Friendship and Progress

Hello out there in blog land.  I have been away for a long time, and I apologize for that.  I will not make excuses for myself, and just know that I have been writing.  I just wasn’t ready to share a lot of it publicly.  Here is one of many to come.  If you are still out there ready this, I can never express my gratitude to my readers for being there offering supporting.

Every time a friend of mine (and sometimes I considered them close friends) has pretty much made it clear that they no longer wish to be friends, I have let it go. I have not asked why or what I did to cause their alienation. It hasn’t happened in several years where I felt a significant loss. I have learned to choose my friends carefully. I sent a text to a friend of mine about two months ago, saying “hey would love to see you and get catch up.” No response. I briefly ask about her to a mutual acquaintance, and she said a friend of hers is going through a rough time that is probably why. I texted a month ago, and still nothing. I finally got up the courage tonight to be like, “I clearly have done something to offend you, and I would like to know what it is to avoid it in the future. I truly am sorry for anything I have done to hurt you.” This was not an easy text to send. I love this person. But something had clearly changed. As always my scientist brain likes to know why because a) so I can maybe fix it if it’s a misunderstanding; b) avoid doing whatever it was/is in the future.

They responded very courageously themselves, “I don’t know what to say, other than I don’t wish to have a dialogue[…]I wish you the best and will remain kind and cordial.” She could have ignored me. Or blasted me. Did I learn what happened? No. Do I have an inkling of what might have happened? Yes. Do I have closure? Somewhat.

People move in and out of our lives. I don’t let a lot of people in to begin with, so when one leaves it creates a hole. And it hurts. Every time. Because I want to know what I did, and that is probably selfish of me. It is also entirely possible that I didn’t really do anything, and the friendship had simply run its course. In this instance though, for the first time probably ever, I have confronted the situation. I didn’t just let the other person go; I deserved confirmation of events. And I got it. Not necessarily the way I wanted it, but I know where I stand. And sometimes that has to be good enough.

I have another friend, someone who knows me better than anyone, and I feel that we are at a crossroads. And that hurts. It wasn’t until tonight that I have begun to understand why we are at a crossroads. I stopped growing and pushing myself. I had identified a lot of some of the deeper issues. I wrote a ridiculous amount in August and September, but all of it scared me. It is one of the only times on my self-development journey that I ran away from confronting the demons within. I don’t know why, maybe because it was all too close to confront. There would be a lot of hurt, pain, and growth involved. I was identifying the bullshit obstacles in my life, and there was a lot to identify. Therefore, a lot to process and change. The demon within said, “haven’t you done enough of that? Don’t you deserve a break from self-reflection?” I unknowingly agreed.

The conclusion I came to tonight after hearing her impassioned plea to be better and courageous? I deserve to step up into so many aspects of my life. Deserve to get back in there. Deserve to be seen again. Because for so long I have been half-seen. I couldn’t go back to not being seen at all. But to trying to lurk and be seen was mainly myself wanting to hide behind a layer of bullshit. And the bullshit layer eventually starts to hurt.

I have tackled a lot of mind bullshit layer before, but this feels profoundly different. This hurts more than almost any other time. I have pushed myself so far into the background that my own friends might not recognize me anymore. My gift. My passion. My code. Has been buried under a maze of bullshit that I am just starting to dig out of the manure and see the root of greatness ready to sprout.

It’s interesting because I thought I was digging through it for months now. And I have, in a way. I am now at the crust of my potential, and I know the pain to go through that will be so intense. I want to shrink back and procrastinate into oblivion Quite frankly, that has not worked out well for me. They say, you experience growth when your pain becomes bigger than your obstacles. Well, I think I am finally there. My heart is racing and I am SCARED about where I am about to go. Because I know it’s big. I just have to keep going upwards, and not let myself get sidetracked by the demon within that pushes procrastination with meaningless drivel.

I have not felt this kind of raw pain in some time. It feels good, somehow. Like I am alive again. I realize that I have been working towards this for about nine months. I have stumbled again and again by own my mind giving me an excuse to procrastinate on the meaningless distraction. I am grateful for this journey. For all this pain. Because it is all part of a plan to show myself that I can prove myself right. That this is the true me. The ugly, messy, and fucked self that is also so grateful to be alive and on this path to greatness.

Where am I going with this? I am declaring to be better every day. I am declaring to getting back to myself and showing people how to build a better life through my example. I am declaring that I will not stop until this pain of disappointment is consumed with gratitude of being an inspiration to thousands. Because I can. I have before. I just got very lost in my own head of doubt and shame, and I just needed a compass of encouragement to get me out. Well, here I am. I am coming, and I am ready to be me. I don’t think I have ever been so scared, except for the last time I found myself. This time I will not run away. I am running towards the demon of shame. Because that is the only way to conquer shame. To shine light on it, and extinguish the flame of self-deceit.

Ambition and Small-Minded People

To be successful you must have a few things as your core beliefs to achieve long-lasting success. I believe those things to be integrity, ambition, and stickability to never quit. I am lucky to have a reservoir of all those traits, and admittedly sometimes those traits get buried underneath stories that no longer serve me. The more dangerous aspect of being successful, though is you become a target. Often it is those closest to you. They tend to be jealous, narcissistic, and fear-based human beings who only know how to deal with success-minded people by hurting them. I am calling it the small-minded syndrome.

As I rose in the levels of leadership, I had wonderful mentors who offered council on how to grow and implement strategies to continue the platform of success. Along my journey of self-discovery and greatness, I had various and sometimes close members of my family say very hurtful and occasionally devastating proclamations. Such as, “this will never work”; “you are never here when we need you”, and my personal favorite, “you’ll never move out” with a sneer and scoff. They wanted to keep me “small” because their life is small. They were unable to make the commitment to make their small, unfulfilling existence into something they could truly be proud of. They resented not being able to be courageous in their life; therefore aimed to keep me small in mine.

 

The little jabs that are seemingly innocent at first, when reflected upon become a glaringly obvious lever of manipulation and belittling. It took me a long time to realize that what my friends and family were saying was not only debilitating to me, but indirectly to them. It is a direct reflection of how they value their lives and themselves when they bring people down with sometimes seemingly innocuous comments. They might even perceive themselves as being funny, which I have written about here. I am realizing that the people verbalizing to inflict wounds are not usually bad people. I believe that most people love and express themselves in the best way they know how, and sometimes that way is royally fraked.

There are people in society who do not have a life of their own, so they must tear down others to feel better about their small life. This is not to say that it doesn’t hurt just as deep. Because It Does. Holy hell it does. There are some people who know just what buttons and emotions to press to sustain massive internal damage that can leave us wrecked for days. It can continue to hurt for some time after the initial barrage after you process the hell you’ve endured, and the effects can last for years. They say forgiveness is really a gift to yourself, but I have a hard time forgiving those who have deeply hurt the ones closest to me. To be honest, I do not think I’ve ever fully processed the people who have hurt me the most. I am not sure I want to.

There are times in my life where I felt untouchable and kicked ass in every aspect of my life. When anyone tells me I can’t do something, I take that as a personal affront and avenge to prove them wrong. And I do, almost every time. It often comes at a cost, though.  Everything worthwhile has a cost, and it’s a cost I will gladly pay. You find out who really loves you and wants you to succeed. And who wants to keep you small and on their level of comfort. This is when small-minded people feel threatened the most, when you are ready to have a mindset shift. It is also the time when the disparaging and denigration is at its peak. I have come to the conclusion that this is a defense mechanism, and it saddens me. It still hurts like hell when someone close to you assaults you with words. The person who wrote, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” was an idiot of epic proportions. I would much rather have someone throw a stone at me than words that penetrate and sometimes break my soul open. Cuts bleed, scab, then heal and fall off. Words though? They penetrate and can become a black hole of self-doubt, pain, and anger. They can fracture families and leave a permanent rift that will never be healed. Words become thoughts, thoughts become actions, and actions can have devastating results. Verbal abuse leaves a much longer affect on the soul and harder to remedy on one’s psyche than physical.

Any kind of abuse is traumatic and shouldn’t be underestimated, but one is more sinister. It is much easier to hide from a physical and psychological aspect.   It often takes place through self-delusion and denial brought on by low self-esteem from being broken in the past. These pieces are often buried deep, and sometimes we think we have gotten past them. This is where small-minded people are so insidious. Because they are usually weaved into your life, and sometimes pretty intricately. And they know us. The clinically narcissistic ones use that knowledge to inflict the worst kind of psychological pain.  Some even take glee in it.

Everyone is a work in progress. I have hurt those I love, and some of them deeply. The difference is I am willing to apologize, and learn how to corrective action so I don’t hurt them again. Small-minded people have no desire to better themselves because that would take effort and a commitment to go outside their comfort zone. They would much rather tear others down instead. I am working towards accepting and almost feeling pity for those with small-minded syndrome. Except the hurt goes deep, and I’ve got a long way to go for that mindset switch to occur.

2017, the Takeaway thru all of the Bullshit

2017 has been filled with good, bad, and ugly. There has been a lot of bad and ugly in my case, but it has also been filled with the opportunity of growth and stubborn determination to breakthrough the ugly. If someone had told me last year at this time: I would be a life-changing accident, get my hours cut, months of on-going physical therapy, and subsequently months of on-going therapy, I would have said you are nuts and I want some. And yet that is what happened and then some.

Like most of my friends, 2017 was a year of growth and pain. It was also the year of discovering my inner-resolve and growth. The year of how fucking bad do you want this life. For me, I have had to have more tenacity in both my growth and business than I ever had before. It was up to me and me only to get schnitz done. I would apologize for all the cursing in this entry, but I really don’t care.

Because it got real this year. In every fraking way of my life did it get real. My business, my work life, and my life in general. I have struggled more than I have in a very long time, and you know what? I conquered it.  It wasn’t pretty, but I did it. I conquered the deck I was dealt, and I nailed that river card like I was in Vegas betting my life.

In a lot of ways, I did bet my life. I put so much on the line that I haven’t before. I was more vulnerable in my writing than ever. Relating my struggles with PTSD, my life struggles of the last five years, and becoming the person I wanted to be. The person I was distancing myself being (the partier) from that at times keeps coming back trying to pull me back to mediocrity. There is nothing wrong with partying lifestyle per say. I have done all of that, and enjoyed it at the time. I have had some of my best times partying with the people I love. It’s just not who I am growing into becoming, and sometimes it’s tough to remind myself of that.

Part of my fam

This is a relatively short entry about this past year. There is so much to ponder, and tonight I was pushing towards a goal and I reached it. One takeaway, there is nothing as satisfying as reaching a goal you thought was out of a reach a few days ago. This is a cliché, but if you do your best and miss at least at the end of the day, you can hit your head on the pillow with a quiet calm of knowing you can kick ass tomorrow. I know from experience that regret sucks. Some of my worst pain, and there’s been quite a bit, has been from the things I didn’t attempt for fear of disappointment. Fail forward towards your best self. It sucks. It hurts. But you do move forward.

The Break

Breaks
are

Painful

Necessary

and often

Severe.

this was
No
Different.

The severity of
it
cuts like

a Dull
Knife

lined with
tiny

Shards of

glass.

Each
cut

draws
into the
jagged
Edge into

Flesh

leaving a
Scar

and a
Tale.

the
Tale

however,
is

One of

Rebirth

Opportunity

and
the

Knowledge
that

You
Begin

Anew.

and
at

Peace

with the

Sorrow.

of the
Moment.

Moments

Have you ever have one of those moments where you realize you are the not the person you perceive yourself to be?  Or at the very least, the person people used to know.

 

I was at dinner with friends of my parents, one of them my English professor at community college, we all had dinner together.  They really didn’t say anything, and they didn’t really have to.  I felt it, as odd as that sounds.  They noticed and felt something different.

I have taken control of my life; more than that, I have taken responsibility for it.  I am done letting my circumstances control me.  I am done letting my living situation control different aspects of my life.  I am done thinking that people owe me something just because of whatever reason.

This is my life.  I have fought, grown, persevered, and built a life that I am proud of.   I am building a life I can not only survive, but thrive, on my own.

I cannot control if others are proud of me.  I can’t, and I didn’t even realize I was trying to until about a two weeks ago.  I am proud of myself, of my decision to be responsible, and to let go by an invisible rope of financial means.

I AM DONE. Proving myself to others that don’t understand me, my motivations, and my life choices.

This year has been one of growing, building, destroying internal walls, and severe personal, emotional pain.  All of that equal THIS realization.

This moment of “I don’t give a frak what happens”.  It’s a choice, it’s amazing, it’s gold, and it’s coming.  And it’s worth it.

And, you know what?  It IS about me.  Just a little.  Because you have to believe you are worth the life of millionaires to get there.  You have to believe you are worth inspiring and leading thousands of lives.  If you don’t believe you intrinsically are worth all of those things, rethink.

This is from a recovering sarcastic, invisible person, who didn’t believe I was worthy of much at all-you need to believe that you are.  Surprisingly, people pay attention.

If I can work through an immense amount of self-doubt, pain, and personal growth, trust me you can too.  (Find a mentor).

Why?  Because YOU, yes you, are worth it.  Maintain a giving, selfless heart if that is your nature, but understand that you are worth everything that want and for others.