Light and Shadow

I
Breathe
in
the

Cold,
Damp
air

as
Darkness
surrounds.

Light
is
bouncing Off
the River
in a
kind of

Dance.

I Let
the
Darkness
Surround
my

Five
Senses

as I
Submerse
myself

in the

Restorative
Energy
of

Light

and

Shadow.

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Type of Decisions

Life is not a series of moments; it’s a series of decisions. I have come to the conclusion that there are three types of decisions. One is deliberate where you choose to go after something in your life. Two is passive, where you let the decision come to you. Three is where the situation determines your decision. The third option may seem like passive, but I beg to differ.

Passive is where you are ambling through life, but situations arise and you ride that flow without participating in it much. Situational decisions are where you make an active decision driven by circumstances where you decide to drive your own your circumstances. If you don’t see the difference, please continue to read.

done-to-me-human

I have always enjoyed puzzles, and life is no different. I have always been good at dealing  with problems and obstacles, regardless if they were mine or someone else’s. I have never been one to panic when faced with an obstacle because it’s an objective problem I can fix. When my car bumper was literally hang by a few pieces of metal, I fixed it with cable ties. When power has gone out, I grabbed my head lamp so we could search hands free. The pragmatic and solution oriented approach to problems have always come easy and natural to me.  It is a situational decision brought on by fear.

Everyone goes through things in their life that are presented as obstacles. Last November life presented me with a series of the biggest obstacles I have ever faced, and I used it to propel me forward. I responded to the situational decision, and I used it to fuel me. I grew more than ever, both in life and personally.  This post is not to brag about that level of growth, for which I am proud of accomplishing and grateful for.  The growth I experienced was driven primarily and instinctively by fear.  It is a small way to grow, however.  I would like to show you a better way to grow without external stimuli.  Fear will push you into greatness only so far.

two-options

This post is what happens when there is no crisis or obstacle, and you still have an all-consuming desire to grow.  When there is no life event that makes you realize that you have been playing small, and you better step up.  It is what happens when you turn from an amateur (in anything) to a professional.  Because your decision and action is not propelled by fear, but it is propelled by love and faith in something bigger than you.

I have heard time and time again in my network marketing business it takes a decision. It takes a shift. Each time I promoted, it was because of an external event. It’s not enough. To be truly better, you deserve to strive to be better when there is no propelling reason to be. This is that moment for me. I have no external struggle happening in my life, but I have not felt this much internal determination to be better than yesterday in quite some time.

Situational decisions will only get you so far before you hit a wall of your belief. If you feel the pull to greatness, be aware that your mindset and soul deserve more than to be pawns in a situational game. Be an active participate in your greatness, and make that decision now to live in a life that is not fear based.

Hiding and Discovery

The only thing I really wanted out of life was to be invisible. I was damned good at it, until I wasn’t. Over the course of the past couple of years I have become anything but invisible. Whether you realize it or not, people watch you. For me, it’s weird to not only be noticed, but also recognized for being myself. Most of the time, it’s amazing and I am always so grateful that I have created the life I have. There are times I still struggle with it, mostly during transitions and self-doubt. This has been a hell of a transition period for a number of reasons.

Realization Uncovered

The odd thing about being invisible and hidden is when it comes truly time to what you are looking for and want, you don’t know what it is. And even if you know what it is, it scares you beyond just about anything you’ve ever done before.

Why? Because it’s finally the real you. It’s not the goofy pretend extrovert; it’s not the aloof woman made of steel, and it’s not even the meek, self-conscious introvert. It Is You. And people knowing you, the real you, is the most daunting thing you’ve ever done. The most daunting, exposing, scariest thing I have ever done.

It is so much easier to hide; to be the person that everyone expects you to be, or to be the go to person for whatever than be truly you.

me training 2-1-16

Expectation

I have not been truly myself since I was a kid. I was always trying to live up (unknowingly) to the expectation, the image, and later try to cover up the vulnerability of what is me. I buried by myself for so long that the real me was incredibly painful and difficult to unearth.   It is like an archaeology dig. Where the past is buried so deep and so painstakingly preserved, it is difficult to unearth without destroying the very being you are trying to make whole.

The End

It’s a misnomer. There is never an end to discovering yourself and your own potential. There is only the willingness to dive into the personal change, gratitude, and submission that there are those who know how to achieve greatness and you must accept and “bow” to their knowledge and expertise. Only then will you truly grow, learn, and become yourself. Regardless of how scary and terrifying that is.

Being vulnerable sucks. It just does. It is also necessary in order to grow to your greatness. Find a mentor. Grow. Be. Do.

Mentors, Belief, and Reflection

Mentorship

I have been fortunate enough to have many mentors throughout my life. The first one I ever had was Carter Blankenship, and he taught me most of what I know about shoes and a little about workwear. He passed away two weeks ago. He was one of the first people to ever believe in me, and he called me his protégé. He looked out for me, taught me certain tricks of the trade with people, and he was proud of me. Always.

word cloud - mentorship

I have been thinking about him periodically in the past few months, and how much I wanted to get in contact with him. I just didn’t know how. When I find out he passed away, it hit me like a two-foot wave in the ocean. I felt a sense of loss and shock that I hadn’t felt since my Nana passed away. I am not comparing the two; please do not misunderstand me.

Belief

His family had a celebration of life ceremony today that I went to. Truth be told, I really didn’t want to go. I knew I needed to go, I owed him that much. I didn’t really know how much the man had meant to me until today when I was headed there. The emotions were like the waves during an outgoing storm at the ocean. Violent, but subdued. Periodic but all-consuming. It was a tough ending to a tough week.

Ocean Fury taken in October 2015 by Alexis Krukovsky. (c)

I hadn’t met his family, except once in passing years ago, but he talked about them consistently. He was always proud of them, as well.   I looked for people who may be able to help direct me to the family members to introduce myself. The first person I met was Bridget, and is an old family friend. A very lovely, no-nonsense woman who was helping to clean up, and she introduced me to Melissa (his daughter) and later Adrienne his wife. Adrienne knew exactly who I was as soon as I said my name. I was slightly taken aback by this because I hadn’t seen Carter in at least seven years, and probably closer to ten. He talked about me to his family, which he didn’t do often apparently.  He also called me his protégé to his family.  It was one of several moments of gratitude and humbled pride.  I spent several years getting to work with and learn from him, but still.

 Reflection

Some of us went back to the house to help bring in everything, and to relax. There were stories upon stories, laughter, and bonding. From what I knew about Carter, it was exactly what he would have wanted. Laid-back, relaxed, and people having a good time while remembering the man we all loved. He was always a bit of a trickster, and helping to carry everything back to the house was his way of getting me there.

I went not knowing what to expect, and left with a lighter sense of spirit. I also left with new friends, and a deep down belief that he was proud of me. Even still after all these years. I am not sure what the point of this entry was other than a sense of gratitude of the people I have and have had in my life.

It’s Time

There’s a moment in time when you come to realize that you are over all your bullshit, and you get over yourself.  Everyone has been where you’ve been, they’ve dealt with the same shit or worse, and some have triumphed to greatness.  Up until this point, I have used exterior circumstances, family stuff, and a series of piled up bullshit to fuel me.

I have come to the realization that it is not enough.  I am fueled, I am driven to change by outside circumstances, which works to a point.  Eventually, the circumstances, the situation resolves, or you just deal with the mess that is being left.  The adrenaline goes away, and you are left with you.  Your desire, your need, your why, and your passion.

This is the point where I am at right now.  I rode the wave of shock, grief, expectation, more shock, and now I’m figuring out where to go from here.

It all goes back to being worth it, and believing it.  The past couple of months have been life changing for so many different reasons, and it was fuel to my passion, desire, and stubborn pursuit of excellence.  Now I need something more.  And once again it is me.

IT IS TIME.  The world deserves to know what I am capable of because I will change thousands of lives in a multiple of different avenues.  It’s go time.

Buried

The
amount
of
pain
in
discovery,
healing
is
related
to
how
deeply
buried
the
Pain
is.

 

It is
Raw,
Visceral.
the
Pain
and
Power
are as
Real
as
any
Break.

It’s
easy
to
Bury
it,
let it
Be.

the
memory
of the
Pain
stays
Hidden.

It’s still
there,

Lurking
in your
subconscious.

Like
a
slow,
suffocating
Cancer
of
your
Spirit.

be
Brave

Reach
into
the
Abyss
of your
soul,
Pull
out
your
Pain.

Expose
it
to
Light,
air,
and
Watch
it
Ignite

into a
Fiery
Whisper
of
Ashes.

Your
Burden
of
Memory,
Pain,
Regret
is

Gone.

Like
ashes
in
the
wind.

Uninvisible

I’ve
led
my
life
Making
myself
be
Invisible.

Letting
others
take
Credit,
while
I was
in the
Shadows.

it was to
Fit in,
to Belong

Because
even the
Illusion of
Belonging
was better
than no semblance
at all.

It was
an
Empty
hope

I kept
myself
small,
Hidden

to
Everyone.

Until

The
Painful
Self-discovery
of
My
Own

Worthiness.

Proved
me
Wrong.

I am
not
Perfect.

I am
still
Worth
Knowing.

I
AM
Not
Be
Invisible.

I
Am
a
Force.

I
am
Enough.

Just as
I
Am.

Vices and Victory!

There have been in the past very few times where I feel completely relaxed.  It is generally been paddling, in the outdoors, or when I’ve been slightly buzzed.  I emphasize slightly because I did not drink to get drunk…think what you will about this.  I drank to get comfortable in social situations, this was especially true when I was with people I didn’t know very well.  Yes, I am pretty much putting it all out there for the general public.  I think it will help people, and yes, I am really uncomfortable with it.  Also not sure if I should do it.   That is always a good sign.

Stolen from the interwebs.  I always reflect more when out in nature...just this pic.

Stolen from the interwebs. I always reflect more when out in nature…just this pic.

There are times where we do things that we don’t really consider because they make us feel better.  There are always things that make us act in certain ways and do things that aren’t necessarily in our character because we are trying to compensate for something in our lives that is lacking.  It was subconscious for me.  I did it to hide myself from others.  Something I have been  trying very hard to break myself from.  The deceit (mostly of myself), the hiding, and the shame that I felt for myself.  I didn’t want others to see ANY part of that vulnerability.  It’s about letting people see who you REALLY are.  It is an all-consuming fear of mine-to be known.  That for some reason unknown to me, I have made quite public on this blog.

I used to drink to relax, to belong to something bigger than myself, and to distance myself from that part of me that  felt “outside” acceptance from others.

I no longer feel the need to do that. I feel comfortable in my own skin.  I accept, usually, who I am.  I danced my little heart out a month ago in front of some very important people to me, and it didn’t matter what they thought of my dancing.  I just danced.  I let them in, just a little.

Accepting yourself is the best gift you can give yourself.  It took me a long to find that in myself.  I feel at peace more than I ever thought possible.