth, “please step behind the line”. They also have a table placed in front of the cashier to give six feet of space, which I thought was very clever (see previous post about the candy). The kid did not take kindly to this, acted quite offended, and then left the store. The cashier shook his head, and so did I. The most disconcerting part of it was more the kids’ reaction of contempt than anything else.
• Virtual happy hour with four of my friends! There was laughter, there was solace, and there were puppies and kittens. What else could one want in a plague? I think we will be doing this weekly, yay!
• My cousin Cindy called because her daughter’s birthday is tomorrow, and we are going to do a zoom birthday conference at 7 to wish and sing her happy brithday! Have I mentioned how the person who created zoom deserves a medal? It’s been a lifesaver, and I’m sure in some cases literally. I am really excited about the ability to do this.
• I actually did my makeup for the zoom call, so go me.
• My favorite day of the month was tonight! It’s Training and Recognition for my health and wellness social marketing business. Tonight was even more special because a few of my friends qualified for highest level of management national vice president! I’m so very excited for them; they have worked their ass off for that success and deserve every ounce of it. The trainings were on-point too. There were practical tips, wisdom, inspiration, and gut punches. I love my tribe of inspirational hope dealers
• Today it was challenge not to get frustrated because it’s so nice out. This time is weird and chaotic. I have to remember to give myself grace during those moments of frustration, lack of motivation, and melancholy. This is temporary, but it’s also a struggle. It’s okay for us not to be okay. The most important part in all of this is doing our best to not judge anyone in this madness. You or anyone else. You do not know their story, and sometimes we don’t even recognize our own. Forgive yourself for not being a wonder person right now during this time of crisis. Plagues and quarantines are taxing. Let that shit go. Judgment is never helpful.
• Stay safe, stay sane, and stay safely connected.

Quarantine Day 15

• I made protein blueberry pancakes for the first time, and they were AWESOME. And one of them looked like a turtle. Little things guys. It’s always about the little things, but especially now.
• This is my second day of my self-enforced non-activity for my ankle. Shit is hard, especially because it’s been so beautiful out. I have been exceedingly cautious, but should be back up and running tomorrow. Thanks for all the well wishes!
• I love Sandra Bullock. The only movie of hers that I have seen and didn’t like was Speed 2. You can’t overcome a shitty plot even with amazing actors. I saw that movie exactly one time, and felt I lost brain cells watching it.
• I think Hitch is a brilliant romantic comedy. It has everything, the goofy guy who gets the girl. The good looking guy who gets the hot girl, and all with flair and charm that is lacking in rom-coms these days. Fight me.
• I have one regular standard long gel ice pack. You know what makes a second great ice pack? Frozen peas or dried black eyed peas in a plastic bag frozen. The kind used to make arts and crafts as a kid on construction paper. Why? Because they are malleable when placed on let’s say a joint that is shaped like an ankle. And they can be reused just like an ice pack. Just remember not to eat them if they are the frozen pea variety.  Because that would be really gross.
• I will never, ever take for granted seemingly inconsequential daily personal contact with people ever again.
• I am starting to struggle a bit. It could be because I haven’t been outside, and that’s definitely a factor. The much bigger factor is people aren’t meant to live in isolation like this. We are social beings. Staying isolated is not good for our mental stability as a whole for human beings. It’s just not how our brain or societal connections work.
• Please do NOT misunderstand me. The quarantines that are happening are NECESSARY. Could it have been handled differently? Hell yeah. Do I wish that our President would actually understand how serious this is, make an effort to understand the science behind it? Yes. The how we got here doesn’t matter. It is the going forward that does. Making this quarantine as short as possible. Please stop meeting up with people you don’t live with outside your home. Unless it is ONE other person, and as long as you keep safe distance of six feet, I don’t see the problem. I have hiked by myself this entire time, and just about everywhere I have gone, I have seen people practicing social distancing. Don’t ruin this for others by being a jackass.
• I’m a culprit in this, too. I am not infallible that is for damn sure, nor am I an expert. As recently as this past weekend, I was talking about getting a small group of people together for a hike. I did the math today. It is almost impossible to be able to hike as a group “together” if there are more than three people. Even three people are a stretch because that itself would be 18 feet. So, life is about learning from your mistakes and moving on. Hike with ONE other person, but it’s probably best by yourself for the time being.
• They closed down all the state and even county parks in NJ. The more I think about it, the more I understand why. I think there could have been ways to implement it. Or people could have not been jackasses by using the parks as a place to congregate. If they do the same where I live, I will be legit worried not just for my mental well being, but countless others as well. Being outdoors has been shown to improve mood, reduce anxiety, and boost endorphins. Don’t fuck it up for the rest of us by being a jackass in parks, and using it as a venue to get together socially with people.
• Why don’t they put salsa in a low height, but wide container like hummus? It would make it SO much easier when you get the bottom of the jar. Even if you are civilized, and put it on a dish for serving (rare for me), there is no way graceful way to get it out of the jar near the bottom. If you have a method, please share!
• It’s my cousin Bessa’s birthday today, and we obviously couldn’t get together for her birthday or Easter. So Zoom to the rescue! And my sister figured it out, so I’m proud of her. So as usual wacky family hi-jinks ensued. Obviously we are not looking to make a habit of this because nothing replaces the shared meal, hugs, and overall family togetherness. During that period of time, we laughed until we cried and/or snorted. I did both. It’s the temporary new normal. I’m glad we have the technology to allow opportunity to share a connection with those we love.
• Another v-date chat thing tomorrow, and I’ll keep you posted. 😀
• The online dating thing seems to go in spurts, and I’m not sure why. I took the shotgun approach to dating, and am on all different apps. I think that’s how most people do it. FB dating was good at the beginning, and now it’s like the drunk uncle who doesn’t know where to pee.
• Two huge shout outs: THANK YOU times a bazillion to all the essential workers that helping to keep this country at this time, especially those in the medical field. There are no words that could ever express that gratitude we all owe you. Mwah!
• To my badass tribe of hilarious and awesome women. You have helped keep me sane the past two days. Mwah to you guys, too.

Day two of doing living this, and I REALLY hope it’s the last.

Grief Journey

I was inspired to write this by a friend of mine’s hashtag Grief Journey.

Grief is
Never

Neat
and

Tidy.

in
some
Ways

Depending
on the

Connection

it might
Linger

for

Years.

it can
Lessen

as we

Heal,

but the

Memories
of

Time

Lost

is a

Consistent

Burden.

Feeling
as

though

We are

Suspended

in

Time.

As the
Pain

lessens

the
Guilt

sets in.

How
could
we

Forget?

it’s a
Cycle,

and it
Sucks.

but it

Sucks

beautifully.

our

Memories

Turn from

Pain
and

Heartache

to
one of

happy
Reflection

of a

Commonality

still

Shared.

Grief – Revisited

This has been a tough and emotional week due to the loss of a family member, one of my best friends mom passed away.  She was really like my mom as well. I no longer distinguish between blood and chosen families, they are one because they all have significance in my life. I have been numb for most of it, and still haven’t processed it all yet.  The crash hasn’t happened yet.

The funeral/viewing was yesterday. The family decided to have a private viewing where only a few were invited to come, and to spend alone time with Donna. It was more intimate than any viewing I had ever been to, and I think I finally understand the originally intent of a viewing. It’s not meant to be a mass of people going up to the deceased, and paying respects for a split second. It is one last time for closure, and to spend time with them privately that you might not have had a chance to do so. It gave me an entirely new perspective on funerals. I took my time with her. I spoke with her, and expressed my gratitude for her and her family accepting me as one of theirs. I also expressed my concerns, and to send her strength to her family that could use her fortitude. She was one of the bravest, most sassy, and stubborn women I have ever known. The service was informal, and kept as “light” as possible. With mingling until 1:30, and then there were eulogies given. It’s what she would have wanted. It was perfect. It was Donna. The room was filled with pictures, memories, and moments in time that were captured and shared by her husband John and other family members.

She fought until she couldn’t anymore. She gave us all she could give, and went out on her terms. She was ready. It reminded me so much of my Nana and her last day.

I have felt my Nana’s presence strongly in the past couple of weeks. I still don’t know what she is trying to tell me, but I am ready to hear it. Maybe Donna will help, too.

The Universe/God/Narnia has a plan and a reason, and sometimes that reason sucks at the time. I started to write an entry about the fluidity of friendships, and it has morphed into this. There are a number of friendships in my life that have become distant for a myriad of reasons, and some have already started to be mended. Life happened, choices were made, and we were all in pain for different reasons.. Sometimes you have to take care of yourself first because you are not capable of taking care of others. Learning that lesson this year was quite painful and hard. The grieving process has brought us closer together again.

It still hurts. All of it. I am sure it will hurt more in the next couple of days when it really settles in. I have cried plenty. I started crying at 9:30 yesterday morning and continued periodically until we left the funeral home at 2. I even sent a text to one of my best friends saying, “it’s too early for me to be crying.” She said, “Love. and it’s never too early to start crying.” I am crying now as I write this.

It was not that long ago when I rarely cried. And never in public, except for once.  It’s being vulnerable, real, and present. It’s about letting it all in, and then letting it all out. I held all my emotion in for so long because I didn’t think I was worth the opportunity to express my emotion in public. People bond via emotion, and I am realizing while writing this that Grief brings us together. If the silver lining is that this brings more amazing people into my life, and relationships to mend, I’ll accept those gifts.

Family

My definition of family has expanded quite a bit the past several years. Anyone who truly knows me, I will do anything for my family, both blood and chosen. I am blessed to have developed many friends who have turned into family. And sometimes those people come from the most unexpected of circumstances.

I would say I have four types of family: blood, Arbonne, paddling, and everything in between. They have different places in my life, and I do not discriminate with whom I love. They span all genres, sexuality, and age.  I give readily, but rarely do I give myself.   I do not trust easily, and I readily hide myself because I thought it was easier that way. This is an error in judgment, and it’s a constant battle I fight with myself.  To be worthy of giving that trust.

In truth, it is easier that way. It is much easier to show façade rather than to tell the whole truth. To pretend everything is perfect. Be the highlight reel for people.   One of my best friends says that “he has barely scratched the surface of me” after being friends for more than a decade. But it’s a lie. I love my life, and it’s not perfect. They are not mutually exclusive.

One of my consistent challenges is to be vulnerable. I am certainly not unique in this aspect. I would go even further to say a majority of people when they broke down to the basis of their fears that it would rank very highly. We seek perfection in our society. I have written about this, and I am going to extrapolate further. It is much easier to portray the lie of perfection, then to tell the actual truth behind the mask. The truth is almost without exception, messy and multi-layered. There is no easy “fix.”

My closest family members are the ones I trust without question. The ones who ask and push the questions that no one else wants to ask when necessary. They push us out of our comfort zone into a whole new reality and space. Which is often terrifying, because we have often lived and believed our own lie for far too long. They help us confront the truth, which is often deeply buried and disturbing.

Blood family doesn’t often push that boundary for some reason, at least not in my family as of late. I am still puzzling all this out, and everything is becoming clearer.  Not crystal yet, but it’s getting there. Our own minds are often our biggest obstacles. As one friend of mine put it, “Stop using your big, beautiful brain and just do it.” Put your faith in trust, as terrifying as that may be.

I am working towards putting my trust in consistent vulnerability, and making myself known to everyone I love. It is scary. It is messy. And the effort and pain is worth it. I am worth it. It is one of the hardest aspects of personal growth I am pushing through. It’s another step towards my progress to being the best me.

I am the vault for people. People tell me things that they don’t tell anyone else, and I value that trust as sacred. I have rarely put that amount of trust into other people. And that is where one aspect of my self-worth breakdown is. When people trust you enough to tell you their innermost thoughts and feelings, you are worthy of doing the same for them. You not only deserve that amount of trust that people place in you, but they also deserve the same from you. It is not a burden to them. I will repeat because I have felt this way my entire life: it is not a burden to them. It is a comfort of reciprocity.   If there is not the same amount of trust, they will pull back from you. And it hurts. I have only now just realized why the pull back happened. Loyalty and trust must go both ways.

Thanks to those who haven’t moved on, and I understand the ones that did.  🙂

I have lived most of my life in fear of being hurt by trusting the wrong people. It is a path I am striving to banish. If you find this true about yourself as I have, and you realize the pedestal you place yourself on both undervalues your needs as a human being and the gift of your truest self to others.

Freedom

The word freedom is a rather loaded word. It means something different to everyone. My freedom is paddling whenever I want, being able to give whatever I want without it destroying my bank account, and being present when one of my family and friends wants me to be there no matter what.   And travel. There will be lots of travel. To me, you can’t put a price on any of those items.

This is a pic of my crazy cousins, and their significant others, kids, etc at my cousin’s wedding. I am so lucky to have them.

Your freedom may be different. The key is to be able to actually EXECUTE that freedom.

There is also the third reality. The burnt out and/or overworked mentality. This is by the far the saddest, and in my opinion the hardest to get out. This is where you either work a bazillion hours and get a really great paycheck. Or you are working a bazillion hours just to make ends meet. I have been in the latter of those two. Many of you know this, but for those that don’t, I used to work two different jobs about 60-70 hours a week. In those years I made under $30,000 for BOTH. I got my W-2’s back and said, “Really? That’s it. There’s got to be another way.” It feels like there isn’t though. You become disheartened, depressed, and just resigned to the fact that this is all your life is going to be. You are really just surviving another day, week until the next paycheck. When you breathe a sigh of relief, and said thank the universe it’s payday. You lose your drive, dream, and eventually the ability to hope for something better. You believe that this is how it is going to be from now on. You become resigned to mediocrity.

Except it doesn’t have to be this way.

If you are in this particular mindset, there is a way to find your freedom. My way might be different from your way; however, I can say with conviction as long as you work your lever to freedom, you will get there. The last three years I have had a lot of absolutely amazing things happen, but I have also had some of the worst possibly scenarios come into my life during that time. Here’s the difference between now and seven years ago. I have a choice.   I got the opportunity to spend time with my elderly Nana and go to the hospital for both my Dad and my Uncle when it was necessary. I literally would walk out of my job saying I have to take care of my family now. I am very grateful and very blessed that my “regular” job I get to do that. Family always comes first.

The nicer part was because of my network marketing health and wellness business, my paycheck didn’t suffer to the point where I couldn’t pay my bills. I earned that time. I earned that freedom. It is like anything else, it takes work and sacrifice.

My question is what is your freedom worth?  Think about it.  This is not a hypothetical question.  Take some time and develop it.

Valentine’s Day Redefined-Not what you think

I am not really the romantic type.  I’ve had one or two serious relationships that Valentine’s Day would have meant anything anyway.  Unfortunately, Valentine’s Day will always mean something infinitely sad for me.  It was the day my Nana passed away, tomorrow it’ll be a year since she passed away.  She was 96 years old and was in damn good shape for 96.  She was sharp as a sharks tooth until she was about 92-93.

My 96-year old Nana receiving a mud mask last summer. Thank you Arbonne for giving me the time with her.

I haven’t felt this sad about it in a long time, which is to be expected I guess.  It is really the first family death that hit home hard.  When my Aunt Goldie died (at 96ish), it was sad, but as much as I loved her, I didn’t feel as much of a connection with her as I did her sister, my aunt Gert.  When my Aunt Gert died, I had actually said goodbye to her a few years before, after seeing her for the first time after her massive stroke which had left her as a virtual vegetable, I saiIt td goodbye.  Eventually I just couldn’t go to see her anymore, it was too painful.  Despite her being the virtual vegetable, there were signsher still there.  Which is even worse in my opinion.

I was trying to figure out why I was somewhat melancholy throughout the day today, after feeling on top of the world this month.   I have no been this upset about Nana’s death in a long time, but I guess that’s too be expected.  This might be the first time I let everything in the past year hit me.   It’s been the gauntlet.  My friend said, “you’ll cry when you least expect it.”  It was about three months for her.  It’s been about three months since EVERYTHING hit, and came at me like a cattle yard with a fan.  So, I guess that makes sense.

I still didn’t expect the affect of her death to affect me like this.  The start of everything that set my soul on fire to get my ass in gear.  But this shit fucking hurts.  I know it’ll dissipate with time.  It’s very different than anything I have felt in a very, very long time.  The pain is deep, visceral, and feels like a living, breathing being that I wish I could stab to death.  This is a free-thought entry.

I am very good at compartmentalizing when it comes to emotions, etc. However, I do much better when I expect it coming.

Amazingly Inspired

I have a friend who at a young age has gone through two bouts of cancer, and some other very personal life changes that should not happen to a person so young.  A lot of people would bow down to that, and have a pity party for themselves.

Instead she started her own personal movement to inspire people to start and end happy.  She made a video that via index cards told her story, and at times tragic story.  She is one of the strongest people I know.  You can google it if you would like, you’ll see her video come up.

Full disclosure, I do not know her very well; I would like to point that out.  However, there are lots of things that inspire me in writing, and watching this woman’s reaction to her life, and the events in her life before and after tragedy is miraculous, awesome sauce.  It is a display of nothing short of pure will, courage, and blind, stupid stubborn (meant in the best possible way).  I do not think she knows how many people she will inspire.  I honestly think her story, her courage, her fortitude will  teach thousands, if not millions of people, to take on their challenges in their own way.  I am not a bullshitter, it’s not in my nature.  I say what I mean, and I do what I say.

Little and Big Things

There is not much that makes me cry or even tear.  There are a few things that do:  highly emotional events, friends and family support, and nature connection.

I experienced a highly emotional family event in February-my Nana died at 96 years young.  I say young because she was the initial badass, and she remains an inspiration to me this day.  Those that know me, know that I will do anything for my family and friends.

I am going to fast forward to six months ago.  There have been a number of people on my personal growth journey that have been instrumental, and they know who they are.  When my Nana died, of course my blood family came together, but two other families gave me supported that I would not have thought fathomable about a year before.  My Arbonne family and my paddling family, and they were some of the first to reach out to me.  Reading my facebook entries and the condolescenes made this entry crystallize.  This entry has actually strayed far from my original inspiration, and it doesn’t matter.  This is why I write to let stuff out and process.

I lost my way.  I lost sight of the goal.  I even lost my belief that I could do it for a brief period of time.

My 96-year old Nana receiving a mud mask last summer. Thank you Arbonne for giving me the time with her.

Everyone gets in those periods.  And most people need a kick in the ass to get them out of it.

I had just such a kick, except it was mostly a kick from myself (yes, I had help).  I re-read a lot of my entries from February and March just now, and said “what the fuck are you doing right now!?  Get your ass in gear, and make Nana proud.”

Except unlike February and March, I realized it’s about making MYSELF proud.  She was already proud of me.  Now, it’s about changing and getting out of my own damn way.

Belonging, Terror, and Love

I have been pondering the past month about the many things that have changed in my life so much in three years.  Since I was in middle school, I have been searching for and also running from belonging to anything outside my family.  The past couple of years I’ve just expanded my definition of family a bit.

I didn’t belong to anything in middle school or high schooI, beyond an environmental club and to a certain extent my church youth group.  Even that was superficial.  I think everyone to some degree goes through bullying in middle and high school, and it affected me greatly-I know I am not unique in those aspects.  It was typical middle and high school tormenting, and it left deep scars of trust issues.  The groups I thought I belonged to, I really didn’t.  I felt awkward, uncomfortable, and painfully self-conscious most of the time.  So I retreated, and built reinforced concrete walls.

It was simple in mind.  Belonging equaled trust that inevitably lead to hurt, which led to me being terrified of letting myself get close enough to feel worthy of belonging.  It was one more thing to lose, one more heartbreak, and it was just easier to cut myself off emotionally.  It was damned effective.

At my community college was the first time in a very long time I felt I belonged somewhere, and it wasn’t superficial.  I found my beloved Garden Club, the Garden Elite.  I am not sure whether it was because some of them were older that I felt more at ease, or just because they were an exceptionally accepting group that made even an awkward newcomer feel welcome.  For whatever reason, I did feel welcome, and more importantly, I let myself feel that I deserved to be included.  As I am writing this, I am realizing what a defining period it was in my life.  I trusted people a little, and it didn’t hurt.  There was just acceptance, love, and I will forever be grateful to them.  I am still in touch with those people today.

Garden Elite 2002. Left to right: Monica, April, me, Lauren, Dustin

After college was a struggle to belong again, and I was back to feeling like I did in high school.  The scarcity mindset had returned, and I wondered if I would ever feel good enough at anything again.  Fast forward to three years ago.  I found friends, a tremendous group of people, and an organization who’s entire philosophy is to empower people.  I feel a true sense of belonging, love, and appreciation I never thought I would ever receive again, or let myself feel like I could let people in without fear.  I found my group, who is a part of my extended family, and to finally feel like I belong somewhere, and that I am worthy of it, is an indescribable feeling of gratitude.  I have surrounded myself with people who love and accept me for me.

Striking Times

This has been my first Mother’s Day without my Nana.  I felt her on Sunday, I did.  However, for some reason, it is hitting more today for the first time in awhile.  There are so many other times where have felt her presence more, and it is beyond random.

It has happened when hiking, walking, paddling, and very occasionally driving.  I will see something, and out of nowhere WHAM there’s Nana.  I am a deeply spiritual person, and a lot of the emotion I express via writing. It just comes out better than if I do it verbally.

My 96-year old Nana receiving a mud mask last summer. Thank you Arbonne for giving me the time with her.

The time I spent with my Nana before she died was directly related to my business.  It gave me the time freedom to go down to the shore, and give my Nana a facial and spend time during the week.  My flexibility gave me the time I needed to be with my family.  There are two things that matter to me more than other part of my life:  my family and my friends.  You mess with either of them, and you will regret it.

I get struck by these emotions and sentiments at odd times.  Generally when I’m tired, and my guard is down.  I got to have a final conversation with my Nana that others in my family didn’t get to have.  I would have given ANYTHING so they could have had that conversation that they so deserve.

She is with me.  In every heart ache, every barrier broken, every adventure, and every celebration.  She is there, and always will be.

My mission in life right now is that no one else that I know, specifically, has to endure that hurt.  They get to have that option, freedom, and say in their own god*&mn life.  It’s not about me, and it never really was.  But this just got real.